Is this normal in a relationship these days?

[CruisingDuck]

Having a discussion with DSD earlier about how she doesn't trust her boyfriend. Says cause he follows other girls on instagram and likes their stories etc. when I asked her how she knew he was liking their stories, she said "I see it when I log into his account". I asked if he has access to any of her socials and she said all of them as she does with his.

When DH and I were explaining that that isn't healthy, she got really annoyed and said that everyone in her school has access to all log ins to their boyfriend/girlfriend.

Both are 16 and have been together for a while and he's a nice boy, but just concerned about having each others passwords and how it's unhealthy to be going through each others accounts.

She did say that we weren't at school with phones like now so we wouldn't understand.

So is this what's happening these days, or is this worrying?

I definitely hear stories about couples policing each others social media… DD had a male friend who blocked her on Snapchat then texted to say his GF had made him do it…

DD has only been in an unhealthy relationship so I can’t draw any conclusions from that I’m afraid!

DSD was in a very nasty relationship before so we're all worried she thinks this is the norm :(

No not 'whats happening' - just weird.

She doesn't have very healthy boundaries. She's sixteen and has now had two dysfunctional relationships. It might be an idea to find out why and help her to work on that.

I can't get my head around her being sixteen and in her second relationship that's unhealthy.

Anyway. I've got a very recently turned eighteen year old and a twenty year old and neither of them have been in a situation where they are logging in to other people's social media.

Unhealthy relationships aside that's a basic cyber security fail to be sharing passwords. That also needs to be addressed.

"But everyone else does it..." is a pretty standard teenage response. Regardless of truth or validity.

The common retort used to be "well if everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you?".

We've never had that with any of our teens, doesn't sound healthy at all. DS did once have a very controlling GF who tried to ban him from messaging or following any girls (even his friends!) on social media but luckily they broke up. Maybe have a chat with your DSD about trust and how that forms part of good relationships.

No way, my DS is 21 and never shared his log in details for social media nor would he

We had a chat with her and she got very defensive. We clearly struck a nerve. She said I'm old enough to make my own choices and I don't have to listen to any advice from you, then stormed off while saying "everyone at school does it!!"

When we asked if she trusts him, she said no, but then said she wants to be with him. Her self esteem is very low but clearly doesn't want to talk about it

Regardless if it's 'normal' behaviour for young people nowadays or not, it's not healthy behaviour. Your daughter needs help with her self-esteem, so she doesn't see the need to have her boyfriend's passwords or monitor his online activities. Equally, this works both ways, in that she needs to feel confident in herself to say no, if a boyfriend wanted her passwords. It's a cyber security risk in itself, sharing passwords with other people. Where does that stop? Sharing online banking information with each other, emails etc. It's unhealthy and to be honest exhausting too! I have a 14 year old, and he's not yet interested in having a girlfriend. However, having a husband who works in IT, he would be horrified at the mere thought of my son sharing his passwords etc with a girlfriend!!!

Is there any reason why her self esteem is low and can you help build her self esteem? She needs to learn about healthy behaviour in relationships and red flags to look out for.

The problem is, it's a self perpetuating cycle. Bad relationships chip away at your self esteem and she could end up never having a happy relationship.

@username3678 she has always been very shy and since she got a phone and had access to social media, she's hated herself. She admits this is the reason that there is so much pressure to look a certain way etc. she thinks that you need a boyfriend to be happy and when she split from the last boyfriend, she was constantly talking to other guys from school as she felt she had to fill that void.

It's really sad :(

Do you think counselling would be helpful in order to explore her feelings and build up her self esteem?

DD's BF when she was 14/15 had asked for her log in details for her Snapchat and would regularly check it. We only discovered this when they had a row one day and DD was upset that BF had listened to some of her voice messages between her and her friend to see what she was saying about him.

This was the first huge red flag of many but it took DD about a year to realise what an awful person he was. We were so happy when she finally dumped him.

@username3678 she's already seeing a counsellor x

I'm so glad your daughter is rid of him!

It’s not normal. When you consider platforms where messages disappear eg Snapchat, a lot of damage can be done by someone reading your messages and not telling you what those messages said because they disappear.

I am on insta and many photos say how many likes and if anybody you folllow liked it. You just need to be friends rather than have access to logins.

I’m in my 40s and when social media was taking off, lots of couples had a joint account on FB presumably for that specific reason.