Apologies in advance that this will be a long post but I wanted to give as much info as possible to get peoples opinions please.
Dh and I are trying to decide whether to get Ds17 assessed for asd/inattentive adhd or whether his behaviour is just normal teenage stuff/his personality and we should just leave well alone. This question has been lingering for many years and has come up through his life on various occasions. We have always thought we would seek a diagnosis if we thought it would support his journey through life and have been wary of ‘pigeonholing’ him into a diagnosis unnecessarily. So far we have always come to the conclusion that it wouldn’t help him but now very unsure.
His primary school reports always mentioned things like ‘loses focus easily’ or ‘finds it hard to focus on what’s being asked’ every year but school never red flagged it or asked for investigations so we left it. He met or exceeded all targets academically. Lots of teachers described him as lovely but ‘in his own world’ at times and that is definitely how we have experienced life with him too.
He has always been slightly different to other boys his age in terms of personality and on the immature side but we have always put this down as ‘quirky’ and just who he is. He maintained good friendships with a small group throughout primary school and was always invited to play dates and parties but was always a follower not an instigator in play or ideas. He is very passive.
In the first year of secondary school he was like a lost sheep; forgot something every day and lost his whole PE kit in the first week. It took him a full year to orientate himself and to make one new friend who has unfortunately since left the school.
Now at the end of secondary, things have fallen apart somewhat. He has slipped under the radar totally and not fully engaged with school life but has ticked boxes academically and kept up (he’s at a grammar school) so nothing has been red flagged but socially, he has ended school with next to no friends. He doesn’t hang out with people his own age, no parties, no girlfriends/boyfriends. He has some sort of social life online which we are vaguely aware of but he is very private about it which is his prerogative.
Last year he had an irreparable fall out with his ‘best friend’ after what seemed to us as a year of intensifying bullying behaviour from the friend. The friend kept telling ds he was autistic in front of others and used it as a weapon saying that ds needed to ‘admit it’. This ‘friend’ also tried to publicly humiliate him about an online ‘relationship’ ds had been having. It all ended very nastility and a lot of the friends he did seem to have all drifted away. This has undoubtedly contributed to his low self esteem. We applied for a school change to retake lower 6th as felt this had negatively affected him on many levels but were unsuccessful. He was very keen to change schools.
In terms of other possible symptoms of neurodivergence; he finds it hard to maintain eye contact and chat with people he doesn’t know well, but he can do it. I’ve always put this down to being shy as I was at a similar age. He chats to people but doesn’t want to hang around for long and seeks the comfort of his own room or own space. He seems acutely embarrassed to talk to other adults or other people his age.
He has been obsessed with the online game ‘Roblox’ for about a decade and has never moved on from this as his favourite game. He has no hobbies except for karate which we kind of insisted he did as he does no exercise otherwise and we thought it would help him build confidence. Everything we’ve encouraged him to do, he has given up as soon as possible like joining clubs at school of which there are many.
Academically he has done well with a good set of gcse results but he has become less and less interested in school and working. He says he will pull his finger out for upper sixth and we’re hoping for the best but after that he really has no clue what he wants to do with his life. He has a part time job which he enjoys and has stuck at, washing dishes in a local pub. We’re really proud of this as he entered an environment with other adult strangers and has coped really well with it. The people he works with treat him well but are in a totally different age bracket so unlikely to ever become close friends.
To meet ds you would think he is a lovely young man; very polite and always happy but this is part of the problem; he doesn’t share anything of his inner life with us or anyone (except one cousin) which could be understandable at his age but coupled with the lack of social life has us very worried. He is very close to his female cousin of the same age (who lives a flight away) and he has confided in her about his issues to the point my sister had to phone me and tell him to stop leaning on his cousin for support as she couldn’t deal with it. He did tell her that he was depressed and thought of suicide. We spoke to him about it and he said he had been feeling down but that he would speak to the counsellor at school if I arranged it. That is due to start soon.
In summary: ds 17 spends a lot of time alone and struggles socially/has almost no social
life. He is academically bright but losing interest. No interest in romantic relationships or dating, no idea what to do in the future. Has an online life which we are excluded from but has had an obsession with one particular game (Roblox) for at least 10 years despite our best efforts to get him to try something else…He seems isolated but not unduly worried about it. We’re the ones doing the worrying!
So does he need a diagnosis or just more time to grow up and find himself?
Really appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this!