Teen trouble

[LinzT]

Hi, new to the group. Looking for advice/support.
My daughter is 14 nearly 15. Since Y8 we battled with the occasional school refusal, we put this down to academically struggling, not very confident socially. Fast forward she’s now in Y10 and hasn’t started the year off to well. The school she attends is renowned for their strictness ( not a bad thing ) she has spent a few days in isolation due to lateness to lessons… this is concerning that she is not in class working towards her GCSE’s… my daughter on the other hand doesn’t care. Seems to have completely checked out. This morning was horrendous, she made everyone late on the school run then finally because I was hurrying her along, she refused to go…. (this is not the first time) we have tears, shouting and then she just shuts down, this is where I lose it!!! ( not physically )I’ve always made it clear school is not a choice and by refusing to go she knows that is the only thing that gets a reaction from me. This has happened a few times now and always results to consequences for her like tech bans etc but she will willing take because she is stubborn. Without physically dragging her to school I just don’t know what to do, when these situations happen. I have always been honest with the school with her refusal but more often then not, I don’t hear back from them. I feel like a complete failure as a parent and it’s so upsetting. I know how difficult it is now to come out of school with nothin, I don’t want that for her. I’ve never put pressure on her academically only encouraged her to show up and do her best. We give her so much love and support but she’s just pulling back.
Any advice appreciated.

I wonder if anxiety is overwhelming her. Is she able to articulate at all what is tricky about school?

Is it the work, the other kids, the teachers, the structure?

If you can open up a conversation without too many questions and just see what comes out of it, it might give a clue.

How is she out of school friendwise? Is she getting into teen interests like parties, romantic relationships, chat and gossip with her group?

Does she hang about with a group out of school? Go shopping in town or just hang about with pals?

Or is she a loner/ one friend at a time girl?

The reason i ask these questions is because teenage girls can struggle due to autism - they fly under the radar at primary but at high school, conversation tends to get complex and friendship groups are larger. That is too much for an autistic brain to handle - triggering anxiety.

Autism also can lead to a loss of perspective around how school work is managed - it gets overwhelming. Just all too much.

Shutting down is a typical autistic behaviour.

It sounds as if she needs the pressure taken off her. Maybe a part time time table and some help around planning her work.

She might also need help from school to buddy her up with like minded girls - and if she is autistic, these are likely to be found at any lunch clubs - drama group, board games group, chess club etc.

These groups attract ND kids as they can avoid the noise, crowding and bitching going on in break times with all the cool kids.

Hi - I am a parent of an autistic child who can't attend school - so I know a lot of school refusing kids in my local community most of them neurodiverse - so I'm going to give you thoughts that are based on my direct expreience.

I have never yet met a child who refuses school who is not suffering hugely with anxiety about the school environment.

I absolutely know how incredibly stressful it is - you are NOT a failure as a parent but there is no point losing it emotionally or physically.

but - it sounds from your post that you are not at the moment wanting to hear that your daughter may genuinely be struggling to cope in school.

You may be on a clearer path to solutions if you firstly accept and believe your child when she tells you she simply cannot cope in that environment day in day out.

It really is the hardest place to be in - to see other kids going off happy or at least tolerating school and your own child curled in a ball at home miserable.

but - forget GCSEs there is something more important at stake - your childs mental health.

you say the school is strict - clearly that is not working for your child. ARe these isolations making her better 'behaved' or are they making her feel sad and stressed about school? sounds like the latter.

I also wonder why you aren't being offered support from school/?

You need to speak to the inclusion/SEN team/ pastoral care and say your child has emotionally based school avoidance - and they need to come up with a non punitive strategy for helping her during the school day.

