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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

This is inappropriate right?

24 replies

Firstshoes · 29/09/2024 09:00

DD 18 soon to turn 19 is seeing a nearly 30 year old man. He has past broken relationships with kids he doesn't see and was banned from driving. She drives and is ferrying him around all over the place. We are so worried about this as she is a straight A student and heading to Uni next year. She tells us how lovely he is to her and wants us to accept it. Do you think this is an inappropriate age gap at the age they are? Maybe not bad when they are older but she is just starting out in life and is quite innocent for her age.

OP posts:
ElizabethVonArnim · 29/09/2024 10:00

Yes and no - as an older adult you can see the disparity but as a late teen all you can see in the age gap is a guy who looks like a youngish man who is nice to you and pays attention. It doesn't feel like an age gap from the younger end at that point in the relationship - you're not asking him for anything at that point so he's probably doing really well as a boyfriend from her point of view.

It will be really hard for your DD to take your views on board as it won't match her experiences. You might have to stay calm and wait it out.

Treeoflife21 · 29/09/2024 10:15

I get your worries about his relationship etc though maybe wait and see where it goes. It may fade or not. I was 19 when I met my 28 yr old boyfriend. My mum was worried but I can assure I had no intention of marriage, kids, engagement for a very long time. Didn’t happen until I was 30 and we’ve been married 20 years. Obviously at 18 she’s going to do her own thing anyway so all I can offer is be there for her either way xx

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 29/09/2024 10:21

When my daughter started working she was 20/almost 21.

She'd recently split up with someone who she had been seeing for a couple of years. After her first day, I'd asked her if there was anyone gorgeous in her office. She'd said no but there was a lovely man who she'd seen in the kitchen area.

They started dating about a month later.

They both thought that the other was around 27 years of age. Grin

After they'd dated for several months he found out it was DD's 21st birthday as colleagues had decorated the office. He then told her he was 35 and he'd understand if she wanted to back off.

Eight years later they're married with three children.

We don't see an age gap.

notatinydancer · 29/09/2024 10:23

I'd be more worried about the fact he doesn't see his kids and is banned from driving.

Original poster
Firstshoes · 29/09/2024 10:24

Thank you. We are very worried but know in reality there's nothing we can do. We have met him briefly but he didn't make much of an effort to speak with us. He's a big muscly guy and the size difference between them doesn't help! I have spoken to her at length about being careful and warning signs. He just has so many red flags in my opinion. It is her first relationship too so she is very innocent. She does talk to me about mostly everything so I am being so careful not to push her away. Parenting was so much easier when they were little!

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 29/09/2024 10:30

Even if you gave him benefit of doubt for trail of broken carnage behind him (and don’t, because it’s your young daughter), he was banned from driving - wtf. He sounds like an arse. Not going to be a good ‘older man’ influence is he.

Original poster
Firstshoes · 29/09/2024 10:30

It's nice to hear the positive stories. Yes it is the driving thing and kids which is worrying us the most. There are 2 kids from different relationships. The driving ban was to do with speeding apparently

OP posts:
BiscuitlyBoyle · 29/09/2024 10:39

Firstshoes · 29/09/2024 10:30

It's nice to hear the positive stories. Yes it is the driving thing and kids which is worrying us the most. There are 2 kids from different relationships. The driving ban was to do with speeding apparently

He must have been going a good way over the limit to get a ban from speeding. This wasn’t from going 34 in a 30.

It’s hard, you can’t tell her he’s dreadful but make it very clear that she will always have a home with you no matter what. Make sure he doesn’t prevent her from talking to you and be there to pick up the pieces when she realises.

MermaidEyes · 29/09/2024 10:46

I get it, he doesn't sound like the greatest catch. All you can do is be there and really support her and be enthusiastic about her going to uni. If she's moving away from home the relationship is unlikely to last. A huge percentage of relationships break down within the first term of university.

Mmhmmn · 29/09/2024 10:48

He must have been going some to get banned and not just points or educational course. Either that or it’s a cumulative thing or he was drinking.

The fact he wasn’t very friendly / normal towards you, her family, at the age of 30 is a red flag 🚩. He might try to isolate her if he’s not comfortable with the fact she has family.

Not sure how it works or who it is available to, but maybe look into a police disclosure under Clare’s Law if you become worried about his character. (I think it just covers DV history)

Do you have family anywhere you could suggest visiting for a little break away with just her? Obviously at her age she won’t want to be parent-rescued but like you say, she’s young and quite innocent.

What's the situation with her friends? Does she have other things going on outside of him?

lljkk · 29/09/2024 11:04

The only thing you can do is talk to her about what she wants, ask her what she thinks she should have in a relationship, listen to what she says in developping those ideals (young people are great at being idealistic !) and tell her that she deserves a great partner who supports her and helps her to have a good life. Occasionally invite her to agree that no one is obliged to stay with a partner who makes them unhappy. Make sure it's clear in her mind what she wants & what she deserves in a relationship. Let her figure out for herself if this chap is able to fit in that picture.

crenellations · 29/09/2024 11:07

Has he been honest about what caused the driving ban, to her at least?
Definitely red flags with that one.

SlothOnARope · 29/09/2024 11:19

I'd be quietly freaking out, OP. His CV screams irresponsible waster.

He's being "lovely" to her because she's a free taxi service and is too young to know better.

At the very least, find out how long the driving ban is for and what caused it. At best it was disqualification after multiple points offences, but high chance something else dodgy going on.

How does he fund his lifestyle?

