**Trigger Warning* something tragic has happened and I don't know what to do

[reallywantmybowlback]

DD is in her 1st year at Uni. She has struggled with being homesick from quite early on but we were working through it and she is now home for a few days. Unfortunately, whilst she's been here, her very good friend who was on her course and lived in her halls of residence has passed away. We are unaware of the full circumstances surrounding his death but it was unexpected.

When DD first met this boy, my heart broke for him. He had taken a year out as his Mum had recently passed away from cancer. He sounded like such a wonderful young man and I was so happy DD had made friends with him. He was a steady and positive influence on DD, and she on him. They helped each other in numerous ways and it was the kind of friendship I wanted DD to have more of.

My DD is heartbroken and I have no idea what to say or do to help her. I am so worried about her returning to uni tomorrow, I feel sick with worry and sadness about all of this. A life ended far too young.

So sorry to read this OP. Is she ready to go back under these circumstances? Can you delay for a few days and definitely discuss what you can put in place to support her. I’m not sure what’s offered by the Uni/College she’s at you might be better sourcing some private support if possible.

I would like her to stay home for a few more days but I think she wants to mourn with her friends and from reading on here, lots of teenagers have felt the same. I don't think it feels real to her right now but I am sure reality will hit hard when she returns. He was friends with everyone and they will be all feeling his loss deeply.

The uni will have specialist counselling for them all and will put whatever support in place they need. One of my dd friends passed and the uni were amazing.

Oh I’m so sorry OP. I would assume that the Uni will be providing some form of support for students - in my first year a coursemate was badly burned in an awful incident on campus and had to withdraw from the course. There were a lot of witnesses, and the uni were very proactive in ensuring they had access to counselling.
I know you’ve said that there is little info but is there any indication he might have taken his own life? I’d expect the Unis response to be different if so.

@Sillysausage76 I am sorry to hear about your DD's friend. I am hoping on Monday we will know more about what support her University have to offer. I will also be contacting them to find out.

@TwinklyTornadoBear it has crossed my mind, that's why I put the trigger warning in the title. At the moment, we really don't know, I think DD will know more when she returns. Do you think the University will tell her when it is confirmed?

So sorry. If she definitely wants to go back immediately, can you drive her back and stay in the area for a few days.

@reallywantmybowlback I am so so sorry for your daughter’s loss. My daughter has been through similar (at residential 6th form). It’s bloody hard to know what to do but what really benefitted my daughter was being with her friends. They needed to process things and start to grieve together. They will have someone to talk to every hour of the day. They had a huge amount of support from the student services so it might be worth speaking to the uni to see what they can offer. I know it’s different as your daughter is technically an adult but ask them anyway. And keep talking to her, whatever time of day or night, keep your phone on and just keep her talking/messaging. Sometimes she’ll want to talk about it, sometimes she’ll just want you to talk rubbish to her. Regarding the cause of death, my daughter knew quite quickly how things had happened. Sending you both masses of love, it’ll be bloody hard but let her go back and just be there for her.

Poor boy and poor DD.

Going back and joining in the communal mourning rituals may actually be a helpful thing for her op.

I’m a psychotherapist that specialises in bereavement and grief. One of the most difficult elements of grief is often a sense of being alone in that experience. It sounds like he was a well loved character and there may well be a helpful coming together, which may counteract this for a time

Help DD to understand, that it is ok and natural to feel a wide range of emptions. It will be her mind’s way of adjusting to a world with this new and heartbreaking reality in it. this takes time.

As a nation we are not that good as discussing death. As a result, people may unintentionally say or do something which may feel insensitive. For example, They may try to cheer her up with “at least…” statements, or try to encourage mood changes. Help her to see these for what they are- the other person struggling with natural emotions.

Do you have the option of taking a couple of weeks leave and staying close by? Or if you are reasonably close, more frequent visits for a while?

Oh, so sad. When I was at university my best friend took her own life; it seemed out of nowhere and a total shock. It was an incredibly sad time, but I really took a lot of comfort from being with my other friends and I found the university to be understanding/ supportive. I can’t really remember what my parents said/did, other than I remember them being really upset by it too - and that actually was a comfort in itself.

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to write. All of your messages are so helpful, with some great advice.

I wish I could drive her back but we live in another country. This is one of the reasons she has felt homesick as we're expats and she's never really lived in England as an adult.

Yes, I agree with her mourning with her friends. It's all just so sad and I can't bear the thought that her friend might have ended his own life.

The university will have counselling services.

Also do (gently) remind her to talk to the course team about this because it needs to be on your dd's record if she wants to claim extenuating circumstances for coursework or exams. You usually can't claim after the fact so if she gets a low grade and then says its because of this, then they may not be able to help unless it's already on the system.

I lost a friend in my first year of uni. Remaining in the university environment definitely helped the grieving process.
My parents were understandably anxious about me, but this became a burden as they required me to phone them frequently and would send panicked messages if I didn't (days before email and mobile phones).
But they came for the funeral and the subsequent inquest (where I was a witness) which was a great help.

Your daughter will be fine. It's a formative experience, to lose a contemporary so young, but being with mutual friends and grieving together will help her.

This is a good idea. You could stay in an air bnb or hotel for a few days so she can return see everyone etc and you still be near. You could do your own thing and just see her in the evenings or for lunch for example.

