14yo DD and her boyfriend - not allowing him round

[SummerGardenFlowers]

My 14 yo DD (year 10 at school) has had a boyfriend for about 6/7 months. She's a good girl, top sets at school, minor misdemeanours but getting along fine and is a doddle of a child compared to older DD. Boyfriend opposite, has had a lot of problems at school, always in trouble for kicking off at teachers, has been on a reduced timetable etc, but if a chaotic homelife. The problem is that when she and her boyfriend have had an argument he has, quite frankly, said some awful stuff to her that my DH and I think is absolutely unacceptable. Last time this happened we told her he was no longer welcome in our house.

Thing is I'm now getting asked by her if he can come round etc. I've said no, and the reasons why, but now I'm in the bad books obviously. I just don't want to facilitate my daughter being treated badly, she deserves better.

The problem is that if you’re hostile, she may align herself with him & you will lose her trust & her confidence. My DD has a shit boyfriend so I know exactly how you feel, but I can’t control her choices. She got back together with him recently, we set out our boundaries, said we were concerned about it for xx reason but that it is up to her. It still is a huge elephant in the room but there is IMO no other way to handle it. They will just lie & sneak around… Trust and let go.

Oh, OP, you are my mum when I was just a little bit older than your daughter. My bf was allowed round but convinced me my parents were awful to him and I sided with him. It was an awful time for me and my mum, but she grey rocked my accusations about her behaviour to him and just kept generally pointing out the poor treatment. I did know, really deep down she was right and it took me a while for there to be a final point and we did break up for good after about 18 months. I was sad and embarrassed, and felt terrible telling my mum (and as a teenager admitting she was right) but she was there for me and some she. I needed her.

I think you just need to be the adult for her, be gentle, make it clear when he isn’t treating her well, but support her with no pressure to figure it out for herself and makes ire she knows you won’t hold it against her and she can still talk to you about it.

Difficult one.

If he’s not allowed round, will she end up going to his or going somewhere outside the home instead? That would provide opportunity for him to treat her badly too.

In your shoes I wouldn’t want to hear that kind of thing either but I’m not sure it’s better that he says it somewhere that’s not in your home.

Can you sign her up at weekends to things she loves. Restrict her free time with stuff she wants to do.

I don't really understand the concept of having a boyfriend at 14. When dd was 14 she had drama once a week, singing class once a week, we had a family dinner on Fridays at a local sports club. Plus there was always 90 mins of homework. Neither our DC nor their friends were socialising Sunday through Thursday - they were focused on school work and school related activities. There might have been parties/cinema/bowling on Fridays/Saturdays and they were dropped off and collected.

@RosesAndHellebores that sounds great for your child but surely you can imagine teenagers with lives that include some autonomy ? My 12 year old goes our and about with friends regularly it's perfectly normal at that age

Hm I see why you've said this as you are right but it does risk pushing her towards him- he could start feeding her lines like 'your parents are horrible' etc.

That was an admirable set up, BUT you are being extremely unrealistic in terms of what most teenagers want to do/can be encouraged to do.

I disagree. It is the parents' responsibility to ensure their lives are filled with age appropriate activity. Fortunately our DC went to schools where academic achievement was held in high regard. Our DC did:

Music
Drama
Dance
Tennis
Rugby
Football
Cricket

They'd have had two practices a week, probably a midweek match or concert and Saturday morning classes and matches.

Neither they nor their friends went out after school except perhaps to a pre-arranged occasion. It was accepted by all that school was the week day priority.

Well some teens rebel against that sort of life. Two friends had dds doing similar to this then they both frankly veered off the rails through no fault of the parents.

Braves mum sounds great I would do that.

My response would be different if your DD was 16 or older but I think absolutely you’re doing the right thing. You are showing your daughter boundaries and what is acceptable behaviour in a relationship and your house.

If she keeps wanting to invite him over just keep saying calmly that you don’t like the way he speaks to her and it is not appropriate from someone she is close to. She doesn’t have to like your decision but she needs to respect it as you think it is in her best interest. Try not be drawn into an argument and offer her fun things to do with yourself and her friends while keeping the boyfriend firmly in the background.