How do you manage the constant worrying…

[Decisionsdecisions1]

After a sleepless night (nothing like the 3am worries) please someone tell me how you manage the constant fretting.

I don’t even have that much to worry about yet - dd goes to school, (year 8), has friends (I think), teachers like her etc.

I really worry about her

• feeling excluded - she isn’t in the ‘girls who play football’ or the ‘dance girls’ or the gymnastic girls’ groups. Those girls have all been doing this for years. By the time dd tried in year 7 she didn’t get through any of the trials, (Note to schools, please try to include all kids, not just the ones who are already good at things). She does a couple of things outside school and will hopefully continue.

• she doesn’t have a bestie ( hate that term) and whilst as an adult I can see that shouldn’t be an issue, the girls seem to be obsessed with it.

• She gets invited to parties etc at the moment but I can see she’s on the fringes of groups. Once the groups get smaller I worry she won’t be included.

• I think she’s starting to worry about the way she looks. Most of her friends haven’t yet started their periods (dd started at 9) and all are taller than her. Most are stick thin (in that normal ‘pre puberty still growing’ way). But dd has a proper curves figure. Her BMI is fine (we have to check her weight/height for riding) but she’s comparing herself.

• Boys - now girls have started having (innocent) boyfriends dd has made comments about how she’ll be the last girl anyone would choose.

We try to take her mind off things - activities, days out etc. Dd knows she can invite friends over (she rarely does but does occasionally meet friends for cinema etc). She is making an effort to go out but I worry she’s unhappy.

I just think we’re fighting a losing battle. With phones they can constantly see who is meeting who and what a great time they’re having, who is in a WhatsApp group with who etc. There’s a tendency to gravitate towards whoever is popular and drift away fro anyone who isn’t.
Shes naturally quite reserved and won’t open up to us so I can’t force her. She gets embarrassed if I try to talk to her about it and just says nothings wrong.

So am backing off but the worry…..I want to believe it gets better but haven’t known two 19 yr olds who recently dropped out of Uni due to friends issues/loneliness I’m wondering if this is where it’s heading…

Argh that’s long sorry.

Honestly, and in the nicest possible way, be around and available at bed time and find something else to focus on. New hobby, study, job. Anything that stops you fixating on your kids life because all of the above are her problems to worry about as long as she is cared for, fed, clothed, and you are around to talk to sometimes. Buckle up but that is all you can do.

Well mine both got through it all, perfectly happy and starting new terms at university… and guess what? My worrying did precisely nothing to get them there

I don’t want to add to your worries … but do you think she might be picking up on your anxieties about her? You mention she might be worrying about her looks.

Can you try to model a healthier attitude and help her navigate life in a more carefree way?

I do believe it’s possible to exercise self-control around worry- although I know it doesn’t come easy for everyone.

Thanks all.

I think a lot of it is just guilt - worrying that between work, exercise, seeing friends etc whether Dp and I should be doing more,
One or both of us is usually around for and available at bedtimes and we try to have dinner all together as much as work allows.

I should stop reading all the stuff about the mental health/anxiety etc crisis in teens too I think.

I think you are overthinking and catastrophising here OP. Lots of what you have said is you worry when .... you wonder if .... etc etc. And many of these things are your thoughts and feelings, not facts and probably will never happen.
Worry robs you of being happy. I also wonder if your DD is picking up on your anxieties?
Your post reminds me a lot of my DD when she was at secondary school - she too was on the fringes of groups, no bf while at school, no bestie. She found an after school club that she fell in love with and I do feel that this helped her with confidence, friendship and made her happy too. She made a large group of friends away from school in this groups and I think this is a really healthy thing to do. She tried quite a few groups before she found the one!
Could you try your DD with groups til she finds something that fits?
Just to say that DD went to uni, stayed in a house share with other girls she didn't know but made friends for life and is now a very happy young adult with a long term bf and lots of friends. For some children it just takes a little longer.
I also agree with other pps saying for you to try to be less involved, keep yourself busy and active in other things so you don't obsess so much about your DD. Remember too to focus on facts not thoughts and feelings before you start thinking the worst.

Thanks lights, that’s really good advice.

Clubs outside of school that give them an escape are good.

Dd (15) has always been on the edge of groups but goes to a very creative, non performance focused drama club which has been great for her confidence and also rangers. Both have active WhatsApp chats and very little crossover with school groups which is helpful.

We've had chats about shyness, having different friendship groups and how you can't make people change, you can only change yourself.

She's really looking forward to college, as she thinks (and I think she's right) that she'll find friends closer to her interests. I think about it sometimes, but I try not to worry and just to be reassuring.

It is a worry, and I am on my 3rd teen (boys way easier than girls btw)... I've had a range of teen dramas over the years... Honestly DD1 is enough to make anyone have a nervous breakdown but...

I really worry about her

• feeling excluded - she isn’t in the ‘girls who play football’ or the ‘dance girls’ or the gymnastic girls’ groups. Those girls have all been doing this for years. By the time dd tried in year 7 she didn’t get through any of the trials, (Note to schools, please try to include all kids, not just the ones who are already good at things). She does a couple of things outside school and will hopefully continue.

Honestly the groups of girls doing activities and sticking together doesn't often last... at the moment they're all still a bit cliquey because they're young and insecure- despite bravado. After a while they make friends in other classes and realise (slowly) that the popular groups are actually not the most desirable groups to be in.

• she doesn’t have a bestie ( hate that term) and whilst as an adult I can see that shouldn’t be an issue, the girls seem to be obsessed with it.

Much better to have a mixture of friends. DD15 has a best friend who is her boyfriend, and a few good mates. I used to worry about this too, but my girl is picky.

• She gets invited to parties etc at the moment but I can see she’s on the fringes of groups. Once the groups get smaller I worry she won’t be included.

Much safer to be on the fringes... the stories you will hear of some of these popular kids in the future!!!

• I think she’s starting to worry about the way she looks. Most of her friends haven’t yet started their periods (dd started at 9) and all are taller than her. Most are stick thin (in that normal ‘pre puberty still growing’ way). But dd has a proper curves figure. Her BMI is fine (we have to check her weight/height for riding) but she’s comparing herself.

Only talk positively about your body, and hope she will do the same. Please don't let this be a thing. They often go through weight gain at this age anyway.

• Boys - now girls have started having (innocent) boyfriends dd has made comments about how she’ll be the last girl anyone would choose.

Encourage her to laugh it off, bleurgh there's no fit boys in your year anyway!

And without a shadow of a doubt I would say Year 9/10 the girls got easier... and a bit nicer too.
Good luck OP. I'm somewhere between GCSEs and teen drinking stages I think... she says she's never going to drink alcohol... I'm ready to buckle up!

Thanks all, feel very reassured 🙏

Honestly you need to leave her to her life. She’s becoming an adult. Make yourself available to talk if she wants to. But it’s a bit excessive how much you are invested in her life; and inevitably your anxiety will be having a negative effect on her. Try and have a bit of perspective

Chill... let her get on with it. Hopefully she'll tell you if she's got a problem (but she won't tell you if you get highly anxious and worried about it all as she'll withdraw from your reaction. You need to be the safe haven)