Oh my god this is so so sad. That poor boy and your poor DD. I feel for her, and for you so much. I am sorry she is having to deal with this.
My DD is in her first year of Uni too and has also made friends with a male flat mate that she has become close to. They are a positive influence on each other and have each others backs and I am so happy that she has found a friend like him. Last week he went out with the lads from his course and got so drunk that he was extremely ill with alcohol poisoning. She was so scared for him and had to call an ambulance. Thankfully he is okay but it was a very scary experience for him, for her, and for the rest of their flat mates. She called home crying and it was so traumatic for them all. I can only imagine how this is going to affect your DD.
I agree with other posters in that I think its best for her to be with her other friends and for them to share the grieving experience together. But it is important that she remains open and honest about her feelings to enable her to get through this and to seek help from uni counselling and help services if she needs to.

I think that mourning with friends can be very protective.

What a devastating thing to happen when your dd and her friends are experiencing those very fragile and challenging first few weeks at university. I suspect it will be a bonding experience for them, and that it will place compassion and support much more closely at the centre of their friendship culture than it might otherwise have been.

My heart was in my mouth reading your post and I am struggling to understand why I found it quite so upsetting. I think it might be because my son (who also eventually took his own life, though not at university) became desperately mentally ill during his first year at university, and yet I hadn't (until I read your post) really thought about the impact his unhappiness might have had on his fellow students, many of whom might have been struggling with their mental health in all the more 'ordinary' ways.

I don't think the university will tell you or your dd anything. They are bound by confidentiality.

I'm very sorry.

Definitely encourage her to go back and grieve with her friends. The university will put supports in place for them.

Don't shy away from discussing suicide. As I understand it, young people who've been bereaved through suicide are at an increased risk for suicidal thoughts themselves. Don't make it a taboo, make sure your DD can discuss mental health and all the rest with you.

All of your advice is so appreciated, it’s just so sad that it has come from your own experiences of loss and suicide.

@CompleteOvaryAction I will definitely take onboard your own experiences with your parents and not pass on my own anxiety to her in an unsupportive way. I am already finding today she doesn’t want to talk about it 😥 I was worried about her before this happened. She would message me at 3 a.m. saying she was sad and homesick. I would then reply but by the time I replied, she had gone to sleep and I was wide awake.

@ReadWithScepticism my sincerest condolences for the loss of your son. This is something no parent should ever have to go through.

I will offer to go to the funeral with her. Fortunately I don’t work so I am free to be there for her whenever she needs me. I have offered to go back with her tomorrow too and she is thinking about it. She will be coming home again on the 6th December and not returning until the 27th January so we’re not going long stretches without seeing each other.

Just another thought: after a few weeks, I really appreciated being taken out for a day trip or out for lunch now and then. Appreciate this is hard as you are overseas, but one time a friend's Mum took me on a trip to a stately home. It was nice to punctuate the shared grief/ environment of mourning with something completely different.
Just take DD's lead and maybe occasionally send her a funny card or meme, so that she keeps her eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel.

@ReadWithScepticism I've read your reply and just want to send you a massive hug. I’ve already replied to the OP so you’ll have probably guessed but my daughter’s friend took her own life. Please, and I have no idea how to best phrase this, try and think about the positives that your son will have had on those around him. It was awful trying to help my daughter and yes it does still affect her, but we do laugh about the antics that she got up to with her friend and she is talked about often. It also opened up a huge chance for the friends to talk honestly and openly about their mental health. Small comfort for the friends parents but something good had to come out of it, however small. Whatever pain/hurt those on the fringes deal with is nothing to what your son will have gone through - sorry, I’m rambling but as a parent of one of those left behind, please don’t focus on what you said x

@Browniesandcustard you are absolutely 100% correct that we have to focus on the positive impact these beautiful souls have had on our children’s lives. My DD’s friend most certainly did with her. I will forever be grateful for the short time she knew him and the help he gave her.

My son attempted suicide twice this year. There are no words to described the pain. I can't begin imagine what @ReadWithScepticism has gone through. And the pain that poor young man must be feeling.

Our DD is at uni, she came down for DS second attempt and stayed with for a few days. I've found talking openly to them and discussing the questions that are hard to ask.
My DD anxiety increased and we able to get her medication to help with anxeity and she knows that she can talk to me at anytime. Sometimes if just a worded text or it can be 2 hour facetime call. I check in with her everyday - either by sending memes, text etc.

Her friends will provide comfort to each other and understanding.

Sending love to all that need it. Xx

That is so sad, poor boy and poor family. It sounds like your daughter was very kind to him and vice versa. I think what the university says may be very limited due to confidentiality but generally they normally say mental health support is increasing and I would also let university welfare services know so they can keep an eye on your daughter and the others.

I would check your DD is OK with going back, and let her know that you are available 24/7 to listen. I have had cancer, chemo etc and my son really struggled and still does and there was no support for him here outside our immediate family, teenage boys are just expected to be strong and they aren't quite often. My daughter by contrast got a lot of support and kindness as did I. If your daughter is up to it the university might be able to pass a card or similar on (maybe check first) and I would have thought the family would appreciate a card with a kind message in with any memories she has of him from university or if they have photos. I know someone who lost their Dad to suicide at 15 and he said whatever people said was better than saying nothing. I always felt with cancer the most hurtful thing was when people ignored you (unless really deliberately unpleasant which is quite rare).

I hope your daughter will be OK and his family, the pain must be horrific, and I hope they can find a way to carry on.