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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is it common for teen girls to become closer to their fathers

31 replies

DrPiglet · 27/09/2024 19:44

I feel a bit daft writing this but it does cut me up!
My daughter's nearly 16 and we get along fine. Sometimes we'll chat for a while, other times she keeps herself to herself. Deep stuff is reserved for friends but we do talk about periods, plans for the future, celebs etc
Anyway, that's just to explain that we do have a good relationship and I guess she's always been more about me than her father, but they do get on really well and in fact watch football on TV together- which I can't even pretend to be interested in!
Couple of things- the first was she preferred to sit next to her dad on a flight because I'll "only talk and talk"- it would have been a given previously that she'd want to sit next to me; the second is that she'd rather attend a 6th form open evening with her dad because I'll "be trying to talk to her friend and her friend's mum, dad'll leave them alone"- even though I'm the one she's been discussing her 6th form options with.
I know it's not a competition between her dad and me and I love that they have the football thing, but this hurts as it's new.
Obviously I don't tell her that.
Is it common for teen girls to gravitate more towards their fathers than their mothers, at least more than before? I have a very fraught relationship with my own mother and I think I'm terrified of it going the same way. I'm also very sensitive and bruise easily!! I'm a first-born, what can I say.
I have an 18 year son and he's far too diplomatic to show any preference as to which parent's company he'd want! Ironically I suspect he'd often prefer his dad's and that doesn't bother me, I get it.

OP posts:
hby9628 · 27/09/2024 19:52

It doesn't sound like she prefers her dad. It sounds like she gets different things from each relationship. She obviously has a good relationship with you to talk to you like she does but it sounds like her Dad is maybe a little quieter & maybe she wants to find her own way a little bit. I get it. I'm sure I drive my teen DD mad asking if she's okay all the time & I do talk to her friends & their parents but I'm fairly sure that sometimes she would prefer I didn't. It's just how I am! Don't take it personally. Sounds like she's a lucky girl to have parents she feels so close to xx

Phoenix9 · 27/09/2024 19:54

I could have written your post.

In my experience, yes it's normal. My DD is a lot closer to her dad, and some of her actions do gut me occasionally, it's hard, but I'm learning to let it go.I've never given any indication to my DD that it upsets me.
She's also chosen to go to college open days with her dad.

TrampolineFox · 27/09/2024 19:59

I think my DD prefers her dad to me but that's fine. They are very similar and on the same wavelength. I still have a good relationship with her and try my best as a mum. I don't dwell on it plus I want her to get on with him as I don't have a relationship with my dad. I don't want her to miss out on that bond.

Wonderlust233 · 27/09/2024 20:01

That's an interesting observation. All 5 of us sisters actually became very close to our dad's at that age. It has sort of levelled off now in my late 20's.

Olika · 27/09/2024 20:03

Both examples you have given are about you talking so much. Perhaps it's something you can think about so it doesn't become something that keeps pushing her away.

Eggsley · 27/09/2024 20:15

I was very close to my dad at that age. We went to the football together every weekend much to my mum's annoyance. She was also the disciplinarian whereas my dad was wrapped around my little finger. I'm probably closer to my mum now since I've had DC and got older. I think my dad enjoys the peace and quiet now when I take my mum out for a shopping trip or we go for lunch.

When I was late teens my mum asked me if my dad was my favourite because I'd always hug and kiss him first, then her, before I went up to bed. My reason was because I wanted my mum to be the last person I hugged and kissed before bed, but it made me realise how people perceive things very differently.

Just be there, she knows you're there when she needs you.

girljulian · 27/09/2024 20:18

I became very close to my dad in my mid teens. We were best friends.

greengreyblue · 27/09/2024 20:19

I was the primary carer as sahm for 7 years and did the bulk of their care and teen ‘emotional’ oarenting. Now they are 24 and 20z DH says far less than me and I think they appreciate that. I do find it hard to back off .

Original poster
DrPiglet · 27/09/2024 20:28

Thank you, ladies- I'm so glad I posted as I feel a lot better!
That's a very perceptive post @hby9628 and we sound like quite similar mothers! I admit to being extremely interested in the people in her life and I am trying to rein it in a bit. I thought I'd succeeded but I guess I'm nowhere near her dad on that front.
Thank you @Phoenix9 for sharing your experience even down to the 6th form open evening!
Agree @TrampolineFox that having a good relationship with a father is so important and I love that they watch the footie together. I really will try not to dwell on the other stuff- can see that I've made a mountain out of a molehill.
@Wonderlust233 that's fascinating that all 5 of you became closer to your dad at that age- it really helps to know that- I feel lighter!
@Olika you are completely right! I know I do it, I can hear myself and I know how much I need to stop it. It's a work in progress :)

OP posts:
TrampolineFox · 27/09/2024 20:47

Glad you feel better 😊

Original poster
DrPiglet · 27/09/2024 20:50

Oh can't believe how common this is - what a relief.

That's a lovely post, @Eggsley yes, I'd have been your mother in the hug situation, whereas I know my partner wouldn't even think about it! I guess that's what makes him a good option...sometimes, and I believe I can deal with that.
thanks @girljulian happy to hear that you were close to your dad at that age- it sounds lovely:)
@greengreyblue yes, the bulk of their care has fallen to me- which I was fine with as sahm, then worked way less than partner. But it's hard to reconcile being very involved, with some exceptionally tedious stuff to do (all those bloody play-dates, all that stuff to think about with primary school) with becoming more redundant now that it all gets interesting. I know this is the way of things, just feels unfair (stamps feet!). Good luck with trying to be more aloof- it ain't easy.

