Daughter is going off the rails

[Itiswhatitis2022]

Morning all. My daughter is 17.5. She has suffered with her mh for years, self harming and taken 3 overdoses. She was on Fluoexetin now on Sertraline. My worry is she is going feral. Out every night, coming back at 1.00 a.m. some nights and smoking weed. We want to put boundaries in place . Does anyone else have set times your dc have to be in by and consequences if they don't comply? I have been soft on her as I fear her reaction, but something has got to change as its impacting my marriage. She says she doesn't like being home as dh (not her dad) went through her room and found joints. We have already said we can not gave drugs here. Really need some advice.

Normally I’m a fan off tough love with teenagers but she needs help.

What’s going on in her life that has broken her?

She tried counselling a couple of times but found it uncomfortable. We keep on suggesting this but it's batted away. She says her relationship with her dad and step mum has been a factor but it's only because they have different standards in their home and she actually no longer stays there. I am at a loss tbh. Is there such a thing as counselling via messenger as opposed to talking?

It’s therapy she needs and not counselling. She needs to get to the root causes.
you also need boundaries as these demonstrate love and commitment to her, rather than letting her do as she wants without consequences.

Thank you. What sort of therapy would you think? We have some boundaries and consequences ready to share with her but I do fear her reaction.

Sorry to hear OP.
As a mum to a DD same age with similar MH troubles I feel for you.
A good counsellor should be able to offer support in other ways if talking is hard.
My DD has a counsellor and some days they talk, some days they colour, same days she offers walk in silence which DD never takes up, some days they just sit and watch a movie.
Last week DD and counsellor planned a mini trip for DD and I and we are currently in a seaside town as a result.

There are other forms of therapy such as animal therapy, gaming therapy etc.
It takes a while for therapy to start taking effect unfortunately.
Your DD probably feels she has no one in her corner and is lashing out. I do agree that joint thing could be dangerous but she is probably crying for attention from you.
Can you go away with her for a day and not talk about this at all?
Sometimes the best way to be there is to sit in silence next to them.

Thanks for your reply. I will see what is available in our area in terms of therapy. Any idea where I would find this info? I have talked a bit with her, but will keep trying.

Try the bacp, counsellors directory or ukcp websites.
This was recommended to me by camhs when we finished with them a d had to go private.
A counsellor doesn't necessarily have the qualifications that a psychotherapist has. But after seeing many professionals in camhs and crisis teams, my daughter is most comfortable with a counsellor who is also mother to 2 teens her age.
It takes a while to find the right person.
In the meantime, you can make a difference.
Sit her down and tell her you love her, what can you do to help her, set your ground rules in return.
I would say safety is first important. Which means location sharing at all times and back home in time which is agreed by both of you.
For now, focus on that and once trust is established, you can work on the joint issue.
Boundaries have to be set and agreed by both parties.
Start with small steps.
Keep telling her you love her..she is important to you..her safety is hour main concern etc. It may feel pointless but it does matter to them..it will go into their head.
Look after yourself. It's super hard..
My DH is her dad and yet we almost divorced over DDs MH troubles.
Self care for you is super vital now.
Xx

I have been going through the same thing. My daughter is 16- she is spiralling down again

Last time, through years 9 and 10, she would self harm, she became anorexic and drank and took drugs. I jumped through all the hoops and she was referred to CASUS, for the risky behaviour. The psychiatrist was excellent, she took prozac and managed the gcse year, seemed to be back to her old self. They signed her off.

She started a levels but has now lost it again. I got her to the gp and they prescribed prozac again but she won't take it. She said she's leaving school. She is nocturnal. She won't engage with therapy this time around.

She's always had good boundaries- her older brother is wonderful- and it just feels like we've tried everything. If we keep her in, and lock doors, she goes out through window. We took her phone last time, it didnt help. She's awful to me. Lies all the time. I'm asking for a referral again but its unlikely it will come quickly enough. She just can't see that she's blowing her life up.

Not much help I know- just know you are not alone!

Thanks so much. I just need to get dd to buy in to having some help. I will sit down with her hopefully today. It's always about trying to find the right moment. Do you think putting boundaries in place is OK at this age? I am so torn. We were thinking 10.00 on college nights and midnight at the weekend. Consequences would be if not back at x time, not allowed out the next night. Other things would be me stopping lifts to friends for example. There was a suggestion that stopping lifts to college and work should be included but I need her to get to both, particularly college.

Yes there is. If you sign up to self referral via IESO or similar, you can choose whether to have counselling by videolink, phone call or chatbox texting.

Can you sit down with her and explain you are not angry.You don't want to impose curfews out of punishment, but because you love her and care for her safety. Smoking weed and being out all hours will not improve her MH. It will wreck it. What does she want her life to be like? How can you help support her to achieve things that will make her feel stable and happy and confident and proud of herself? Keep chatting along those lines, if you can.

It's very easy to say in theory and so hard to do in reality.

Have you tried Frank or NAnon to see what support they can offer. They probably know the best approach for parents of teens with a weed problem.

Oh my word. I am so sorry you are going through this. It's exhausting isn't it. Dd was awful through school in regards to self harming but that seems to have stopped. In her words, she cba with it, which seems a strange comment. Have you got set times when she needs to be home by and consequences if not?

I think you are in a very difficult situation but you have to think through the consequences to the consequences.

For example, realistically, how are you going to keep a 17.5 year old in without locking them in their room or restraining them? Are you going to get your DH (who she already has issues with) to body block her? She's almost an adult (in Scotland, she is an adult!).

Don't put anything in place you can't follow through upon.

This is my concern too in regards to grounding her. Just doesn't sit well with me at all. She needs contact with her friends. She has already told me they keep her going. I honestly don't know what to do. I am so exhausted by her coming in late and being disturbed. It's just a lack of respect.

Contact Kooth. They have a counselling service that is via messenger or text or live chat. Basically anonymous. Apparently a fantastic resource for teenagers. Really hope she finds her way to happiness soon. X

Thank you. Never heard of them. Will investigate now.

I’m following in sympathy with you. Does she like the company she keeps? My DD has thankfully drifted from a group she was hanging around with, and has a much nicer circle around her now. One thing I felt helped her get out of it was I always made myself available to collect her any time, day or night. She’s also voluntarily suggested counselling, which is a step in the right direction, but the worry doesn’t leave.

She loves her college friends. Much more so than her school friends. She sees them as the reason to keep going. Wow. Offering pick ups at any time? How do you cope with that? Do you work? I wfh and do what I can but not in the middle of the night.

Yes. It’s not always easy but I go to bed early and it’s reassuring to me that I know where she is and that she’s home safe (it’s maybe 1-2 times a fortnight.)

I just can't live my life like that though. I get it. You want them safe, but need to also look after me too. Something I have not done and my health has taken a beating.