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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Toxic Teenager

17 replies

HonestBiscuit · 18/10/2024 23:19

This is something I wasn’t planning on doing but I don’t know who else to talk about this. My teenager is awful, I really hate to say it but I need to get this off my chest. My teenager upsets me nearly everyday and goes into deep conversations every week about the past blaming me for everything. We sold our home a few years ago and that’s only one of the things I’m so often blamed for. The everyday things are their political beliefs, my teenager has such strong political beliefs but my teenager hates that our political beliefs don’t always align, this child wants me to always believe everything that they do. They’re a complete control freak and a hoarder, if I even touch one of the amazon boxes or bottles or random foods that they say they’ll eat but never will then they will get very upset. My child has no siblings and I’m also blamed for the fact that I didn’t give them siblings. I tried to give this child siblings and miscarried many times. They’ve told me they don’t like me and I’ve accepted that. They’re also a total hermit, staying at home for months at a time and not talking to anyone . Am I the reason they’re the way they are or is it just them? Some of the positive things about this child is that they excel academically and already know exactly what career they’ll have and are working on it. They are very bright and have been since a young age. However I’m tired of being blamed for everything I’ve ever done because they don’t like that I did it. They are extremely manipulative and know exactly how to make me feel like I’m in the wrong when they made me sad but can also be so sweet sometimes and I don’t know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
Chowtime · 18/10/2024 23:39

Have you tried dating "ok dear" every time they say something to you?

Chowtime · 18/10/2024 23:40

Saying not dating

sunshineinabag2 · 19/10/2024 10:11

Have they always been like this OP? When did the behavior start? Are you with their dad? Do you have any support at all?

This doesn't sound like they are healthy mentally do you have any worries about depression, mental conditions or neurodiversity?

HonestBiscuit · 19/10/2024 14:12

sunshineinabag2 · 19/10/2024 10:11

Have they always been like this OP? When did the behavior start? Are you with their dad? Do you have any support at all?

This doesn't sound like they are healthy mentally do you have any worries about depression, mental conditions or neurodiversity?

They weren’t always this way, as a child they had a great love for all animals but now they have a great hate for invasive species (like cats or dogs) and have even killed domesticated animals in the past just for existing. I’m not with their father anymore and I don’t receive any support from anyone. I do have worries for mental illness but they have threatened me that I won’t ever see them again if I try to send them to a psychologist because they don’t believe in therapy. I’ve sent them to a psychologist before and they refused to speak to the psychologist and the psychologist told me they can’t do anything if they refuse to get help. They have level 1 autism so yes they are neurodivergent. They’ve also been diagnosed with OCD when they were a preteen which was one of the only times they would speak to mental health professionals . My child is also extremely racist and homophobic, constantly complaining about how progressive society is and all that stuff. They say my presence is polluted because I have been friends with a non white person in the past and tell me I have to cleanse myself from sin. The change in them has been happening since age 11 or 12 and I really am so lost now.

OP posts:
wanttokickoffbutcant · 19/10/2024 23:05

You say a teen OP but how old - big difference between responses for a 13 or a 19 year old.

Seriously OP, after seeing the case in the paper today of the lad who killed his mum with a kitchen knife I would just get him removed from your home and protect yourself.

He does not sound well at all. Killing animals is a precursor to killing people in many cases.

Are there any religious or other cultural influences we should be aware of here before we try and give any further advice?

HonestBiscuit · 20/10/2024 06:38

wanttokickoffbutcant · 19/10/2024 23:05

You say a teen OP but how old - big difference between responses for a 13 or a 19 year old.

Seriously OP, after seeing the case in the paper today of the lad who killed his mum with a kitchen knife I would just get him removed from your home and protect yourself.

He does not sound well at all. Killing animals is a precursor to killing people in many cases.

Are there any religious or other cultural influences we should be aware of here before we try and give any further advice?

I’m don’t want to go into specifics but they’re between 14-16. Many years from being able to move out and I don’t feel at risk myself I just feel like they’re going to severely struggle in life socially. There is no doubt that they’ll succeed in their career but there is no way they’ll be having a healthy relationship. It’s a girl by the way, I know it probably sounds like she’s a boy but no.

