What goes through their heads when rude?

[HollyIvy89]

Trying a different tact in posting age old topic

but what do you think is going through the teens head when they are being incredibly rude, disrespectful, using language directed at parent / sibling and just being very nasty about anything they don’t like or doesn’t go their way in the home?
What is actually going through their head ? Do they actually truly believe they are right/ justified / going to solve it in this manner?

Probably in the moment and in a bit of anger, yes. Like most people honestly. But if they have genuinely acted unfairly, later they will think over it and realise and feel guilty.

I have done some training on teen brain development as part of cpd in the past.

Forgive me - it’s been a while and I will probably explain this poorly. The brain re-maps during adolescence, which is what leads to a lot of the poor communication etc.

The last part to sort itself out is the bit that’s to do with forward planning and consequences of actions. It simply doesn’t occur to them what the consequences will be. They aren’t thinking in those terms.

This isn’t an excuse, obviously some more than others etc., but it can certainly explain some things when they’ve done something really stupid.

It’s interesting how incredibly horrible they can be but still need you for giving lifts or dinner or something. My problem is my kid does not seem to be reflecting anymore and thinking about her actions or words. I think she thinks she’s got the upper hand some how and is getting more and more arrogant with it daily. I am just not sure what’s going on in the brain.

I think they just get extremely irritated and frustrated with us. I remember feeling like everything my parents did was incredibly annoying.

I found this very helpful. https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0014gnc

i remember feeling very hurt as a teen and wanting to lash out because I didn’t know any other way

The answer is - exactly nothing

I think this is exactly what makes them so angry and frustrated! They have grown up and realise that their parents aren’t perfect and have faults, their parents are probably really annoying them (my parents would irritate me if I had to live with them!) and yet infuriatingly for them they still need their parents for things like lifts/money etc.

It's biology.

Hormones and the brain hasn't finished developing. Risk taking and testing boundaries in a safe space. Basic teenager stuff.

I think the answer is “nothing”. It’s just their emotions talking, not their brain. 99% of the time it’s not personal.

not to say that I tolerated it though.

I actually remember doing this and feeling angry, frustrated and words literally just coming out as they came into my head. I think I knew as I was saying them that it was wrong and I didn’t actually mean it to the extent I was saying but genuinely couldn’t help it. Like word vomit 😂

Come on! Does no one remember being a teenager?! I do, and i am nearly 60!

I can clearly re call how my mind was thinking back then.

I think the transition from growing up into your own person but still feeling a bit controlled because you’re not actually in control has a big part to play. You feel old enough to make decisions but you can’t so it’s frustrating. Along with hormones the whole world feels annoying at that age!

What age are we talking a bout.A 13 year old and a 19 year old ha e very little in common

I don’t think anything goes through their heads unfortunately. The mouth is directly connected to the teen brain I think so whatever the brain is thinking/feeling comes out. Filters develop later on 😬

I'm 47.

My kids are 24 now.

I still have moments where I get very angry and upset with people (not my kids, random people or my parents or my friends) and I want to be horrible to them.

I've just learnt to walk away and shout at them on my own in the privacy of my own bedroom.

I think it's part and parcel of how the teenage brain is functioning and changing. Lack of impulse control means they often speak before they think.

When my dd is rude I just say 'did you mean to be so rude?'. 99% of the time she will say 'no', sometimes in a rude and sometimes she'll say 'sorry'. My dd is quite a sensitive soul and can get very upset when she's realised she's been rude. We try not to dwell on, accept the apology and move on.

I really wish the brain would hurry then and develop as she’s 16 and the verbal abuse I get every time I speak is on another level. Its difficult not to take it personally.

I remember just being incredibly annoyed at my mother all the time.

My teenage brain was saying 'why are you getting at me? Why can't you just leave me alone? Nothing I do is ever good enough for you. I hate your values and everything that you think is important. I can't wait to get out of this house and away from you.'

I hated being a teenager, was miserable all the time and just wanted to be someone else, somewhere else.

I try and remember this when my own children are giving me 'that look' which says they want me to leave them alone.

Sorry, but. Boundaries.

You can be crystal clear with them that you sympathise with how they’re feeling, and that it can be frustrating and confining being a teenager, but that under no circumstances are you going to be abused in your own home.

Regardless of how we’re feeling, we are always polite.

I absolutely could have written the same, my son is so rude! One minute he's not talking to me the next he's sending me a link for a pair of trainers he wants. It's got to a point where I prefer no conversation, which is so sad. I'm hoping it will pass soon and he can be a nice person again. My patience is running out though

I am sure there is not nothing go on in their brains. There is a whole jumbled mess going on I expect and you are getting the brunt of it. I wouldn't be a teen now if you paid me. It was hard enough back in the day. That's not to say she can treat you like an emotional punch bag though.

Yes they’re probably frustrated and at times unhappy and parents are the nearest outlet. However being abusive is unacceptable and needs to be called on. If they’re able to be reasonably polite to friends they can manage to be polite to parents.

I remember being really angry about being asked how my day had gone each day after school, I want to punch you angry.

I had a similar feeling when my dad used to ask me what I was doing today. He aaked when he dropped me at school. I used to think 'school you fucking idiot'

In hindsight he did shift work and would do things like stay awake after a night shift to take me in if it was raining and it was probably not unreasonable for me to tell him which lessons I had.