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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

AITA for calling out my teenage sons gaslighting

21 replies

Deanmumtoteenagers · 20/10/2024 16:10

My 16yo son is gaslighting me and I don't know how to deal with this?
He will say he has told me things when he hasn't, say I am always to busy to listen to him. He is saying I'm a horrible human being for expecting him to pay 'board' now he is 16. I have had to push him to get a part time job because he wouldn't apply for apprenticeships. (Apparently that was my fault because I didn't do it for him) he constantly bails on his 2 shifts a week to go see him girlfriend (who won't even be in the same room as me because apparently I cause her to have panic attacks) I asked him to pay his own phone bill which is capped at £11 a month and he flew off the handle saying I am using him and this is why he can't get a better job because I want to steal all his money etc. I just feel like I have failed as a parent.
He hasn't had the best experience when he was younger as his bio dad was abusive (mentally towards me) and I hate to say it but he is turning into him.
He twists everything, anything I bring up he turns so I'm the bad guy.
I seriously need help. He is expecting me to buy him a car and all the lessons when he turns 17 and it's just not going to happen.

OP posts:

TeenToTwenties · 20/10/2024 19:22

Assuming he is at school /college I think asking for board at 16 is a bit much.
Though saying he has to work part time for his own spends is not unreasonable.

Lots of kids have to fund their own driving lessons, though if you can contribute, that's a nice thing to do.

Pigeonqueen · 20/10/2024 19:26

At 16 if you’re low income you should still be getting support for him in the form of Universal credit and child benefit etc so I think you’re unreasonable to ask for board. But yes he does need to have some future plans and try to find some sort of course / apprenticeship etc.

Sunsetsarethebest · 20/10/2024 19:34

I think you are right to call him out, how else will he learn. Whether it is best done in the moment or afterwards is your parenting call. 'The way you are speaking to me at the moment is rude and verbally abusive/ (or whatever the error is). Or 'I am your mother and i love you, it also means i have to educate you why the way you are behaving is not acceptable/rude/ miscommunicating/levels of responsibility......

User100000000000 · 21/10/2024 09:10

You charge your 16yr old board? Wow

Fraaahnces · 21/10/2024 09:13

I would give him until December 1st to have his shit together or his own accommodation sorted. Have it in writing and emai and sms it to him so he can’t accuse you of not giving him notice. He may be troubled but he certainly sounds like he has learned a thing or two feom
hid abusive Dad.

soupfiend · 21/10/2024 09:14

If he has an income from his apprenticeship then yes he should be contributing to the household, albeit a token amount perhaps for bills. If he were in supported accommodation this would be the same arrangement where he should contribute.

Yes he aboslutely should pay his own phone bill

Yes he should pay for and fund a car/lessons if thats what he wants

The problem is, as you say, the harm experienced when he was younger means that his view of his own value and that of others is skewed, so he is probably ver insecure but equally doesnt care about others or see that he needs to be make a contribution in life (in a number of ways, I dont just mean financial)

Octavia64 · 21/10/2024 09:20

If his bio dad was abusive then he has probably not had the best start.

Detach a bit if you can.

He can expect driving lessons and a car all he likes, you don't have to give them to him.

You can be clear about these things without it turning into an argument.

You say "l'm sorry son, now you are 16 you need to be in education or a job. If you are in education I'm happy to pay your phone bill etc (if you are) but if you are earning it's time you took responsibility for some payments".

A bit like with a child, he doesn't need to agree with you you just stop paying for the phone. He'll sort it out if he wants it.

Starlight7080 · 21/10/2024 09:22

Are you on a low income? If so you should still be getting some sort of money for him.
16 is very young to ask for money .
Granted 11 for his phone bill seems fine .
But if he is only doing two shifts a week he can't be getting much.
What happened in the past for his gf to feel anxious around you?
He is only 16 , most grow out of this stage as they get older

ByMerryKoala · 21/10/2024 09:22

Is the part time job the only commitment that he has? Or does he also attend anything else?

PhoneMyHelplineTwice · 21/10/2024 09:23

I am reading this that he isn't in education, hasn't applied for apprenticeships because that is probably what he said he would do, he got a part time job but doesn't go to it.

