Counsellor's questions a bit odd?

[GoldenRed]

My daughter has been suffering from anxiety for a while, and we decided to get her some private counseling. It's not crippling anxiety and many people would have no idea that she frets about stuff – but I was an anxious child and I wish now that I had been given some tools for building self-confidence.

Anyway, my daughter has had several sessions and seems to really like the therapist. After the last session, she told me the therapist thought she might have felt 'abandoned' as a child – as a result of my daughter saying she used to cry at nursery (in response to some probing questions about her early memories).

Now, I'm self-employed and was lucky enough to be able to bring my daughter up at home – so she only went to nursery from the age of 3 or so, and for just a couple of half-days a week. I guess she may have felt upset at nursery, and she can remember this, but surely that's part of growing up and separating from your parents. (And I know for a fact that although she cried at drop-off time, she also enjoyed the sessions!)

I suppose the counsellor was pointing out that children can feel a sense of abandonment and that's fine. But I also feel like she was sort of putting ideas in my daughter's head – probably without appreciating that she was never a full-time nursery child.

To top it off, she also asked my daughter if she was breastfed, and this has really put my hackles up. She was as it happens, but if she'd said 'no', what then? It feels like the counsellor was trying to make this a possible cause for her anxiety – and it could have led to my daughter feeling that I'd failed her in some way. Surely that's an inappropriate question? Or am I over-thinking it?

That’s completely inappropriate to ask about the breastfeeding. I was going to say hang in there for now as therapist might just be covering all bases but I’d honestly find a new one.
No doubt, if you didn’t breastfeed you’d be guilt tripped over it.

This does sound like something a psycho analyst would ask, rather than a counsellor but if it is helping your DD, then I'd go with it for now.

Unless you feel the counsellor will drive DD away fom you?

Usually, with cousellors that give tools to manage anxiety - the background of where the anxiety stemmed from is not addressed. They just deal with the presenting issue.

Thanks @Boidont Yes, I feel very uncomfortable about that question.
I suppose I feel quite defensive because my daughter has had a very secure and loving upbringing and it seems like the therapist is looking to show that her anxiety may have its roots in her early experiences! (Or it feels that way).
Problem is my daughter has said how much she likes this therapist and was annoyed when I challenged her memory of nursery school abandonment!

This sounds ridiculous. Who didn’t cry at nursery and who would remember being breast fed?!
I would look up her qualifications and possibly find another professional who would be giving her tools to move forward positively.
After I had anxiety after my mother died suddenly I went to CBT therapy which I found helpful - this was with a psychiatrist.

A counsellor should not be digging into these areas. And the breastfeeding question is entirely inappropriate.

How old is your child?

If she likes the therapist that's the important thing. I wouldn't worry about the abandonment question.

A child could feel 'abandoned' in many fairly common situations. Eg. "My parents went out for the night and left Auntie Joan minding me and she didn't read me a story. I missed my parents and I've never forgotten that night."

Doesn't mean anything about your parenting so don't take it personally.

The counselor won't drive your DD away from you! That's fear mongering.

Small children cannot see things in the same way as an adult so it is perfectly possible that your daughter did feel really abandoned at nursery ( especially as she seems to be quite a sensitive child) AND it have been an age appropriate thing for you to have done with her.

In general I'd try not to be quite so defensive about your parenting. I think all parents make mistakes at times, even if inadvertently and being able to reflect on how you have treated your child and accept when there have been negative impacts could be really helpful!

Counselling comes in lots of kinds of flavours.

CBT concentrates on how you think now and tries to give you tools to change that. There's homework and it's often a very practical type of therapy.

Other types of therapy focus much more on the past, either in terms of letting the person talk about it or specifically interpreting it through a framework,

If your daughter is anxious, then right now she isn't feeling secure. It's normal for people experiencing anxiety to remember and focus on experiences when they have been anxious in the past.

The fact that your daughter remembers this as anxious time for her is completely compatible with you giving her a secure childhood. all childhoods have some level of anxiety.

What she needs now is support. Tell her, yes I remember that was anxious time for you. There's a sense of upset coming through in your post almost as if your daughter is blaming you for that anxious situation. She isn't. You can be a good mother and your child had an anxious reaction to a situation. Both are true.

I'm no expert but I've had counselling in the past, not therapy or analysis, and going by that this sounds a bit 'deep' for counselling, for want of a better word.

I agree that the questions may have a logical base if the plan is to identify the cause of her current anxiety and encourage her to loom at it through a different lens. Why don't you ask the counsellor if she can (generally, without breaking confidenality) walk you through her plan, and you can base next steps on that.

Is it counselling or therapy she is having as you’ve referred to both?

Where do you feel the roots of her anxiety is from? It’s not uncommon for it to be in early experiences but often this is because they ARE good and kind and loving experiences. Then when a child goes somewhere else and meets other adults (who they have to share with other kids like nursery or school) they begin to worry or feel anxious more. It’s like when you begin a new job and you don’t know the “social rules” like you did in your old job - similarly kids feel this when they go somewhere new that feels different to home. This isn’t anyone’s fault, just how kids make sense of the world.

