Dd14 autistic and unhappy

[fairylights82]

Hello… feeling at my wits end. My dd14 is diagnosed autistic and has adhd. She also has significant difficulties with food on a sensory and control level. She had anorexia in year 8, simply didn’t cope with school on any level, and is now home educated. I’m glad she can be at home, and things are better, but she is so isolated and unhappy sometimes. She’s super smart, talented and absolutely thrives on relationships where there are shared interests and often older teens in the past but now she has no friends and even the various clubs she does, she really struggles to make any connections. We do everything we can to keep her happy and get her out and about doing fun activities but she pushes back so hard, not wanting to do anything. I’m around her all the time because she is home and I have to keep an eye on her to offer the support as and when she needs it, emotional and educational, but that also means I am exposed to all her moods and I find it so hard and stressful, with my own mental health often at breaking point. Any advice?

Could you see if you've got any peer support groups near you? They could be useful for both her and you. The ones aimed at teenagers often centre around activities, day trips etc, but are for teens facing mental health challenges, or ones specifically for neurodivergent teens etc. The ones aimed at adults can provide some support from parents going through similar with their teens. Sometimes it helps to just be around people who understand, it takes the weight off a bit (again, for both her and you). This is a useful search tool to find groups near you, just make sure you tick 'peer support group' when the lists of groups come up. If you click each group listing you can see how they operate (if they do things like crafts/days out, or if they're more talking based) x
Mental Health Support Network provided by Chasing the Stigma | Hub of hope

Oh op I hear you. My 10 year old is very similar. It is absolutely exhausting being an autistic child's only friend and also their carer

In our town we bave a tween and teen meet up run by parents for autistic kids...I run one for younger children

Could you reach out on f book find similar teens and start setting up some groups?

“she has no friends and even the various clubs she does, she really struggles to make any connections. We do everything we can to keep her happy and get her out and about doing fun activities but she pushes back so hard, not wanting to do anything.”

Can I suggest that you not push her to do more activities? Or to go out frequently?

With autism and adhd, it is often the case that a few good friends from a few core activities that are always attended are better than loads of friends and always going out. The struggle to make connections is real because often there is not the bandwidth to nurture multiple friends at any one time across half a dozen activities, and it takes longer to develop friendships.

I just try to do whatever makes her happier. It’s her that wants to do the clubs. I would prefer she do less but it’s her decision. As for going out, if we leave her alone she gets lethargic and depressed so we literally have to drag her out. If leaving her be made her happy I would do that in a heartbeat. But unfortunately that’s not the case.

Thank-you. I may look into this. It’s so relentless. I have little hope to be honest that anything social will work for her because any social interaction the less three years has been a complete fail but I guess we just keep trying.

Yes I may give this a try… thank-you.

My dd is also autistic and they did help her, but we found the more structured ones with a set activity worked best, not the ones where they sit in a circle and talk (these made her very anxious). It took her a good few weeks to manage a full conversation with anyone but she did, she said she found it easier because the fear of people judging her for not understanding social cues/ not having to constantly watch for social cues because she was in a room of people who understood was nice, It took the pressure off of her.