Older teen messy room one

[Mrsharrington]

My DD is a slob. No other way to describe it. She’s 18, still living at home as she needed to resit an A Level. Going to university next year if she gets it. Works part time in a bar so though we buy her food etc, she is fairly financially independent.

The trouble is, her bedroom. It’s a fairly new house and yes, I’m quite houseproud. When we first moved in she had a lovely bedroom. Brand new furniture, carpet and decoration. In the space of 2 years, I honestly feel she’s trashed the place. That’s an exaggeration but there’s make up stains on carpet and furniture. Wardrobe door hanging off as so much stuff pushed in there.

She is so messy. Clothes are washed and put in her room and she doesn’t put them away. Piles of them everywhere mixed up with dirty ones. Cans of coke everywhere . Dirty plates. Overflowing bin. Sometimes can’t see the floor. I used to clean the room but have stopped. She never vacuums or dusts. It looks like a hoarders room. She isn’t depressed or upset as far as I can tell so can’t blame her MH.She buys tons of vintage clothes and has run out of storage so it all piles up. it’s horrible. All surfaces are full of make up, cups, magazines, crisp packets etc

Shes always been messy but has got worse. I have reasoned and argued and bargained but she fails to see she needs to keep her room reasonably clean. Says it’s ’my Room’ which is ironic as she doesn’t pay rent so it’s actually not.

i have explained I feel she’s been disrespectful by not making any effort to keep her space
reasonable. Makes no difference.

I stopped cleaning it a while ago, stopped doing her washing. At 18 I can’t really sanction her. I will miss her when she goes to university but I won’t miss her shit hole of a room.

Any suggestions as to how I can get her to do the bare minimum? I fear for any future flatmate arrangements!

Could she have ADHD?

I wouldn’t stand for the dirty plates and overflowing bins as thats a real hygiene issue. Our kids have to bring any cups and plates down each evening and put them in the dishwasher.

I’d make her vac and dust her room at least once a month and then leave her to it.

Yes I think she might be actually . She’s very Dyslexic. Been diagnosed since high school. She spends ALOT of time in her room. Says she needs to decompress from social interactions after work or college.

ADHD 17 year old with similar messy room.
Irony is she loves doing up her room and decorating it.
She even spends hours cleaning it sometimes.
It doesn't stay clean for more than an hour though.
You have my solidarity.
Xx

My DD is exactly the same. Plans all sorts of creative stuff, hangs lights and pictures but can’t even keep the bloody place clean!

DSD is dsylexic and I can see her room going the same way! I've only seen her bedroom at her dad's but she said the one at her mum's is much worse (he's pretty strict with her about it not turning into a complete hovel). I think some of it is the dsylexia as she doesn't seem to have much logical thought so stuff ends up being put here there n everywhere rather than back in it's rightful place e.g.she has containers for her makeup on the dressing table but it will all be left out of the table with lids off etc rather than just putting it back. She's forever loosing things or doesn't have things such as school PE kit, laptop charger etc in the right place at the right time because her brain just don't think ahead like that.

I am not sure how to manage this given the ND issues but I know living in such a disorganised space isn’t great for her emotionally. Or me for that matter!

My 19 year old son is the same, I’ve all but given up. Fortunately he has a room in the loft space so I never go up there and can just ignore it.

conversely my younger teen has ASD and his room is spotless.

I think the only way we stop it getting really awful is I regularly help him to declutter so he has less stuff. I’m not a naturally tidy person either so I try to live a minimalistic life which makes it more manageable to be a tidy person.

My daughter who is dyslexic is similar. She finds it very difficult to manage any routine well, and her room can become a complete mess very quickly. For years I tried to get her to focus on just one skill/habit a week, like hang up your towel, don't drop it on the floor. It's very hard to ingrain good habits in these kids, and it has to be repeated over and over.

I did a podcast episode about issues that look like laziness but are actually executive function deficits; and this is one of them.

With kids like this they feel bad all the time about their issues, so nagging them is of no help whatsoever. In fact, FMRI scans have actually demonstrated that when kids hear us saying we're disappointed because of X what actually happens is their frontal lobe (where the planning etc happens) shuts down and their emotional brain lights up like a Christmas tree!

Sit her down and start again by praising her for anything she does well. Keep focusing on praise, because she needs to feel good about herself, most importantly from you. Then get her to think of one thing she would like to work on and what support you can put in place. Our agenda can't lead the way because we won't get compliance. Instead, we need to help them see themselves in a positive way so that they can relax their chimp and engage the thinking/planning part of their brain.

What was interesting for me was that I asked my daughter how she felt when she walked into her room when it was clean and tidy. She said it made her feel stressed because it didn't feel like her and didn't feel cosy. That was a game-changer for us because I was then able to discuss with her what she needed in order for her room to feel more like the sort of place that made her feel relaxed, without it being chaotic.

I would put a ban on any food or crockery in the room. Be kind and say that it's a rule for everyone and there will be consequences if you find any there. I have an allowance system I use for my kids which helps me with this ie I remove money if they don't comply, which they know is the penalty.

There's a lot more I could say. The book I used to create my podcast episode is called Smart but Scattered Teens, which was very helpful.

ah yes, the bath towel on the bedroom floor is another one of her traits!

@teenagersuntangled
You make good points.
I do agree that it has to come from them..us nagging actually makes things worse. My DD who is also autistic shows some traits of PDA so i know that me asking is pointless. It is so hard when it goes beyond tidiness and it ends up being a hygiene issue.
I also read that sometimes the state of their room reflects how they feel. It's one way of them saying my mind is restless, messy, I am struggling.
Us going in and blitzing means we are invalidating them.
I am not a house proud person, but the level of mess in Dds room can bother me.
I shut her room door and ignore it for my own mental health.
Last week, she asked for help in cleaning her bathroom. I dropped everything and went to help her.
That's all I can do. I dread to think if she were to house share would people even want to live with her.
Oh well ..I cannot worry about what has not happened yet. One day at a time.
I would love to listen to your podcast if you don't mind sharing.
Will check out the book too.
Xx

I'd love to have you join my podcast community. Thanks for asking.
It's called Parenting Teenagers Untangled and you can find it on any podcast platform. You can also rummage on my website for other information.

I think these kids with executive function difficulties find it overwhelmbing and are filled with shame for being so overwhelmed. Giving them a sense of that we believe in and respect them, and helping them to feel good about themselves will also help them to have the energy to tackle the issues. We can't rush it or make them feel bad that it's taking them too much time to learn. Agree on one skill at a time and scaffold the others until they feel competent, then add in another thing that you can expect from them. Don't shame them when they fail, just get them to engage in thinking about why it didn't work out and how they can cope better the next time. Self-awareness and a willingness to think about the issue is a large part of the problem. Again, teens want to feel competent so blaming and shaming doesn't work.