Hi Mumsnet,
First post in many years - and just because I don’t know where else to turn really…
Mum of 3D - 7,9 & 19.
Ultimately I’m here because of 19D. To be as blunt as I can - she’s become incredibly lazy in all aspects of her life. She is qualified in her industry, but had a really bad employer in her last full time job. Since leaving there, she has managed to find a part time job, and also a cash in hand evening job - these combined do not equate to a full time wage. She had suffered from anxiety for the majority of her teenage life, and has a difficult relationship/abandonment issues with her dad (we have been apart since she was small). This info is just for context.
however, the problem is she has stopped caring about anything except her social life and her boyfriend. She had always been a clean and tidy person, to the point where she couldn’t sleep in a messy room to now pretty much living in filth. She has mounds of messy clothes, dirty dishes, her room really smells etc. At 19, it is not my job to clean this.
Her personal appearance has also changed dramatically, in about 2 years, she has gone from slim build to quite overweight, gaining in the region of 60lbs. I know she is aware of this, but she continues to wear the same clothes that she wore 2 years ago, which clearly don’t fit now. We have had gentle conversations about this but I do not want this to become a “weight” issue - it’s more of a lazy and unbothered about it issue.She looks generally scruffy in her appearance with badly fitting and tatty clothes.
she will lay in bed on the days she doesn’t work basically festering in her pit for want of a better description. She doesn’t join any family time which I appreciate is normal for this age, but she can’t get out of bed quick enough for her boyfriend/occasionally friends.
she had a substantial sum of money in a savings account, which is supposed to be going towards a larger purchase ie - house deposit etc. she has already used a portion of this money, for her first holiday, her first car. But now I believe she is just using it to basically fund her lifestyle.
we have had a few slightly heated discussions about this - but she always had a “reason”.
an example, she was going out last night and I questioned how she could afford it - I was immediately met with “ it’s so hard seeing my friends do everything, they’re in uni, going out, going to festivals, nights out and I can’t do anything. I know you think it’s childish, but I’m also hormonal and I just need this outlet”. - this is repetitive, and I always feel she presses on her and my own emotions to make me feel guilty/manipulates me.
I am always the first person to defend her and give her grace because of her intermittent experiences with anxiety but I’m starting to think I’m being manipulated/taken advantage of. My H (of 12 years) certainly thinks so.
Reading this back, I would be telling myself that she has depression and needs to see a GP, but she wouldn’t listen and she would put another emotional play on me.
My problem is more how do I get her to see these problems? How do I know when she is purposefully using excuses as to make me feel sorry for her and let her off everything? How do I fix this?