University

[Jellycat70]

Hi , I’m worried about my dd she started uni in Sept & it was a really good start she was happy and getting along with the girls in her flat , however she got together with a boy in the same flat they had started off as friends . He suddenly said to her a week ago that he didn’t want a relationship he was very nice about it & honest but my dd is in bits as she really likes him , he was also her first boyfriend .

I’ve had discussions with her but she seems very down and is now saying that she’s had horrible thoughts since 2019 which I wasn’t aware of she is suddenly very down she does attend her lectures but said that she feels sick all the time and can’t eat , she also told my OH and I that she had phoned Childline years ago when she felt low . It seems like this was during Covid and like a lot of kids they were stuck at home

Im very worried as all this is new to me regarding feeling low since 2019 , I must admit a few of her friends were allowed out during Covid but I was terrified and followed the rules and kept her at home . My OH said this is all about the break up with the boy . I’ve asked her if she wants to come home at the weekends , move flat if possible , I’ve also phoned the uni for a student support number if she would like to speak to someone she doesn’t want to know .
At the moment the kids aren’t eating properly or getting enough sleep which contributes to low mood , any advice please ?

Can you go and see her for a weekend? Don't make it about the boy? Just tell her you want to see her uni town. Do something nice together and give her the opportunity to chat.

Send her a food shop with some nice ready meals so she's got something to eat without too much effort.

Try not to make a big deal of this to her (I know, easier said than done!) as it's a normal part of growing up and we have to let them experience it.

Is she socialising with the girls in her flat?

Your OH is right. It's normal for her to feel sad and low after a break up, especially as it's her first boyfriend. Just be there for her, send nice supportive messages, she'll start to feel better soon. Going to visit is a nice idea too.

Thankyou so much for your replies , we have been to the uni a couple of times to see her
The thing is she’s insisting that the way in which she feels isn’t over the boy it all started 2019
well if is the case she’s covered it well as I didn’t have a clue & she does tell me a lot of things some of which Id rather not know about she gets on very well with the two girls that share the flat
A couple of weeks ago she said that they are such good friends so I feel all this boils down to the boy break up but for some reason she’s focused on 2019

My dd can be moody but she said that her and the boy are talking as friends it’s hard as they share the same flat .
I have bought her a pair of new trousers that she’s had her eye on & they’re being delivered to uni . The food is hard as she’s not eating much well that’s what she tells me she could be buying take away
I took her food shopping the last time we visited but she didn’t want much
Such a worry OH said leave her for a few days as I currently talk or message her every day

Is there a reading week in which she can come hime and gain perspective? Can she request a flat move if it is too painful to meet him each day? She will manage but needs to hang on for timebeing.

How far away from uni is home? Is it feasible to bring her home for the weekend so she can get out of the environment and sleep and, eat some proper meals?

It’s very difficult Thankyou all so much for your replies but she doesn’t want to come home
OH said she’s probably upset over the break up but what else can I do
I’ve offered advise and possible solutions
shes coming home in 2 weeks we’ve booked the train which is 2.5 hours away

I agree with you, it does sound like it's the boy. It must be so hard for her when they're living together. It's a very good reason for not sleeping with your flatmates.

If you've suggested speaking to the GO and Student Services and moving flat and she's refusing all of them the only other thing I can suggest is seeing if she'll take a daily vitamin D. There been a few thread on the Teenage and the Higher Education Sections recently where the affect of taking Vitamin D has been quite transformative.

What activities has she got planned for this weekend? I think she needs to perhaps contrast in doing things away from the flat like going to the library to study, gym, for a walk or looking at societies. DS joined a walking group last year which was helpful as they usually went out on a Sunday.

Not sure what uni she's at but you could recommend the University well-being department, they are normally excellent.

And it's great that she doesn't want to go home. She'll get through it.

Hi ..I think firstly you are right to take her saying she has worrying thoughts very seriously. It's important you ask her directly if she has thought of ending her life even once. Or if she has thought about self harm.

On a very practical note.. when I was a student 20 years ago a friend of mine moved a few weeks into term as they had been placed in a flat with an ex.

It's absolutely fine for your daughter to say she isn't keen on remaining in the same flat ...I think it is important as a life lesson to learn to take control in hard situations

She doesn't need to suffer if there are some practical steps forward so I would help her approach student housing and see if she can move.

Covid was awful for our young people and perhaps it would help her to have a counsellor and talk through some of the feelings around that ?

This is why i quite like the idea of women and men having separate halls at uni. Can't imagine how hard it must be breaking up with a boy that lives not only in the same halls but same flat! Even a grown woman would find that extremely difficult to deal with daily. It is the depression that's causing the lack of appetite and to think she can't even go back to her flat to relax after a tiring day as she has to mentally work through keeping a brave face when she bumps into him in the corridor, kitchen or hears his voice laughing with other flat mates while she is heart broken. Frankly, I'd move halls.