Hello op
I work with porn and sex addicts as well as betrayed partners.
Everyone one of them wished they had an informed parent like you at that age.
Well done on not shaming him. That is so very important.
I'd take the computer out of his room put it in a communal space.
You're going to have to get techy and shut down access on all devices in your home. Playstations nintendo switches phones. Smart TVs can be tricky but most have pins. With phones you can put a parental block completely on then and only by ringing them up will they take it off. You've got some good advice re the techy side so I'll concentrate on the other elements. It's easier to not have full access in the first place than it is taking things away. So things like a VR headset I just wouldn't even get.
Where is his dad in all this? If he is about Is he on board and willing to have all the same blocks on his devices. Typically your son will be learning directly (but not exclusively) from him so he needs to see his dad taking the lead in his own life against pornography and objectifying women. Also displaying healthy coping mechanisms and empathy particularly.
Promoting healthy coping mechanisms is vital. Learning to deal with negative feelings and sitting in the uncomfortable and processing feelings, events,trauma is so very vital.
Talking about loneliness, boredom stress, anxiety and what we do in those moments is key. This is a whole family journey not just him. You will all need to be following healthy coping mechanisms and displaying that. If you feel anxious do you distract look at your phone tv movies playstation or do you do yoga a walk music journal about it talk about physical exercise. A outside of school hobby I would always reccomend particularly group based. It gives the opportunity for friends outside of school if school gets difficult.
Environment plays a big part in how children grow up as they don't have the agency to change their environment themselves. Even given all the skills and counselling in the world unless the environment also changes statistically they are always at a disadvantage and vunerable to things like addiction.
Science and neurology is the way to go. Unfortunately the empathy for women in the porn industry is never the penny drop moment for any (to date) of the boys and men I have counselled. Typically for boys particularly they haven't developed enough empathy if at all in some cases around 12 years old. It just isn't expected or promoted in our society that they greatly need to develop much emotional intelligence at all.
Pornography actually changes the brain. It stunts emotional development. So when I counsel a 64 year old man they haven't developed any empathy at all. They have to learn it. It's a lot harder at that age.
So the route we go down first to peak interest as many don't see the need to change other than trying to save their relationships or not wanting to feel numb anymore. Is all about science of the brain. How it lights up the same as a Brian on cocaine does when watching pornography. How the porn industry is very manipulating how ultimately it takes away your authentic sexual tastes and drive. Motivation for real life and real connections. We talk about dopamine. How dopamine works in the body and where screens can disrupt our natural bodies receptors. How when we watch pornography and masturbate we are creating neural pathways in our brain. More powerful and addictjve than just scrolling social media (and how much do we find ourselves auto piloting doing that! ) add in orgasm and dopamine oxytocin chemicals we are training our brain to bond to pornography. Our brains are very clever but stupid and simple in many ways. It can't tell the difference between sex with pornography or a person. Pornography is designed to be addictive dopamine will chase the new and novel to get the original high of the first time. Therefore you can lead yourself to illegal pornography or pornography outside your authentic sexual arousal template. Just to seek the high.
Real life becomes gray and boring. Its so easy to then access an instant high when feeling bored or lonely. It's very easy to see how habitual porn and masturbation can then turn into addiction very quickly. We talk about the consequences of porn induced erectile dysfunction how the brain then needs to detox completely because the neural pathways have actually been fried.
Pornography actually makes anxiety worse particularly social anxiety lots of shame and stigma is involved. Ironically in our very sexualised culture.
We talk about toxic masculinity and what healthy masculinity looks like. Enthusiastic Consent we talk about.
I have to go to work now but I may be back later to add more.
Well done op this isn't easy stuff at all. But so very very necessary.
I am also raising 3 boys and as shocking as it sounds my husband and I discuss how we are potentially raising 3 porn/sex addicts potential rapists incels abusers ... unless we help them navigate the world.