DD doesn't have any friends 😔

[Moon30]

My DD is 13, she's such a lovely girl and kind to everyone, but she doesn't really have any friends or friendship groups.
At primary school she was really popular, then some girls in the group started being mean and isolating her, they eventually all fell out and my DD started spending more time with a couple of boys instead, once she started secondary she originally made a group of friends, however I was made aware by another parent that some of the girls in the group had been sending inappropriate and offensive things in WhatsApp, I spoke with my dd who agreed maybe some of them wasn't very nice and she decided that she didn't really want to be friends with them so she distanced herself, since then she's never really had any friends, she still hangs around with the 2 boys from primary however now they are in year 9 they've all started to drift away into their own groups, so she doesn't see them much now.
she says that the majority of the girls in her year are mean and the boys arent great either and we've had problems with bullying also her twin sister has had alot of issues with bullying.

I'm not really sure what I can do to help, she was intent on leaving this school next year to join a local 14-16 college to sit her gcses instead, however neither do the gcse courses that she really wants to do. So now she's thinking of staying at her current school but she's been in tears tonight because she doesn't have any friends.
She's told me that most breaks she will go and sit with her sister and her friends just so she's not alone but they don't have the same interests so she often feels awkward sitting there, she tries to join in with class discussions and talk to whoever she's sat next to in lessons but they're rude to her and call her weird 😢 she's not really fallen into the trends of make up, fake tan etc and she's part of the pupil leadership team, so I guess because she's not like most girls she's being called weird 😔

I feel really bad that i dissuaded her from the friendship group in year 7 and feel like this is my fault but I do think that it's unlikely that she would still be friends with them anyway, as shes just not into all the girly stuff and she says these girls are mean but I still have that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach.
There was also an incident in year 7 where she was assaulted by an older boy and because we had asked for witnesses on social media, the papers ran a story on it so I imagine that hasn't helped either 😔

She's not interested in any of the clubs that the school holds, but she does attend 2 of them, but not really made any friendships with them outside of the clubs. I suggested I speak with her head of house but dd isn't keen and thinks they won't be able to help anyway.

I guess I'm not really sure what I want from this post, maybe just to get it off my chest or hoping that others may have some tips on how I can help my dd or even just some moral support.

This is sad to read OP. Your poor DD.

Could you encourage some activities away from school?

Her peers sound very bitchy. Hopefully as they mature a little they'll become less mean.

Very tough situation.

Oh I'm sorry for your DD and actually this all sounds a bit familiar from my childhood.

Does she do any clubs outside school? Could she do something like guides / rangers or the scout equivalent for her age (scouts / explorers i think)? If she can meet some like minded people outside school, perhaps it may not feel as big of an issue inside school?

Hopefully some wise MNetters will be along with some ideas.

Hey there. You poor thing.... it really is heart wrenching when you see your child unhappy and unsettled.
Sounds like she has been unlucky with those who's path she has crossed. Also sounds like she knows who she is herself or at least developing a good sense of self in that she doesn't just settle for friends, which is a good thing.
It is brilliant she has her sister in the school and while she may have different interests atm, it maybe a good idea for her to foster an appreciation for this and lean on this group while she tries to find her way through this 'moment,' in her life.
It is great she is in groups and hopefully as time.goes on she will connect with others with similar interests.
I find for.my daughter if she is ever in a situation, to have things to look forward to with her, other friends outside of school, family occasions, etc. All.these things will distract her, 'fill her cup', give her hope and excitement and positivity.
She will.be fine, she will.meet her tribe at some stage...it maybe just a slow burner for her at the moment.
Sending you hugs as I know exactly what it feels like. Xxx

Thanks all, it really is heartbreaking to see. She has the purest soul, so I just don't understand why she's struggling to make friends. I do wonder if she has some social anxiety as shes mentioned a few times about feeling awkward and not knowing what to talk about, especially if their interests don't align with hers so I think I'll contact the school and see if they have any strategies in building her confidence and I'm aware that they run a group for children with SEN that helps with social skills and confidence building as her sister has done them in the past which had really helped her, so I'm hoping they may let her join.

