12 year old daughter difficulties

[LaylaSun77]

My ex husband and I have 2 children together DD 12 and DS 9. My DD and I were always very close. DD was always a people pleaser, a gentle, kind and loving girl. My ex was very controlling and manipulative, he has taken me to court to try to get more time with the children a number of times He tells them how much he loves and misses them regularly. Since the day and hour we separated he has been resentful towards me for ending the relationship. He never allowed me to speak to the children when he has them, even if it breaches the court order. He has told the children bad things about me and effectively tries to turn them against me and isolate me from their lives when he has them. He has shared legal correspondence which is entirely inappropriate. I have always tried to shield them from difficulties.

I have a new partner now - we have been together a number of years and we have a toddler. life can be a little stressful. I have a busy job and my partner has been ill and there have been a number of stressors in my life. My ex behaviour being a major one.

I have tried my best to do all I can for the children and give them a normal and stable life. But in recent years/ months my DD has become very close to her father. I was shocked by recent revelations that she told me she is happier with her daddy and I have read some very hurtful texts to him on her phone about me. I am really upset and shocked. It is the most deeply hurtful thing I have ever experienced. Does anyone have any advice ? I didn’t see this coming. I love my daughter more than words can say. I know I haven’t been perfect and I would be a bit stressed out at times and I think he has used this against me and convinced her I am a bad mum. I don’t know where to turn. I feel that The bond I have with my DD that I love so much is slipping away from me. If anyone has been through this or has any advice please share.

Sorry OP. No advice but huge sympathies as I’m in a similar position.

For 12yrs he had the DCs EOW. And that’s all he wanted. He moved closer a few weeks ago and DCs 1 and 2 have decided to live with him.

I guess they need to have that experience with him but after 12yrs doing it on my own it does feel a bit hurtful.

Thank you for sharing I guess these things are to be expected. Must be very hurtful for you indeed. I hope you are ok. Have you got support around you and someone to talk to? Maybe it’s something they all go through and they will come back. I suppose we have to stay strong and let them know we will always be here for them no matter what. Very difficult situation. How many DC do you have?

my ex had them when it suited him only at first and then it became greater. Now he has a huge amount of control but I am still the one who does most of the hard work. Because I’m the one that enforces boundaries such as homework etc I get tarnished as the bad one.

perhaps your DCs think he is a novelty having not spent a lot of time with him over the years. I would expect the novelty to wear off after a short while and they will come back to you. Big hugs and I feel for you

Does she get all his attention or more freedom when she's at his house? No other partner or toddlers there?

She's 12 and sounds like life is very stressful in your house, she probably does feel happier when she's got quiet and less stress at her dad's.

@LaylaSun77 I have three DCs (18, 14 and 12).

Thankfully I do have real-life support, I hope you do too. My DP is incredibly supportive.

I hear you about boundaries. He's spent years undermining mine from afar.

Very glad to hear that. I do too. It’s the kids I feel most sorry for. He doesn’t realise how damaging it is to turn them against their mum.

I was the same at her age but it didn't last because it was build on sand. Ultimately, the parent who refrains from criticising the other and has good 'normal' boundaries (curfews, bedtimes, healthy eating, being generally responsible) is a steadier influence than a Disney parent.

She might feel that her Dad's love is conditional on her saying or doing certain things.

I'd advise being stable and steady but don't avoid issues. Discuss what was said about you in those messages in a calm and reasonable way.

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay

No other partner or toddlers there?

• I thought the same.

Yes, I also had to deal with much younger siblings being born during my early teens and I wasn't very tolerant of toddler tantrums! Babies and toddlers are cute/funny/naughty - whatever they are doing attracts attention and teens can easily be overlooked in this scenario. Sometimes that's good (I was allowed and encouraged to be independent because my parents had other kids to look after so they certainly weren't micromanaging me) and sometimes it's not good (there were entire years where I barely spent any 1:1 time with my parents).

@LaylaSun77 "He doesn’t realise how damaging it is to turn them against their mum."

I wonder whether they see it in terms of themselves 'winning' rather than what's best for the DCs.