Hi op, mother of young adult dds here. I hear you! It is hard drawing boundaries as a parent nowadays as you need to work out in your own mind how you really feel about certain issues that can be quite confronting,
maybe discuss with other friends who are parents, and have the confidence to stick to your own values and opinions as peer pressure can be very powerful. So the sooner you have the conversations with your dd the better.
Remember you are her parent, not her friend, but also the conversations need to be two way and honest and open.
You definitely need to have that conversation!
I would take your dd on a drive or go out on a walk and be calm and factual. Talk about the basic facts, say you realise it’s very early days yet, but that you want to go over issues of consent, talk about boundaries and generally get across the message that you think fourteen is too young to have sex and also it’s illegal. Also talk about mutual respect and kindness.
Also discuss the issue of internet safety and remind her about not taking, sending or posting inappropriate photos or anything she wouldn’t want to see appearing on a poster in the school hall.
At this point she may be cringing out of embarrassment and wanting to shut the conversation down.
So that is when you say that you love her so much and think she is such a great person that you want her to always
be safe and not do anything that could potentially have harmful consequences to her body, her general
emotional wellbeing or her academic future.
And generally I would encourage her to keep a busy schedule, play sport, develop strong female friendships and focus on her studies.
Personally, at that age, I would be saying that you are fine with things the way they are with him visiting once or twice a week in a public room in your house but I would be definitely asking about the arrangements at his house and indeed whether one of his parents is at home or not after school.
Above all, I would be making sure that the lines of communication between you and your daughter are kept open. And emphasise that you are happy to answer any questions or talk about anything she likes at any time of the day or night, even if it’s by text if she feels uncomfortable asking face to face. Also arrange a safe word or phrase to say if she ever needs rescuing.
And keep revisiting this topic in an age appropriate manner. For example, I had to steel myself to talk about porn and the effect that it can have on men and the potential consequences for women; topics such as strangling and hitting and anal sex etc but I didn’t do that at fourteen. It was really not a conversation I wanted to have at all but it’s necessary nowadays. You know your daughter best and I think you will know when roughly she is ready to learn about and discuss certain issues.
Good luck!