She did attend brownies when she was younger but left during lockdown, I'll speak with her and see if she would like to start back up in the older group or if there is something else she would like to do.
She's really into cooking and baking so I'll also have a look see if there are any local cooking clubs, she would love something like that.

Cadets is fantastic. My DD had similar issues to yours and joined sea cadets aged 14. She has made so many great friends through it - boys and girls. They do weekends away, lots of training courses, camps in summer and Easter. They are a really close knit group. It made things at school so much less important having friends elsewhere. I can’t recommend it enough.

Is she friends with her twin sister? Do they do things together outside school ?
Good starting point would be a local activity/sports group. A chance to meet others from outside school

Oh gosh. She needs to find her tribe bless her. Is it quite a small school?
It can get easier when they get to Yr10 as the do the subjects they like with others with similar. I'd really encourage her to keep trying different clubs. Even if to fill her breaks. My DD only has two good mates but lots casual as it's a huge school.

Totally agree. My friend is the chaplain with the local air cadets. She says the camaraderie between the teenagers is brilliant.

My DD had a turbulent start to secondary school with ups and downs in y7, a more settled y8 and then an awful y9 where we seriously considered moving her. She's finally settled down in y10 and has two lovely friends but she had to put herself out there and almost force the friendship before it blossomed naturally.

Unfortunately it can just be a numbers game and finding the right people. If it doesn't happen at school, there can be some consolation by finding it outside of school. But I would always consider moving schools if that is an option.

Oh that's sad to read....sounds like she's just been really unlucky with her class. Maybe try girl guides...my DD has made lots of friends there.

My daughter had similar problems at that age. She had a best friend who suddenly left school and she was isolated and alone for a few weeks. I got in touch with her form teacher who arranged new seating plans to manufacture friendships with the nice, friendly children and this really helped. Slowly she formed a group who she could hang out with. They weren’t her tribe but lovely kids who didn’t have any drama. She’s now in college and creating another friendship group who are more her tribe. My daughter also experienced bullying in primary (by one of her so called good friends) and I still think she struggles with trusting people.
I told my daughter that this is a stage albeit a very difficult one and things will change and improve. She didn’t believe me at the time but I think she sees that now.
sending strength but know that things will get better x

DS has friends outwith school and talks out of necessity to those in his school. He tends to keep himself to himself. He cannot wait to finish school next year and hopefully start uni.

I get it. It was worrying for a while. But he started a part time job a few months ago and talks about getting on great with colleagues, so he can mix when he wants to.

Good luck with your DD who is struggling with friendships, she will get there in her own time. My younger DS who is also a teen is the opposite - has loads of friends. They are all different personality types. I was like my eldest in school, friends were so difficult to make.

Hobbies, hobbies, hobbies. Try and encourage her to join in as many different activities (art, music, sports, drama, scouts, cadets etc) as possible, in school but most importantly out of school. She may have to try a few different ones to see what she likes and where "her people" are but eventually she will find them and grow in confidence and self esteem. If she's busy and has friends outside of school then it's not going to be such a big deal not having so many of them in school. It may take a while and require lots of parental effort (giving lifts, paying for fees, finding out about different clubs etc) but this strategy really worked with my niece who struggled with school friendships.

I'd encourage her to move to a different school as another 2 years of this is going to really damage her mental health. I'd say this is more important than being able to study specific GCSEs. The GCSEs someone takes very rarely rule out a particular career or A Level path.

Second the comments about Girl guiding or cadets, Guides was my saviour when I struggled with friendships at a similar age.

She shouldn't move to a school that doesn't offer the subjects she wants to do, but should explore ways of making friends through out of school activities.

My DD is in a similar position, she didn't really have close friends through primary. Through secondary group developed but it has fallen apart, my DD got ostracised for being "weird" and she was very upset but is pushing on through to exams and says that the best revenge is success.