OP posts:
Cobblersorchard · 27/09/2024 20:52

I was always a daddy’s girl, I love my mum but as I got older I found her quite hard work. I get on better with my dad.

It’s not my mum’s fault, she is/was a good mum and I love her, there’s nothing wrong. I just click more with my dad. My mum is naturally anxious, she has made me anxious and being with her makes me 100 times worse. My dad makes me calm. Always has.

greengreyblue · 27/09/2024 20:54

OP I think it will come round again .They always call me when they’re sad or ill.

Original poster
DrPiglet · 27/09/2024 20:59

@Cobblersorchard thanks, yes, that's quite near to the bone- I feel terribly anxious and low around my mother and I have to say she's not been the greatest parent to us as teens/adults. I do appreciate the drudge work she undertook to bring us up as young children but, unfortunately she's been a nightmare as we've got older- hysterics and lots of inappropriate behaviour. To be fair, my dad's a sweet enough human but he's not parent of the year either. However, he's easy to be around- kind of like a cat! It's all something I don't want to repeat.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrPiglet · 27/09/2024 21:02

that's really good to know @greengreyblue I hope to have similar

OP posts:
Icantstaymarriedtoyoudavid · 27/09/2024 22:10

It's much easier to be laid back, not anxious and have fewer questions to ask teens if you've not taken on the lion's share of the 'drudge' work and have not been the go-to listening ear for the trials and tribulations of that teens life. Much easier.
It's much easier to adapt to the teen/young adult transition too if you've invested less over the years...maybe teen girls would like to be educated in this so they can protect themselves and at least make an active decision to be or not be the parent with the biggest investment, biggest pivot to make and the most to lose or be criticised for...

LittleGreenDuck · 27/09/2024 22:11

I grew much closer to my dad in my teens. I think my mum had always just been there and was my default parent as she was a SAHM, whilst Dad worked FT. As I grew up and spent more time with Dad, I had a more equal "grown up" relationship with him, whereas I still felt like a small child with my mum.

I don't know if that makes any sense or has any relevance to your family, but it all equalled out and I've had a really good relationship with them both as an adult.

Icantstaymarriedtoyoudavid · 27/09/2024 22:20

greengreyblue · 27/09/2024 20:54

OP I think it will come round again .They always call me when they’re sad or ill.

So the mum role gets the hard bits? and is grateful for it while the dad gets the best bits?...l've heard this a lot - it's me they come to when they're ill or sad though...as if it's compensation...Mum is a role, (she's also a person) but dad's the cool one?

greengreyblue · 28/09/2024 06:56

Hahah no it’s not quite that extreme!

MsNeis · 28/09/2024 07:03

I think your daughter feels secure enough with you and she knows you'll be unconditionally there when she sometimes prefers her dad. She's exploring her preferences and her identity and she's doing it great thanks to you!
As you say, it sounds like you're projecting your own history with your mother to your relationship with your daughter: super normal, by the way! But it's better for you (your daughter doesn't have the same experience, so this doesn't affect her) if you recognize when you do it and let yourself some space to feel it and then let it go.

WeAreWhereWeAre · 28/09/2024 10:10

I understand how you might be feeling OP. Have raised my DDs without their dad since he left for the OW when they were 14wks, 2 and 6. He's had them EOW since then. He recently moved much closer and now the elder two (14 and 18) spend much, much more time at his house than with me.

Yep it hurts, I'm not going to lie. But I realise that I'm their 'constant' their default parent and they're naturally excited that he's a lot closer.

I'm sure it also helps that his lovely big house is just a few doors down from DD2s boyfriend's house.

MaMaJoJo3 · 14/01/2025 17:48

I have a 16 year old daughter and an 18 year old son and honestly what you wrote is pretty normal. My daughter actually chose to live with her dad and I was devastated (I started a thread on it if you are interested).I would never have guessed we would become closer as a result!! It is hard not to feel jealous in your situation but very normal. It is healthy for our daughters to have a good father-daughter relationship and we must encourage that (as difficult as it is at times).I was warned that teenagers are the most hurtful and never take it to heart as they become kinder as they get older-so true! If we all look back (honestly!) we all put our parents through a period of hell but it doesn't last forever. Good luck and well done!

Overandone · 20/09/2025 16:15

I know this an old post but I stumbled across it after thinking about how my 16 year old dd is much closer to her dad and how tough it is to feel she’ll lean on me when she wants something but dad gets all the fun bits. I’m just finding it really hard to handle.

greengreyblue · 20/09/2025 17:19

Not in our case. My girls were always closer to me but had a great relationship with DH too but they came to me with feelings and emotions.

greengreyblue · 20/09/2025 17:45

Overandone · 20/09/2025 16:15

I know this an old post but I stumbled across it after thinking about how my 16 year old dd is much closer to her dad and how tough it is to feel she’ll lean on me when she wants something but dad gets all the fun bits. I’m just finding it really hard to handle.

What are the fun bits? Can you not do more together or are you separate?

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