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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Sexually active teen

14 replies

ImOutNumbered · 28/09/2024 13:33

Hi, I’ve recently found out that my 14 year old son is sexually active with his same age girlfriend. We’ve been quite open about sex and had ‘the talk’ when he was about 11. He’s been with this girl for about 6 months and he says they’ve had full sex twice. He also said that her mum gave him condoms, I’m not happy about that and think it was quite inappropriate. Obviously I’m not pleased about the whole scenario, but I’d rather know they were safe and not doing it on a park bench or somewhere. I don’t want to encourage this and I’m worried that they don’t fully understand the implications of being so emotionally involved with each other at such a young age. His dad and I don’t want them to feel shamed in any way and want to tread carefully. Has anyone had anything similar and can offer some words of wisdom?

OP posts:
blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 28/09/2024 13:42

Um. You do know what the age of consent is?

BobbyBiscuits · 28/09/2024 13:49

The fact that they were given condoms by her mum, I feel that she could've maybe raised it with you. I guess it depends on how well you know her. Not that they shouldn't use contraception, just that she was clearly aware and condoning it in her home. But it's done. They're doing it.

There's nothing terrible legally I don't think as they're same age. Obviously it's below the age of consent but not everyone waits till 16. Some feel ready before that.

Definitely talk to him again about consent, contraception etc. There used to be places like Brook where teens went for contraception/sexual health advice etc. if that still exists then it would be a good resource for both of them.

You can say you don't want them doing it under your roof but that ship has already sailed to some degree.

DadJoke · 28/09/2024 13:52

I don’t blame the mother for giving him condoms. The other option would have most likely been they had sex without them. The horse has well and truly bolted, I’m afraid.

Original poster
ImOutNumbered · 28/09/2024 16:54

Yes, I’m fully aware of the age of consent, that’s why we, as his parents, are not happy about the situation! However, we cannot police our children 24 hours a day, I was looking for advice from people who have been in a similar position on the best way forward with the least amount of conflict. Thank you to those replies with constructive advice.

OP posts:
Lincoln24 · 28/09/2024 17:10

Well, it's not ideal but it's been going on since the dawn of time.
Make sure he knows both of them can change their minds & withdraw consent at any time.

I'd keep a close eye on the emotional side of the relationship. It's all good when they're happy together but they're young to navigate the end of a relationship this serious, which is more than likely the eventuality here. That's when things turn sour and hearts get broken. Encourage him to come to you for guidance if he's ever thinking of ending things. If she ends things, make sure you're there to pick up the pieces and it doesn't result in him seeking an immediate replacement or casual sex.

pinkteddy · 28/09/2024 17:12

I used to work in a sexual health clinic and ‘age of consent’ would not be an issue when they are both the same age. I think all you can do OP is be willing to listen and make sure they’re both safe and consenting. Of course it’s up to you if you don’t want them to stay in your house. Any sexual health clinic would probably try to get the girl on the contraception injection and use the condoms as well. You could maybe encourage them to attend a young people’s clinic if you have such a thing in your area.

Poonu · 19/04/2025 11:29

I will sound very old fashioned however shouldn't they be focused on school, their futures etc. As parents isn't it part of our role to facilitate this? My advice keep him as busy as you can and let the school know so they can educate the students pastorally.

shelle07 · 20/04/2025 13:14

You can’t stop them but you can put in some boundaries. I would start by asking if she is taking birth control and try to encourage some openness so he can ask questions if he needs to, and just know you are there for guidance. It is also a good time to reinforce what consent means and no means no. Now is also a good time to reinforce your expectations and family rules. Ours are that we want him to be respectful in our home and considerate of his younger brother. Her parents allow him to stay over in her bed, but in our home it is separate rooms.

anonymous11111111 · 20/04/2025 22:53

I understand that this might be very difficult for you, but as it's already happened and it probably will again i would try to talk to him again about everything you need to know. Safety and boundaries, etc... It's difficult, but at least they have been together for a while and they are both consenting

BelfastBard · 21/04/2025 09:31

Poonu · 19/04/2025 11:29

I will sound very old fashioned however shouldn't they be focused on school, their futures etc. As parents isn't it part of our role to facilitate this? My advice keep him as busy as you can and let the school know so they can educate the students pastorally.

You think the school should be informed that two students are having sex? To what end, what role should the school be taking here that the parents shouldn’t or aren’t?
I guarantee that telling your child’s teachers they’re having sex is a sure fire way to drive them away…

Original poster
ImOutNumbered · 21/04/2025 09:48

Thanks for the recent replies, I originally posted this 7 months ago!

I did not inform teachers, it’s non of their business as there are no safeguarding issues here.
They are still together and safe and understand boundaries.

Thanks for all the constructive feedback.

OP posts:
anonymous11111111 · 21/04/2025 10:26

I agree as I think that there is a home inspection and other legal matters that take place if the authorities find out

pinkteddy · 02/05/2025 21:07

New child protection ruling under crime and policing bill www.theguardian.com/society/2025/apr/16/romeo-and-juliet-clause-exempts-consensual-teen-relationships-from-child-abuse-reports

RedHelenB · 02/05/2025 21:20

You need the talk again. You need to stress the need for consent each time. And I hope she's on the pill too.

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