Therefore OP has lost child benefit and the son is expecting everything to be paid for him, whilst sitting on his arse doing nothing. He thinks the world owes him one.

Completelyjo · 21/10/2024 09:25

Paying towards basic food and lodgings at 16 from a part time job is nuts.
You can’t exactly claim child benefit and then take additional money from your child.
Paying for his own phone isn’t comparable.

soupfiend · 21/10/2024 09:26

Completelyjo · 21/10/2024 09:25

She wont be getting child benefit if he is not in education

Hoplolly · 21/10/2024 09:30

I think you're being way too harsh on him. He's 16.

FrequentNameChanger2024 · 21/10/2024 10:20

Hoplolly · 21/10/2024 09:30

I think you're being way too harsh on him. He's 16.

Which bit is too harsh?

redskydarknight · 21/10/2024 10:30

None of the things in your post are gaslighting apart from him saying he's told you things that he hasn't. And are you genuinely too busy to listen? I may have a point.

This sounds like a child who needs support and direction not "calling out". I had to check the age as you are treating him more like an 18 year old or an older adult.

The trouble is that he can probably see his friends' parents doing more to support them than you are. He is going about the wrong way of expressing himself, but 16 year old boys are still a work in progress.

Most 16 year olds will be in education or training of some sort. And yes, their parents will have helped them to apply. It's pretty unusual for a 16 year old to pay board (if you are on a low income, then are you claiming for everything that you can?). Some parents will pay for driving lessons and/or a car (clearly this is not achievable for everyone).

I think he needs some boundaries setting with regards what you will and will not pay for (based on your available money, not as a punishment). He also needs more scaffolding - do you have a team in your area that supports 16 year olds in his position? Would be worth contacting them.

Jessie1259 · 21/10/2024 10:38

He a 16 year old who has lived with an abusive father. He's a child and shouldn't be having to pay board, that is unfair IMO.

You are now seeing him as his dad which is also really unfair. I wouldn't throw 'gas lighting' around, maybe he thought he had told you, it seems you're judging him by his fathers standards which is really bad IMO. He is not his father but he has been through a lot.

He very clearly needs time and support that he's not getting at the moment. That's what he means when he says you are always too busy. Is he at school/college? He hasn't got his dad so he really needs to know you're there for him to help and support him, he's just a kid.

You need to remember that he is a 16 year old child that has been through a lot and is now struggling. Obviously you can't get him driving lessons and a car if you can't afford it so you need to be suggesting he save up from his part time work for that - not to pay you board.

He's lost OP, it's not clear if he's in school or college but if not then he needs even more help and support. It sounds like he didn't have the confidence/self esteem to apply for apprenticeships without some help and support - which he didn't get.

Mine has an apprenticeship and got a lot of support to get through the different stages, writing a cv/cover letter, how to answer the personality tests, what he might be asked at interview and how to answer based on his experience. You need to start supporting him if you want him to get anywhere IMO, he's just a kid.

Fraaahnces · 21/10/2024 11:12

She is his grandmother, not his parent. I would love to know who is paying her to support this kid? I’m guessing she’s not a squillionaire and who knows how long he’s been there and under what agreement.
Of course if he is earning any kind of money he should pay board. That’s how you learn responsibility. What does he do all day? He’s not doing a trade, assume he’s not at school and he’s skipping his job. Sounds like he’s doing his best to avoid reality right now.

Completelyjo · 21/10/2024 11:14

Fraaahnces · 21/10/2024 11:12

The OP? She uses “son” and “parent” several times in her post?

BobbyBiscuits · 21/10/2024 11:28

Has he been kicked out of school/college? If not then surely he's studying so shouldn't have to pay board yet. I wouldn't really expect much in the way of board from a teenager until they were working full time. Fair enough you won't get him a car and lessons. Not every family can afford such a luxury.
His behaviour sounds fairly typical of a slightly lost teen boy. I hope you can encourage him to find the right path. I know it's difficult but don't turn your back on him.

MrsSunshine2b · 21/10/2024 12:38

He's a child. Why are you charging him board? And why is he not in school?

Skyrainlight · 21/10/2024 12:56

Charging board at 16 seems very unreasonable to me.

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