DS14 Disruptive in School

[nctotallylost]

I could do with a fresh perspective on this.

DS - 14 - was always quiet, well behaved and diligent at school until about a year ago. He is not naturally super academic but he would always engage at school and would make an effort.

About a year ago he started to become disruptive in school - generally lower level disruption, talking, acting up, trying to be funny. He is in near daily detentions and seems to have lost any interest in learning most of the topics in school.

I've met with the school multiple times, and although we've looked for reasons behind his behaviour there doesn't appear to be any real root cause. I also do my best to keep speaking with him, but he's never clear on why he's disruptive other than saying he was bored, or he wanted to be funny.

He shows no willingness to learn most topics (he is interested in the few and does retain the knowledge of those subjects). I've tried additional tutoring on one subject with a tutor he really liked, but despite liking the teacher he wouldn't even attempt the work.

He doesn't have a strong social life, has stopped all in person extra-curricular activities and has become more detached from his old friendship groups over the last year. There's no drugs or similar involved as far as I can tell (he tends not to go out much). He does play online with real and remote friends.

I occasionally see glimpses of the smart, funny, endearing son that I love (eg if we're out somewhere without others).

I know teenagers often go through rebellious phases but I am very worried he will really struggle to come back from more or less refusing to learn for a year.

Any suggestions on how on earth can I get him re-engaged with education and life in general.

Is he Year 9 or 10?
If Year 9 maybe next September he could switch to a 14 - 16 college course or a 14 + UTC.
If he's year 10 I don't know if he could switch now as it's halfway through the first term already.
(Apologies - I am assuming you are in England. Obviously things might be different if you aren't.

I’m not sure I have a fresh perspective but your son sounds a lot like mine. He’s just seems disinterested in school and achieving academically. I had hoped GCSE subjects and studying things he chose might help and it has to a degree but he’ll get by on very little energy expended into school work is my impression. He lives for his break time and football. He’s bright but not motivated but pushing him doesn’t help at all. If you can explore other options maybe that’s the answer or hopefully someone else will be able to offer some insight. I find it very difficult to watch the disengagement but don’t really know how to support him.

Thanks. It is totally heart-breaking seeing what feels like potential wasting away, though I hope he will recover at some point.

My worry about college as an alternative is that might require more independence and motivation which I don't currently see any evidence of.

Boys his age often struggle with friendships and status. The most important thing for them is how they are viewed by peers and some feel they can gain status by misbehaving in class. This is particularly the case if they feel they aren't doing that well; it's a way of gaining peer respect and deflecting shame (which is what scares them most).

Boys, generally, are doing worse in school than girls, and there are many fine minds trying to figure out why and how to change things.

Boys crave respect, so I would sit him down and tell him what you admire about him before launching into a discussion about the situation. Boys also like to talk if they feel they aren't being shamed or judged. Ask him what it feels like to be his age at school, what the teachers are like, what he thinks of his lessons, whether anything inspires him.

They often struggle to identify how they're feeling because a - it's hard b - they're not encouraged to delve into their emotions. Tell him you can see that something's not right, you love him and believe he has huge potential, so you don't want to just let things go.

Sometimes it's much easier to have these discussions in a car or late at night, so don't force it too quickly, but do tell him that his thoughts really matter and that you're not interested in punishing, only supporting. I talk a lot about this in my podcast. I really feel for boys these days.

@teenagersuntangled
I’m having such a difficult time with my son. He’s ASC but I didn’t want to suggest this to OP as it’s not the case that every child with certain behaviour is ND. What’s your podcast info please? I do feel boys just aren’t doing well in school but unsure why. It might be the shift in society and increasing tech is affecting them more. I really don’t know but parenting is blooming hard. Way beyond what I imagined.

Thanks.

Soz OP. I feel I’ve jumped on your post!

I probably could have written a lot of your post in yr9- DS was a little toad. Certainly wasn’t working to his full potential and was deeply unpleasant at times. He made me cry several times as he was just so nasty.

Covid hit yr10 and 11 so we sort of skipped that bit.

He did knuckle down, realised if he wanted to get the hell out, his fastest option was uni. He now in yr2 several hundred miles from home. He’s now a fabulous human with whom I genuinely enjoy spending time. He just needed time to grow up and sort himself out. He didn’t have a clue how to do that at 14 and , looking back, I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

Keep the chatting options open, even if only while driving to school/ eating a burger at McDs/ walking the dog. Make sure he knows he can tell you about random shit, things that aren’t going well and anything else which comes to mind. I sat through hours of YouTube, football and gaming shit just to get to the tiny snippets of important info that I needed to file away or act on. Hang in there.

@Fififizz It's really hard, and many parents feel the same way you do. The underperformance of boys has become a political issue recently, since the figures have been going in only one direction. Richard Reeves has been doing a lot of work on this issue in America, Mike Nicholson from Progressive Masculinity in the UK and a guy called Brendan Kwiatkowski who I think is in Canada too. I've interviewed all of them for on my podcast Parenting Teenagers Untangled.

I think it's even harder when kids are ND, but I have recently interviewed a neuropsychologist who's at the top of his game - David Yeager - who insists that high expectations along with high support are vital for the motivation of our kids.

He talks about how our society has bought the neurobiological incompetence model (the idea that teens aren't capable), which is completely misleading. He says the result is that we tend to either have an enforcer mindset which involves telling kids what to do without giving them the support they need, or the protector mindset, which is all about giving them high support but very little in the way of expectations.

I think boys in particular really want to be seen as competent, and get very frustrated in school environments that don't allow them to shine. I wouldn't blame the schools; they have the toughest time of all right now particularly given the lack of funding coming through for ND support. I would say it's a combination of factors, but talking to our boys with respect and finding ways to make them feel they have a stake in their education can help reduce the bad behaviour.

My ND daughter hates school because she feels everyone underestimates her abilities (to be honest they're not unreasonable). I makes them feel bad about themselves and lash out. Helping them understand and manage their feelings is a vital part of parenting these kids, which is why it's so tough on us parents!

I have episodes that cover parenting ND kids and also school behaviour too. It's all freely available. Hope that helps.

@teenagersuntangled
Thanks for your reply and understanding. My head is literally about to explode with all that’s transpired today. I fought hard for specialist setting for my son but unfortunately I feel there are likely issues there too. They don’t have usual expectations or boundaries and want the children to be willing to engage with learning. Whilst I understand some of that I approach and giving space and time etc I didn’t understand how it would pan out for us. MS didn’t work well as expectations were too high and rigidly applied but specialist seems too much the in the other direction it feels currently. I’m rambling as my brain’s fried from it all. Are your podcasts listed under your teenagersuntabgled name?

Yes, you can find the podcasts at the website of the same name and also on any podcast platform under that name.

Be kind to yourself. We often feel like there is, or should be, a perfect answer but there isn't. Life is all about muddling through for most people. We just feel it more acutely when things aren't going smoothly.

It must be incredibly frustrating for you, so just remember you can only do so much. Give yourself time to decompress because I can tell that you're feeling really anxious. Talk with the school about how they set their expectations, and talk to them about how the scaffolding to make sure he can meet them will be set up and upheld. You're doing a good job.