OP posts:
AceofPentacles · 20/10/2024 07:17

I'm a social worker and I'd probably contact early help for advice on this. If a person is autistic and has OCD and possibly mental health concerns you are right, they may struggle to function in adulthood and it could quickly escalate when their safety person (you) are not around to deflect some of it. I wonder if a SEND mentor rather than a psychologist may be able to help at least initially. Does your teen have friends?

WonderingWanda · 20/10/2024 07:26

This sounds really hard op and like there is a lot more going on than just normal teen grumpiness. As the poster above has said, you need to seek some support with this to help your teen transition to adulthood. It sounds like it could be very complex with the neuro diversity but maybe other things going on and in reality it would need someone specialist to unpick that. Saying so many hateful things to your parent and having so many hateful views and harming animals is not remotely normal and suggests some sort mental health issues on top of the autism.

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through and that you are experiencing so much negativity from your teen. Please know that you are not an awful person and please look after yourself. Build yourself a network of friends and support away from your child's very complex problems. Go and see your gp about how all of this is impacting you as well. Stay strong op.

verycloakanddaggers · 20/10/2024 07:31

Your child and you need help. Report the behaviour urgently.

This is not about being 'toxic', there are red flags for serious mental health and behavioural issues.

Speak to school, the doctor and social services on Monday.

Noodlepots · 20/10/2024 07:38

Is she in school? If so you need to speak to them urgently.

bifurCAT · 20/10/2024 07:47

Was the 'my teenager' style of writing to disguise their sex initially? I hate deviating threads, but it sounded very disconnected.

TY78910 · 20/10/2024 07:55

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds really hard.

You mention that DC has hurt an animal before - that suggests there is some sort of lack of empathy there (most humans wouldn't hurt another being, this is very worrying).

Their views also seem extreme? When I first read your post about differing views I thought it would be the other way (you know, how teenagers now are very very very left wing) but racism, saying you need to cleanse yourself of sin because you befriended someone of a different race are very extreme views - makes me think they're being radicalised? I'd be very concerned about who they talk to online / in person here x

BananagramBadger · 20/10/2024 08:11

This sounds very extreme. I would tell them the choice was actually engaging with therapy or removing both internet access and phone - I think the latter would be wise either way tbh. They’ve clearly got themselves into a rabbit hole of content that is inappropriate and their autism is making it too real and too clear cut.

Rosiethewonderdog · 20/10/2024 08:19

I read your post and it echoed with the experience my friend is going through - both her adult kids have OCD and Autism. There aren't many answers out there - she gets verbally abused, feels physically threatened, and has called the police a few times. The NHS provided a counsellor who had little experience and very little training tried to help but they were in over her head and did not understand the complexity of the problem. I think they made it worse.

They got help from a psychologist who specialised in OCD - but they couldn't continue due to cost. I'm posting his website because it contains links and info you might find helpful. It's a tough path with little support and whilst it your dc is under 18 you have some input - once they hit 18 it becomes really tricky - you no longer have any say and yet you live with all the consequences.
https://robwillson.com/therapy/

Therapy | Dr Rob Willson

https://robwillson.com/therapy

TheFunnyPinkWriter · 21/10/2024 17:41

I am so sorry you are going through this OP!
I work with young people and your teen is showing a LOT of signs of radicalisation, the fact they are neurodivergent can mean that they are more suseptable to extreme views.
If they are at school or college, I would speak to the safeguarding team and get yourselves some support

Remarkablepass · 21/10/2024 17:52

That is very challenging. There is a lot of ND in my family and some of it has veered into psychopathy/narcissistic levels of personality disorder. I’ve seen similar with one of my ASD son’s peers. From a very young age it has been clear that as well as ASD, he is developing a PD. It is very controversial to say out loud particularly on here but there is definitely overlap between ND and PDs for a very, very small minority same as for NT people. I would be extremely concerned that your daughter is on this path, I think you need to express your concerns especially with the animal
killings to mental health services/ social services.

DeliciousApples · 21/10/2024 17:57

Your child killed a domesticated animal, what the actual fuck.

You defo need professional help as your child is dangerous. What will it be next time, another domesticated animal or a black baby as she is racist, or something or someone like you if you puss her off.

I am literally gobsmacked. No clue what to suggest. She sounds dangerous.

Defo get help. Ask it in person while she's at home or school, or phone when out shopping or something in case your child overhears and goes mental.

Sorry you're going through this. It's awful.

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