How do I help her?

[teenagemutant]

Hi everyone, was hoping for some advice/ reassurance.

My DD14 has always been painfully shy in a group setting. At home she's a bubbly, funny, chatty teenage girl etc but seems to have no confidence in herself so out on the real world I.e school, seems to struggle to make friends. She has bouts of being really moody and mean at home but I put that down to teenage hormones!

DS12 on the other hand is the opposite. Plays team sports, doesn't really care what anyone thinks of him, bit of a class clown and has a large friendship circle.

DD gets really jealous of DS and how 'popular' he is and that often comes out negatively, she makes rude comments and can be quite nasty towards him but it obviously stems from her jealousy. I think she feels lonely 😞

Over the years I've tried encouraging her to try new things/ start a hobby but she just won't. Anything I've taken her along to she's hated and refused to go back. Through primary school she only really had 1 friend who ended up not being very nice to her when they left for high school. DD seemed to make a group of friends when she first started high school but she quickly seemed to separate off with one girl and now it seems that's her only real friend. Even then through she never wants to do much with her, didn't see her all summer despite me suggesting sleepovers/ taking them shopping.

I feel bad for her and don't know how to help her. Last night she looked so sad and when I asked what was wrong she just asked why her brother had so many friends and was better than her?
I obviously explained that he isn't better than her, he's just different. Being popular isn't everything and that having 1 or 2 close friends is often better. She closed up and said she didn't care but I know she does really.

Any advice or suggestions?

I see this with my kids. I answered as honestly as I could. I think it cheered my dd up when I did. She could kind of understand it better

Yes I did that too. I did say to her that it's because he puts himself out there. If you put them both in a big group of people they didn't know; she'd go sit in a corner and stare at the floor and he'd go do a stupid dance in the middle or something to get everyone's attention. Doesn't mean he's better than her, he just approaches things differently!
We have fun together, but I think she wishes she had some proper friends rather than hanging out with her boring old mum all the time!

I had a similar issue with DD & struggling with friendships. We came to realize she is autistic so making friends was more difficult. I only mention this because we had no idea & it's really helped her to identify why she's different. She's since found people like her & it's changed massively for her within the last year. I encouraged her to join groups at school & out with school. Common interests can help gel them. For my DD it was a youth group run in the summer & a young Carers group (I'm disabled). I also encouraged in person/real life connections over online. At the time my DD was unhappy with my encouragement because she would rather game & hide away in her room. Last week she reflected on a friend's situation (friend doesn't go out) & said she appreciated me pushing her. She still hates new situations but I ask her to at least try. The latest venture is a band practice which I hope sticks!

@backawayfatty1 thank you.

I have wondered before if there's something underlying but I assumed school would have flagged if they thought it was an issue (or am I being naive?!)

Can I ask were there any other signs?

She doesn't struggle as much when socialising with adults - she just seems to struggle with her peers!

Autism has already been mentioned but regardless of whether that is an issue, there are lots of books for autistic kids on how to make friends that could be useful.

Two tips - advise her to look around the class and see who else looks isolated or lonely. And talk to them. Kids sometimes try to be friends with the popular kids but they don't need new friends. There will be other shy quiet kids and those are the ones to approach.

Second, an activity is always good. A card game (top trumps at primary) can make it much easier for two shy kids to interact.

Finding interactions with adults than peers easier can be a sign of autism.
No, school is unlikely to have flagged it up.

My DD presented with anxiety & self harming. She had been masking her whole life. But also we are very similar so I think I didn't see it because i'm also on the spectrum (revelation after DD being referred for asd assessment). With primary school DD had many emotional outbursts and they never mentioned it. Now at 15 DD talks about it openly. It was multiple times a week & I had 1 teacher mention it at 1 parents meeting. We didn't have the same issues at home. DD is very chatty, friendly, appears confident but at school DD is withdrawn/hates speaking in front of people/struggles making & retaining friends. High school meeting, referral for support with anxiety & teacher asked me if I thought there was some neurodivergency going on. When I confirmed DD & I discussed this, teacher then mentioned they could tell for years! I also thought they would surely mention it but it seems not unless the subject comes from us as parents first. My DD new before I did she was autistic. She had many friends with asd/ADHD by this point & had been researching it. For alot of girls it presents in high school. They manage very well until they don't. At the point DD was struggling in S1/2 her friends from primary dropped her. It broke my heart when she had no friends but It can get better, now DD has a good group of friends who she skates/rollerblades with. They all love music & coffee & hanging about the local IKEA 😂 We are still awaiting assessment but live our lives as a self diagnosed household.

I wish someone had mentioned asd to me much sooner.

Where my 13yo popular Neuro typical boy is our hanging out, playing football, biking etc. my now 15yo DD very much still needed 'play' dates, activities, clubs arranged. At one point I tried Facebook to find people her age through a local forum who had the same hobby (rollerblading) so that could be worth trying if your DD has any interests. I then just sent DD to any class/club I could get her to try out & eventually some stuck

I have two painfully shy kids, who are both doing well at the moment. They have both really improved in the past 12-18 months with a catalyst each.
Ds, who was 14 at the time, got a job. He works on a stall in the market and started off doing mostly back of house jobs but did have to step into the role of customer facing for short times when the stall holder popped to the toilet or to get food etc. It still isn't his favourite job to deal with the public, but it has given him so much confidence that it is showing in so many other areas of his life. He did always have a group of friends but rarely saw them outside of school and he definitely looked to be on the outskirts of the group, but now he is out all the time with them, and has started inviting them to our home which he'd never do before.
Dd is 13. She only has 2 close friends at school, but she does see them outside of school too. She is so shy that she is even pretty silent at extended family meals. Last year she found a sport that she just completely clicked with, rugby, and the club and girls there were welcoming to the extreme. Her enjoyment of the sport kept her going, and now with time she has gotten to know her team-mates and they are all friends. She doesn't see them away from the sport but they do have a whatsapp group which does get used. Given the type of sport it is, there aren't too many girls that take it up and so the coaches want to encourage every girl to stay and enjoy it - the emphasis was majorly on enjoying themselves rather than winning - there was no pressure to play games until they felt ready. The group was relatively small with a big range of body types and abilities, but dd understood that it takes diversity to make a good team. She even had the guts to go to a residential camp this summer.
I really feel for your dd, I was also an extremely shy person as a child. I hope she finds something to bring her out of her shell.

Having literally spent past hour trying to find groups for my ds 14, this chat really resonated with me. My ds has friends at school but like a pp feels like he's on the outskirts. He definitely engages better with adults. He says he's happy but also said he gets lonely sometimes. He's not sporty which is the blocker. I don't want him to change - he's lovely. I just want him to find his tribe, have 1 or 2 people he can call on spontaneously. He's tried to arrange outings but people either busy or let him down- he finds the disappointment hard. My heart hurts today for him.