Sensitive: weight gain in 11yo boy

[ChinaVase]

i have NCed for this.

the short story is: my 11 yo just started Y7. He is putting on weight and I’m worried that he is developing bad habits that will hurt him down the line. But both me and my partner have a history of disordered eating so I don’t know if I’m over reacting

long story is: 11 yo ds is happy and doing well. At the same time, his routine had changed massively: no more running around at break time, the food at secondary is much less healthy (smoothie and doughnuts at break time, pizza and chips for lunch), and he walks home from school via the shop where he buys himself snacks. He has also grown out of his extra curricular sports clubs - he’s never been sporty but I used to take him to football and judo once a week. They they both stop at 11 and there seem to be no options for older kids who are not at a competitive team sport level.

my issue is that he is gaining weight and sleeping badly. His weight is still in normal range for now and I am certainly not going to mention it. But the sleep is a big problem, and when he’s tired he also takes the bus rather than walks to school, craves sugary food, etc.

here is my issue: I had crippling and very serious eating disorders from the age of 11 (his age) until my late 20s. I am of course petrified that the same could happen to him. I am not sure if I am doing the right things and would really appreciate some advice.

here is what I am doing:

• trying to gently introduce more exercise eg playing football together on the weekend, doing some trampolining together in the evenings
• giving him healthy snacks as an alternative to sugary ones he can buy at school
• making sure his evening meal is nutritious and filling
• talking to him about the amount he is spending on after school snacks and suggesting he tries to stick to a weekly budget
• suggesting he chooses one sugary snack a day, rather than having them all day every day
• focusing always on avoiding sugar in order to sleep better (never mentioning weight)

does his sound too much? Too little? Yesterday we went out to see a friend in a cafe and I suggested he didn’t get a sugary snack. He got really upset and dh ended up buying him a lemonade and a bowl of chips! Followed by a pizza for dinner.

for context, I would say dh also has disordered eating (although he wouldn’t admit it) - he’s very into ‘clean eating’ and goes to the gym at least 2 hrs a day

Also to add - when I saw him upset because I said he should avoid sugar I remembered how it felt when I was his age and my mum called me fat. I know the power and damage of a parent’s words and don’t want to hurt him.

Avoid sugar for the sake of his teeth might be more palatable than around sleep - so sweet things once per day is safer tha all day...

Peer pressure is tough though!

There's some sports that tend to start later, fencing if that's available in your area, there's probably recreational tennis around too but the learning curve there is quite frustrating

This is hard, OP - but I think your history is making you worry more than you need to. It is very normal for children to begin to eat this way when they start secondary school (I know I did at first, the lure of the canteen in year 7 was overwhelming!) but I mostly pulled myself together by year 8 when I was used to it more. I do think finding ways to exercise that he enjoys is important, though - I wish my parents tried a bit harder to help me figure that out in my teens rather than me going into my 20s not really having a clue and only exercising to punish myself for eating a big meal (diet culture was so toxic back then, wasn't it?).

I'm no expert. But I'd focus on the top3 of your bullet points for now.
And ask him if he can make a simple salad starter each night as his chore now he's getting older.
The peer pressure is so strong in year 7. They just want to fit in. And their social time is often focussed on food- break time, co-op and costa. Being lovely and not having friends is not an issue you want to swap for at this point.
So, keep an eye on it but do go gentle.

*Lonely not lovely

On the canteen side, can you make it worth his while to bring a snacks rather than buying them - he has a budget for the week and he gets whatever is left over as savings for something he wants?

this is a really good sense check, thank you. I think I will focus on the fun exercise part and try to worry less about the diet.

I mean, I can make the snacks thing about pocket money/ teeth rather than sugary things and that should hopefully help

im so aware of the risk of turning to food for comfort

My DD3 (12) is also overweight. It's not something I experienced with the elder two.

I've put her on packed lunches now as the secondary school choices, as you say, are quite unhealthy and I got her a thermos food flask, so she can have a hot lunch if she wants. I also batch cook from the Pinch of Nom recipe books for dinners and lunches - so there's always a range of healthy food in the freezer.

We've recently got a puppy (not that this is a suggestion 😂) so she's starting to enjoy walking him in the evening.

I think the things you are doing already is a great way to help and enough. Remember when you have major changes in life, like joining a new school and going to secondary it's normal to slip diet wise until your settled and find routine. He's probably just overwhelmed by all of the options available and the ability to go and get himself snacks after school ect. He's still young I'm sure it'll be fine as long as this doesn't continue for years! Try and be more disciplined with his eating and exercise in the week and let him enjoy a treat or 2 on the weekend like most children do. This could also go the wrong way and develop an eating disorder if you're pushy on what he eats too much..it'll be okay mama!! Xx

This happened to DS in Yr7, for pretty much the same reasons, I didn't make a big deal about it but just didn't have any unhealthy snacks in the house. Yes he could get a junky lunch at school, and he had a small amount to spend in shops (although I limited this too) and it evened itself out. Now in Y9 he self regulates much better and the problem has gone away.

I think it's the excitement of being able to have a burger for your lunch and sweets on the way home when you never could at primary. The novelty does wear off!

It’s really good to hear that this is relatively normal behaviour. It’s understandable isn’t it - to suddenly have freedom and access to endless treats! Of course you’re going to indulge …

@ChinaVase - completely normal. I had to contact the school office with DD1 and ask them to put a limit on her account as she was spending up to £7 a day on food at school.

I agree a daily/weekly limit for food at school and corner shop, supplemented with healthier options from home. Cut down on sweets/chocs in the house for a while and try up the healthy dinners and breakfasts.

Playing football together is great and even getting out for walks. Is there a charity close to your hearts? You could work towards a sponsored walk/run for a cause and do it as a family.

I started gaining around 11/12 also, it should even out in the end. Especially with boys as they get much taller!

I think this is a common problem. They suddenly have more control over what they can eat and when and often get carried away. Can you cap his spending...our schools let you cap the amount spent per day.

My son got very chubby around that age to the extent that I really worried about it. And so did did few others in his class. But as secondary went on and he grew it seemed to sort itself out without major intervention other than the fairly simple ones of eating healthy dinners, providing reasonably healthy packed lunches and limiting the junk to the extent that I could. He is now 17 and in good shape, as are most of the boys who were similar to him. But believe me, I understand the worry.

I think in year 7 kids tend to get a massive growth spurt. So if he's still normal weight still then I would try not to worry. Maybe he's hungry as he's building up for that growth spurt.