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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

AM ABSOLUTELY LIVID. SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME WINE PLEASSSE!

23 replies

Rosbo · 24/04/2008 23:38

just had a call from the police, yes the police, saying my DD2 aged 15 [yes the same one who was suspended a month ago] saying that she was caught in town in possesion of alcohol and cannabis. DH has gone to collect her. She told me she was going to her friends party and was staying over. This is a close friend who we know quite well. Do you think her friends are having a bad influence of her?

OP posts:

mumonthenet · 24/04/2008 23:47

poor you,

can't really comment on friend or friends though certainly you would be wise to know who are the dodgy ones.

Hopefully she's had a big fright from the police?

What are you going to do? Have a glass of wine and calm down first though!!

onlyjoking9329 · 24/04/2008 23:48

passes a glass of wine to Rosbo

Original poster

Rosbo · 24/04/2008 23:51

I thought being suspended from school would be enough to frighten her! But obviously not. Am really wondering what punishment to use next! Cheers onlyjoking

Whats everyones experience of grounding as a punishment?
I've never used it myself!

OP posts:

WallOfSilence · 24/04/2008 23:56

Is she the one who was suspended for being racist?

mumonthenet · 24/04/2008 23:57

you need custy.

custy where are you?

I think grounding is probably the obvious one and the most appropriate...i.e. she can't be trusted to go out so she doesn't go out.

Forgive me asking but...why was she going to a party if she's on a month's suspension from school?

Let me top up your glass!

notjustmom · 25/04/2008 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 25/04/2008 00:05

i have 15 year old twins.

if my twins want to stay out at a friends house - i either drive them there and speak with the parent
or i speak to the parent on the phone.

i let them know that i am a parent who gives a shit simply by being concerned.

i let my kids know that the old " i'm stopping at a friends house" bullshit that i did when i was 15 becuase my mum never checked - won't fly.

it depends what you mean by grounding.

i personally think that locking kids away in their room with fuck all to do is counter productive.

make them useful - like clean the bog, cook the tea - do a list of daily chores.

a months suspension is v. serious. my kids have been in fights and been suspended for a day

Original poster

Rosbo · 25/04/2008 00:09

no no...she was suspended a month ago. For two days. Yeah for being racist . Now that thats all over shes gone and done this..great! Well I don't know about taking her phone away as I need to contact her. But how about putting her sim card in my crappy old old phone which can't even text for a while and seeing how she deals with that! I might take her laptop away for a bit too. And yes, ground her. Sound good?

OP posts:

notjustmom · 25/04/2008 00:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

barbarianoftheuniverse · 25/04/2008 14:27

Alcohol and cannabis don't come free. Where does she get the cash from?

jalopy · 25/04/2008 17:43

Nice to see you back, custy.

mumonthenet · 25/04/2008 18:46

so what happened when she got back rosbo?

and how did she get the alc and cannabis?

hope you're ok.

lijaco · 25/04/2008 22:42

I have two teenage sons and they are very open. Canabis is extremely easy to get hold of. It costs little because teenagers chip in and share it. They have told me of how it is passed through school fence by people who sell it. It is used widely! It is scarily available.

Original poster

Rosbo · 26/04/2008 01:01

Yeah cannabis is pretty widely available apparently. Plus she has a saturday job - earns her own money! Well after DH brought her back I was just exhausted so took her phone away and told her to go to bed. Made her come straight home from school and clean today. When her mates rang I told them she was busy [evil cackles] and told her that this weekend, she would be revising and not sleeping round her mates tommorow night! Boy is she angry!! But I don't care. She certainly won't be going out this weekend or the next one.

OP posts:

lijaco · 26/04/2008 11:46

That is the best thing. I have had personal experience of this with my son. He is now 18 and regrets a lot. I was really niave at the time. He was around 14 yrs. Led to him being permanently excluded and a downward spiral. He talks openly with me now and says it definately had an adverse effect. changed his personality completely. It could just be a phase. If she is doing what you say that is good!

Blandmum · 26/04/2008 12:05

Rosbo, she isn't going to need the phone because if grounded she is going to be in exactly two places, at school, or where you can see her.

and amazingly we all survived school without being in constant communication with our parents. Scchools will phone home for kids if they miss the bus etc

Blandmum · 26/04/2008 12:06

No phone, no cash, no social life. these are not rights they are privileges which she needs to earn

Janni · 26/04/2008 12:10

I would go down the 'activity' route i.e. a specific checklist of jobs which need doing in order to earn back each privilege which you have removed because of this latest behaviour.

You do NOT want her moping round her room feeling sorry for herself and dreaming up new ways to get her revenge for the unfairness of life.

TheHedgeWitch · 27/04/2008 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gagarin · 27/04/2008 15:29

Hard for her to be told off for cannabis & alcohol when she's 15 and everyone does it - round here all the rich kids do anyway.

The poor kids do diamond white in bus shelters.

It's important to not let the lesson be "don't get caught" and by being really strict the resentment can be so high that the lesson is lost completely.

Much more important is a discussion about alcohol & cannabis leading to other more risky behaviours like unprotected sex.

Talk about why she had cannabis - did it make her feel good? Part of the crowd? Fitting in? Is she getting some for herslf only or does she give it to other people?

Good luck & keep calm. She's doing what other teenagers do - she's not an out and out bad girl.

She's finding her way in world full of contradictions where bizarrely (from her point of view) your age determines whether alcohol etc is legal or illegal - most adults drink. Some adults smoke dope. Very confusing!

gagarin · 27/04/2008 15:31

BTW your thread title may give a clue to how she view's alcohol?

To calm herself down in a stressful (teen socialising is so scary) environment?

d0glover · 28/04/2008 14:21

I'm afraid its prob a peer group thing and you can't control who they're friends with. Testing parameters etc.

Radical suggestion - why not take her for an "educational" visit to sit at the back of a magistrates court for a couple of hours so she can see what happens to people who break the rules - it would have to be an adult sentencing court as you would not be allowed in youth but most of the crimes are the same and the sentences a lot harsher.

lijaco · 28/04/2008 14:45

I agree with gagarin completely.
It is huge peer pressure. I can't believe how wide spread and how 99.9% of teenagers are doing it. I think being open is best. just keep talking.

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