Thanks for your response….
she hangs out with a large group of friends but really only socialises with 2 out of the group, never interacts with anybody else. Even through primary she only had 1 friend at a time. Her 2 friends are probably not the best fit for her, 1 who is her closest friend has been suspended 8 times (unbelievable) from what my daughter tells me there are no consequences at home. They are both allowed to do things that I’m not happy for my daughter to do ie stay out late on school nights ( and I mean late ) also be off school with parent permission… I honestly think this is what the main problem is. I have had for the last year “ mum you’re so strict, no one else’s parents punish them for being off school “ blah blah. I found myself question whether I am to strict… I give her freedom, maybe a-little more than I should for fear of her being left out but there are things I’m not prepared to shift on.
I have spoke to the school about her struggling academically, all her teachers tell me the same thing, that shes capable but lacks confidence massively. This is something they are supposed to be working on with her but I don’t see any improvement. Every time I contact the school I feel like a hindrance.

Unfortunately Op in these situations you have to be an absolutely relentless pain in the arse to the school if you want to get your child help

You need to reframe it - you aren't worried about her academically - you are worried about her emotionally/her mental health.

Framing it on academic study is probably part of the reason she is anxious - you can take GCSEs at anytime in your life but you can't recover your MH so easily.

If she doesn't get some real individualised support she will just refuse more and more - I see this pattern all the time.

ie. can an adult in school build a relationship with her - meet her when she comes in? Is there a quiet space she could spend some lessons in? Usually there is one for SEN children.

Any secondary school will have someone in a team working on school refusal it's very common - you need to find out who that person is.

Do you think your daughter may be neurodiverse? Does she struggle with change/ sensory overwhelm/ socially complex situations?

Im not clued up at all about neurodiverse traits…. I guess I’ve put her avoidance don’t to friendships, struggling but mainly behaviour. She doesn’t cope well socially, she has an unhealthy friendship, her friend is overly confident and gets into alot of trouble, my daughter has always befriended these types of friends and I think this is because she is so quiet and not confident, maybe they give her something she’s lacking. I took her to the Doctors a couple of months ago because I was concerned about her behaviour… not wanting to go to school when she knew she was alone, I was really worried about her lack of social confidence. I referred her for counselling but she then refused that. Now every morning I drop her to school but she will not get out my car until she knows where her friend is…. If she’s not there she will not get out my car at all. I think there’s a lot going on, I don’t know where to start. School are not concerned ( still haven’t returned my call about her school refusal today ) and she’s refusing counselling.

School sound shit. Does she not have a tutor responsible for her wellbeing?

Yes they are… everything is forwarded to head of year but there’s been no support, I’ve even copied the school attendance office in on emails and never heard back. They are supposed to arrange a meeting if attendance fell below 95% but never heard a thing last yr… I’ve kept all the emails that I’ve sent to prove that I’ve reached out. Last time I sent email to head of year he said he’d have a word with her, never did. I’m fighting a battle on my own. The only time I ever hear from the school is to tell me they’ve sent my child to isolation and that has now become a punishment for me.

@waterrat is correct. You do have to be absolutely relentless to get help.

I'm also wondering - does she seem young for her age? When she's comfortable in her own home, is she showing interest in fancying anyone (even celebrities, influencers, etc)

Sometimes (not always) autistic teens do struggle to progress socially to adulthood. Most NT teens are keen on becoming independent and they take far more notice of their peer group - drinking, vaping, boy talk, fashion, concerts etc become the topics for NT teens. (Obvs not suggesting all teen girls try out vaping but you will recognise the typical teen there)

Even very shy teens will start to have crushes. But this can get delayed in autistic teens until they are that bit older. So their preferred parties might involve bowling or cinema rather than the mixed sex teen parties round at someone's house whilst parents are away!

Schools are crap at spotting autism in girls. In your position, i would read up on it, see if anything fits and, if so, return to your GP and insist dd is added to the huge wait list. School will not do this as assessment requires a multi diciplinary team comprising at least of a speech & lang therapist and a CLINICAL psychologist (or psychiatrist) both professionals are part of the health service, not education.