I think it helped that we've been able to demonstrate through our own friendships that you find your tribe eventually but it may be later; some of our friend group are from uni and some from work and even parenthood.

I feel for your DD and echo others who have said hobby groups outside of school where she can meet people she does have things in common with.

Thanks all. She attended a new lunch time club in school today, there wasn't many children who attended and non from her year but she said she really enjoyed it and will go again next week. We've had a chat about joining a club or something out of school and she's quite excited about that too, so we've been having a look at the different options. Unfortunately no local cooking class as they moved to zoom during lockdown and have decided to keep it like that for the time being but we have enquiried about her joining them through zoom as she's really into cooking and baking, so I think that would boost her confidence too.

In regards to her twin sister, she will hang around with her and her friends at lunch time so she's not alone but she says they all have different interests to her, so she struggles to join in with their conversations, I think she just really wants a friend that she can talk about the things she likes to them.

She gets on well with her sister out of school, but they've always had different interests so don't spend a great deal of time together and they have seperate bedrooms, but they sometimes do craft things or play games together. Her sister has autism so often gets burnt out at school so likes to spend time alone on an evening.

And we're still looking at moving to one of the local 14-16 college too.

My did was the same and I nearly moved schools because of it. However she stayed and now has friends at the sixth form in the same school. I appreciate that is not a given. For now I really would encourage out of school activities and reconnecting with primary friends.

This must be so painful for both you and your daughter. I created a podcast episode on girl friendships using the Queen Bees and Wannabes book on which the Mean Girls films are based. Girls friendships can be very difficult to navigate because everyone at that age is super-anxious, which can make them come across as mean. What I find helped my daughters was explaining to them how these friendships work and why they behave the way they do. That way she could identify what was behind their attitudes and even empathise with it.

The book is really good for explaining some of the roles eg Queen Bee who sets the tone of the group and rallies the girls to her cause. She unifies the group but is often feared rather than liked. The sidekick will be the one who backs up the queen bee, then there's the banker who collects gossip about others and spends it to gain kudos. There's the torn bystander etc etc.

There's another great book called When Girls Fall Out, written by Andrew Hampton who created the Girls On Board programme for schools. He wrote the book with his two daughters. I think his book is great too because it talks about how boys work on explicit rules whereas girls have to operate just beneath the rules and be more subtle in their approach. It causes a lot of confusion and what appears to be underhand behaviour amongst girls.

This year - 13 - is probably the worst of the worst. All the girls will be hyper-aware of their status and need to be in a group and the thing that girls fear most is not having friends, so your daughter will be feeling like she is in shark-infested water without protection.

I think the best you can do is to keep talking to her about the reasons behind their behaviour so she can see their base needs rather than thinking of them simply as mean. You can give her armour by building up her sense of self at home, giving her positive feedback about what she is good at, ensuring she finds things to do outside school that make her feel stronger etc.

I can tell you, from raising four girls, that things start to really settle down aged 16 when they all feel a bit more comfortable about their status and who they are. It can be a rocky ride until then, but she only needs to find one friend who'll be her ally. Help her to hunt for that person by listening out for a girl who thinks the way she does or likes to do similar things.

So sorry you and your dd are going through this.
Its so hard I think it's harder on girls to fit in these days my own DD finds it hard to make and keeps friends also.
I think you were right to dissuade her from that group and exactly don't think they would be friends now.
It's a tough one is there another school she could go to if its really that bad?
I know you said there's a college but they don't do the GCSEs course she wants is there another one?
Would she prefer to move schools?

@teenagersuntangled the podcast sounds really interesting, can I ask what it's called or have a link to it please?

Oh yes, of course @Ivyy It’s called Parenting Teenagers Untangled and it’s always lovely to have new people in the group. You can find it on any podcast player and there’s an episode search function on the website where you can find old episodes that might interest you. Happy New Year!

This is very sad to hear. I too think you should speak to HoY and one of her female teachers she really likes, to ask them to pair her up with girls who are also bright, not bitchy, a bit wierd. If they cared they'd atleast try something!