The question about breastfeeding is beyond unacceptable to the point of being enough to form the basis of a complaint. What is that, some outdated Freudian analysis of your child?! If it had to be asked at all, it would be better for them to ask the parent without the child's knowledge, to gather some background info. But still. Unnecessary and invasive.

But what do you mean when you say you "challenged" your daughter's memories of nursery? Her own parent implicitly or explicitly saying that her memories of her feelings and experiences are somehow wrong, will most definitely be contributing to her anxiety. You actually have no idea how it was for her, because you're not her.

It's not generally recommended to encourage your child to dissect their private therapy sessions afterwards with you. Unless they genuinely come to you and wish to talk about it. It's a huge invasion of their privacy and will hinder any positive results of therapy.

How old is your Daughter, OP? Do you ask about her counselling sessions or does she voluntarily share details with you?

I’m very close to my daughter and she voluntarily shares stuff with me.
Saying I challenged her memories was the wrong phrasing @LyingPaintSample What I meant was that I pointed out she was not a fulltime nursery child… she doesn’t remember the finer details and hadn’t realised she went for so few hours a week. On the other hand, I fully acknowledge that she remembers the tears and found it hard, the same as when she started school. She is an incredibly sensitive child (15 now, @MummySam2017 ), and she has great empathy.
I was a sensitive child too and I guess these traits get passed down? I have 2 younger children who have had the same upbringing but are more self-confident and robust.

The therapist describes herself as a psychotherapist and counsellor and offers CBT. I was hoping for her to work with my daughter to provide practical tools to manage her anxiety, and wasn’t expecting her to psychoanalyse her as such. But I have no experience of counselling and I don’t know what’s normal, or whether it’s necessary to delve into the past to this extent to move forwards.

Asking about feeding how you were fed as a baby is not an unusual question - it's formed part of every psychological or psychiatric evaluation I've had. Hopefully someone will be able to say why as I know there's a reason but I can't remember what it is.

Does her training say therapist or counsellor? Therapist is usually MSc and counsellor is usually BSc/BA/ PGDip

Conversely I've never been asked how I was fed as a child at any therapy or assessment or form filling, and I've had a few old sessions of various flavours lol.

I reckon, if you're not comfortable with it maybe look for another therapist. It's hard to find a good fit even as an adult, so it's perhaps moreso difficult with children. But then that would also be upheaval for her when they've started to build on their time. It's a hard one.

I have a lot of MH issues and have had various therapies, I’ve been asked several times if I was bf or bottle fed.

the worst day of my life was the day i sat in on my daughters session with CAMHS and the counsellor told me i was was a bad parent because i abandoned my child!

i didn't abandon her, she was 13 and if me and DH were going to the cinema she was asked if she wanted to go, and when she said no, she stayed home with her older sister (17).

but it made me feel so shit! i was angry and upset and from that point on i made DD come everywhere with me, even to tesco for the weekly shop!

next session, and i'm told i need to loosen my apron strings!!

don't get me wrong, DD was very lucky as her counsellor was doing a PHD or masters or something and offered us the chance of a years intensive theraphy which on the NHS as we all know is unheard of, but he needed a case study, but boy did he put us through the mill.

I thought that all psychs etc blamed the parents? Standard procedure. I guess sometimes it's a bit true, but often not really that helpful. I think it's part of their training. Especially if she's still quite young.
When the psychiatrists blamed my MH on my mum I practically burst out laughing. It was a complete rote response you could tell they say to absolutely everyone.
If she did feel 'abandoned' then address that. But not because the counsellor has put that notion into her mind.

Sometimes abandoned can also mean 'not heard' or 'nobody understands me'.
Not physically abandoned...

Let's all remember how we felt as teenagers.

With adolescents sometimes they don't really understand their own anxiety and can't put it into words.

Therefore they do feel 'alone'. It's a phase of development.
As they get older they can express themselves and later on, look back and make sense of what it was they were going through.

I'd let her have the independence with the counsellor. Don't change your own behavior based on your fears about what's being said.

Your DD needs you to be exactly who you are! A loving mother sensitive to her daughter's needs.

If you are hoping your child would just learn some coping mechanisms I'm.not sure this sounds like the right approach. I'd be worried about this person making connections and making suggestions like this. How did you find the counsellor?

We ask about feeding/milestones/developmrnt/caregivers in Camhs

It's a normal question and is only to build an overall picture about the attachment

You've done a great job with your daughter and asking about her early memories of feeling upset is normal so she can frame and process them

Kids feel abandoned/upset/that parents don't understand even when it's not 'fact'

We all have irrational feelings

I’ve never found counselling helpful, to be honest. It seems they have a set way of working and/or paradigm and then ‘make’ your case fit it. Which leaves one feeling misunderstood/ unheard.

I’m not convinced there’s much to be gained by it, but of course others will feel the opposite.