CJsGoldfish · 29/09/2024 11:21

It is her first relationship too so she is very innocent
This is probably a factor which isn't reassuring I know but I'm sure he knows exactly what he's doing 😢
There really is no reason for a normal 30yr old man to want to date a teenager. Although there isn't anything you can do about the relationship, keep empowering your daughter to know her own value and her own strengths. Don't criticise him, she needs to figure out herself that she deserves more than a 30 yr old man with a couple of kids he doesn't see who also doesn't drive. Empowerment is key. And effective contraception hopefully.

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 29/09/2024 11:23

Is it possible she sees him as her “bad boy” fling? She may well be going into it with her eyes open.

TemuSpecialBuy · 29/09/2024 11:24

I would hate this.

No god advice beyond this….
while I don’t like the coil or implant particularly I’d be strongly encouraging one of these to ensure the arsehole doesn’t get her pregnant

Is her uni far away? I wouldn’t encourage her to be coming home I’d also offer to pay her membership for any /all student union clubs she wants to join

EnjoythemoneyJane · 29/09/2024 11:28

A 30 year old bloke who is so feckless and irresponsible that he has a driving ban and two abandoned kids with different mothers, and so predatory that he’d pursue a relationship with an inexperienced and ‘quite innocent’ teenager he then expects to chauffeur him around? The age gap is the least of your worries, OP, although the power imbalance (exacerbated by his intimidating physique) is a huge red flag for potential coercion.

Not sure what you can realistically do about it, though - it’s tricky because you don’t want your actions to put her on the defensive and push her further into it, but at the same time you’re absolutely not obliged to give it your blessing. I’d concentrate on keeping her on track for uni (wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to derail her plans if the relationship sticks). She’s starry eyed at the moment, but living away from home and having fun with people her own age may open her eyes to better options and possibilities.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/09/2024 11:28

As you are well aware, if you criticise him it may push her away.
Go the other way, invite him over frequently, let her see him show himself up ( which he will) in front of her family.
You could ask her if she knows why he doesn’t see his kids, how he got the driving ban, how much he pays towards her petrol. You don’t need to comment on the answers. Your point will be made and she will start thinking about it even if she doesn’t do anything about it.
Is her father at home? Are there adult men in her life who are responsible, decent people? Can you lead her to draw comparisons?

Original poster
Firstshoes · 29/09/2024 11:28

Mmhmmn · 29/09/2024 10:48

He must have been going some to get banned and not just points or educational course. Either that or it’s a cumulative thing or he was drinking.

The fact he wasn’t very friendly / normal towards you, her family, at the age of 30 is a red flag 🚩. He might try to isolate her if he’s not comfortable with the fact she has family.

Not sure how it works or who it is available to, but maybe look into a police disclosure under Clare’s Law if you become worried about his character. (I think it just covers DV history)

Do you have family anywhere you could suggest visiting for a little break away with just her? Obviously at her age she won’t want to be parent-rescued but like you say, she’s young and quite innocent.

What's the situation with her friends? Does she have other things going on outside of him?

Edited

She doesn't really have a friendship group as she struggled in college. She met him at her part time job and doesn't really hang around with anyone else now. We are actually going away as a family for a few days soon so I'm looking forward to that. If they split up she's back to having no real social life which makes me sad for her but also makes her more vulnerable to being used by him I think. He is not very well off financially and doesn't have a very stable job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Firstshoes · 29/09/2024 11:36

DelphiniumBlue · 29/09/2024 11:28

As you are well aware, if you criticise him it may push her away.
Go the other way, invite him over frequently, let her see him show himself up ( which he will) in front of her family.
You could ask her if she knows why he doesn’t see his kids, how he got the driving ban, how much he pays towards her petrol. You don’t need to comment on the answers. Your point will be made and she will start thinking about it even if she doesn’t do anything about it.
Is her father at home? Are there adult men in her life who are responsible, decent people? Can you lead her to draw comparisons?

I think that may be the way to go. We didn't want to encourage it by having too much to do with him but it may work in our favour.

OP posts:
Illpickthatup · 29/09/2024 11:54

I'd apply for a Claire's Law disclosure in your situation. He sounds bad enough as he is but there's possibly even more he's hiding. 2 kids to 2 different mothers and he doesn't see either of them? There's probably a reason for that. Either he can't be arsed to see his kids which isn't great is it? Or he's been stopped from seeing his kids. I know mother's can be difficult about letting their kids dad have contact but 2 mums? I know some age gap relationships turn out to be true love stories but I always think there's something iffy about a grown man chasing after a teenage. And on top of that he's using her as a taxi service because he's been irresponsible enough to lose his license. I'd be having kittens in your situation. I just hope she's on contraception.

Original poster
Firstshoes · 29/09/2024 12:11

Thank you. That's exactly how we feel about the situation. I will look into Claire's law.

OP posts:
calatheamama · 29/09/2024 12:22

Ah, I sympathise OP. When I was a similar age, I had a very similar sounding relationship 9 years older than myself who, in hindsight, was just absolutely not the one. Despite being much less competent and aspiring than me, he was controlling and the age difference impacted that.

I'm really grateful that my parents, at the time, never tried to demonise him and (at least outwardly) convince me that I should break things off. I think they were watchfully waiting and have since admitted they were uncomfortable - but if they had forced their views, I think I would have dug my heels in, tried to protect him and build up a resentment for my family. They just continued to praise all the other good things I was doing with my life and eventually I realised for myself!

Absolutely look into Claire's Law though. Sounds like there are a few sus things going on in his past... just be wary that even if anything comes up, your DD may already be aware but already have been convinced to take his side and see him as the victim/'good guy'...

BiscuitlyBoyle · 29/09/2024 13:10

I will just say though that my MIL and FIL had a ten year age gap. They were very well suited and happily married until FIL passed away. Age gap relationship can work but there are too many red flags in this one.

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