If you can afford to go private (2k) it could be well worth it.

she is a typical teen in regards to boys… not serious stuff but crushes. She is very much into makeup and looking nice to the point of having full on melt downs when something doesn’t go right ie makeup almost obsessed with little details that I don’t even notice.

ah but being obsessed with little details is a nuerodiverse trait - intolerance of imperfection etc.

Anyway - it may be she is not autistic but - she does clearly have severe anxiety in lots of different situations - social/ school/ around her own appearance.

That is extremely poor response from school I'm not sure what you can do when they are that shit - you need to escalate - to a level of serious complaint at lack of support.

look at the facebook group Not fine in school

It is very common for teens who are struggling academically to check out of school mentally.

They tend to the mindset "I know I'm going to fail so better if I pretend I'm doing it deliberately rather than looking stupid."

The teacher feedback that she lacks confidence is meaningless - this is almost certainly a result of her poor academics not the other way round.

In your shoes I would focus on what can you do to support her. This could include: talking to the school and allowing her to drop a language or a gcse option for extra maths and English
Finding extra curricular stuff - dance or sport or music when she can be good at it to build her self esteem
Talking to her and finding out what she finds stressful about school - it's quite likely she feels worried teachers will ask her stuff she just doesn't know and is anxious about that
You might find a tutor for maths and English will help find out why she is doing badly and help fill gaps

Does she understand that not working now affects her future?

that only the 1% live a really good life?

Does she like good stuff, like nice clothes, food, holidays?

When my kids start to act out I remind them that anyone can stack shelves in Tesco, anyone can sweep a floor, anyone can clean toilets or flip burgers. you can leave school now and earn £10 an hour doing just that. Thats where you end up if you don’t try hard at school, on benefits with no choices in life.

Ask her what she dreams of being when she grows up. And then work backwards from there. Help her make a plan and help her see that if she doesn’t work, she’s going to be stacking shelves in Tesco.

i recommend her getting part time work in Tesco to do just that the moment she’s old enough. There’s nothing like actually doing this work to understand how dull it is. And how poorly paid it is.

I would not give tech bans. That’s pointless and pits you against her.

You should not be ashamed if she doesn’t go. There’s a deeper message, a deeper unmet need that’s stopping her from going. She sounds lost, adrift, with no purpose and no goals.

Where can you take her to inspire her to want and work for more?

She needs to believe in herself more. Tech bans and shouting at her won’t achieve that.

You tell her you love her and you want her to have a good life and work because unfortunately the games of the rules are set and if you don’t pass the exams, doors close to a future you may have wanted but let slip through your fingers because you thought ‘right now being a teen’ was ‘special’.

Tell her she’ll reach 20 and she’ll still want things to feel special. But her future self will wish that her 15 year old self had tried harder.

Sometimes second chances come around but they’re always harder, require more effort.

id email the head of school and say you’ll be making a complaint to the governors and ofsted if you don’t hear from them with a plan of action to support your daughter within 72 hours, call their bluff. Screw them.

Thank you all for your advice, so appreciated. Since posting the head of year has replied back to my email this evening… I have asked for a meeting this week. This is the first time I have ever posted on a group like this and honestly didn’t think anybody would reply back. Thanks all.

Full on meltdowns could also be a red flag for autism. I really hope your meeting goes well.

My youngest dd hated high school from the outset. She is another perfectionist over make up but she feels young for her age (now 17) We knew she hated school but didn't realise how much until she took an overdose last year.
She is much happier out of school and in college. We are part way through a private autism asst for her.

I should have picked up quicker really as we also have ds with diagnosed autism (very different presentation)

Whatever's behind your dds anxiety, she needs support. Don't leave it until crisis point like we did.

@LinzT just reading your messages here and your situation sounds just like mine with my year 10 daughter. How are things now? I've been in a similar state to you since September. Attendance is down to 70% and each day is a battle.
Our school have been supportive and put things in place but nothing really seems to make a difference.

Posting as in identical situation, hopefully your daughter has improved/ found a wbetter way for her?x

Reassuring to know it's not just us going through this but wondering how we move on and finish school successfully 😩