15 yr old daughter does not want to spend time with father

[Zach64]

Hello,
Is anyone else dealing with a situation like this? My daughter and I use to do everything together. As teens years have set in she does not want to spend any time here with me…just at her mothers. (We are divorced) There are times she has to be here with me…we occasionally do things together…but usually she isolates in her room.

It has become very hurtful at times the way this plays out. Just wondering if anyone else is in a similar position and how they are handling it.

Sounds entirely normal teenage behavioir! Try not to take it personally.

Do you not remember your own teenage years?

Yes totally normal. I would imagine she's probably doing the same when she's not with you too.

If your arrangement means that you spend less time with her then I can imagine it feels even harder but it is normal,

I find / found that as they get older there needs to be more of an event or outing that will interest or appeal to them to get them out of their rooms and spend time with you as the old things 'just hanging out' don't work as well as they once did.

Do you know anything that might appeal?

Normal.
As PP suggested, you need to find a 'thing' to go out and do.

Oh and if you ask if there is anything she would like to do (which I appreciate you may already do!) .. be prepared for 'no nothing' .. their friends / phones are their life at this age. Don't give up even in the face of reluctance and definitely don't take it personally.

If you know what might interests her then depending on where you live find something - or if you have a good relationship with your ex then they might know as a lot of the stuff that they are into gets mentioned in passing.

Sorry OP but I agree with others. I would have hated to have to spend time with my dad at 15. It's an awkward age and we have nothing in common with grown men. We feel more comfortable with women as teens.

Do you live near her mum? If her mum’s house is near her friends or any boy/girlfriends then of course she will prefer to be that.

The others are right - she’s 15 and is probably behaving similarly at her mum’s.

Teens can be very hurtful and thoughtless.
She may prefer to be at her DMs if her friends are nearby or just because it's easier than moving between two homes.
Did she used to just come to yours and stay?
If so as she's got older she may find it boring if she has better, more exciting offers to do things with her friends.
Dad's are not "cool" ime of Teens.
I'm sure she still loves you.
You could try offering to do something adult-ish with her, a meal out after school, a concert, cinema.
Whatever you do, keep the lines of communication open, text her with an open offer "do you fancy xxx next week"
I'm one of 4 sisters, our dm and ddad were still together but ddad used to take us out one at a time as teens, a train into London, pub meal, a wander around then home (this was in the 80's) practically unheard of amongst our friends families.
All these years later, ddad passed away but I still remember those trips, how special and grown-up I felt, this was ddads way of connecting with us all separately.
Teens can be difficult and hurtful, you need to keep a steady nerve 😉 to navigate them.

Very normal. Just always be there in case she needs you . Show support and do little things like have the food in she likes.
She will grow out of it . Granted probably not till 20s .
I was a really good kid but looking back I had no time for my parents from 14 to 22.
I was so wrapped up in my own world.
And I bet she just gets used to being in her room at her mums.
I wouldn't take it personally.
My two teenage dds spend most of their time in their rooms when at home .

Totally normal unfortunately. When I opened the thread I assumed it would be a teenage girl of separated parents refusing to go to dad’s house so you are doing better than a lot of people if she is still coming. At that age insisting or trying to take it back to court will only damage your relationship (I was a family law mediator for years). Her focus will be on her friends who are probably easier to access from mum’s house. Some parents won’t want their daughters staying overnight with a separated dad if she wants sleepovers with her pals (horrid for you I know but true). I would try not to make a big deal of it, suggest things you can do together like cinema but don’t get annoyed with her if the answer is no, if you can be guided by her through the teenage years you have more chance of ending up with an adult daughter you have a relationship with.

IME this is totally normal (and hurtful for the parents!)

Depending on the living situation, can you let her put what she wants to watch/a funny series you both like on TV? And then sit in silence watching it and make a point of not 'bothering' her or forcing lots of conversation. She may well bring up bits and bobs to talk about when she's ready. From what I can recall, a giant bowl of her favourite sweets in the middle of the coffee table also helps 😂

The other option, if you can afford it, is to be financially very generous. Not necessarily handing cash over, but always offering to host her friends, give lifts, take shopping when she needs something. Rope her into trips to the shops to buy ingredients for her favourite dinner, watch the new movie releases and suggest cinema trips to her (and be open to her friends coming along!), instigate regular trips to a coffee shop of her choice. Find experiences you think she'll like and suggest them! I think when you're a kid, you're immersed in the world of what your parents like/think. When you're a teen, you're finding that all out for yourself so it can be a culture shock for parents to see all these new ideas of what their kids fun is 😏

Teens can be like that and it's certainly increased since they can literally socialise from their room.

I'd try something like texting her or doing something via private SM. Even if it's just inviting her to choose a takeout and film for the evening.

As long as you are reaching out and showing you care rather than pulling away the relationship will return to status quo when the teen years are a distant memory!

This is hard for you as you love her and want to spend time with her, but I am sure you can also see it from her point of view. She is wanting her independence and the chance to make her own choices, and here she is being shunted around like a parcel and told where she has to be even if her stuff and her friends are somewhere else. No-one would like this, let alone a teenager.
You need to look at some other arrangement/activity as suggested by others.

Normal teenage behaviour.

What helped me be less hurt is a meme I saw about kids being puppies and teens being cats. It really struck a chord with me for some reason!

Give them food, water, love, cash, healthy boundaries (in no particular order!) and don't expect much. They may deign to spend some time with you. Thank you blessings when they do!

Hold tight, things change again when out of there teens at the other side.