Need Help - How Do I Tell My Son About His Real Dad?

[ForAzurePeer]

Hi all, I don’t know what to do, so I’m asking for advice here. My son is almost 18 now, and there’s something I havent told him his whole life. It’s complicated, so I’ll try to explain. When I was younger, I did something stupid. I went to a party, got really drunk, and things got out of control. There were a few guys involved that night (I’ll just leave it at that, I’m sure you know what I mean). Anyway, a few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. Problem is, I don’t know who his dad is because of what happened that night. I’ve been raising him alone and always told him his dad was an old boyfriend who left when he was a baby. But that isn't the truth. I feel like now he’s grown up, he should know the real story, but I don’t know how to tell him. I’m scared he’ll hate me or it’ll mess him up. Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? I don’t know how to say it without hurting him, but I don’t want to keep lying. Any advice would help. I feel really lost.

I'd somehow tell him you had a drunken one night stand at a party so don't know the dad's name etc.

I wouldn't tell him there were numerous people involved!

I don’t think that there’s a need to tell him that there’s multiple possible dads unless somebody else in ds’ life eg you parents know and might tell him.

Like others have said, you can tell him that he was the product of a drunken one night stand and that his bio father never knew about him (so you're letting him know that he wasn't abandoned by his father, since the guy never knew) but I really wouldn't mention the multiple possible dads part of it.

The fact that you can't remember (or didn't know) the dad's name is enough information.

Why do you need to tell him?

Learning his mum had sex with multiple men on a night out is likely going to be horrifying for him.

What good would come from telling him?

I think everyone has the right to know the truth about themselves, what they do with that information is up to them

He doesn't need to know OP. Just say you had a drunken one night stand, if you need to tell him anything at all.

God I can't imagine being told that's how you came about. It's pretty grim and tawdry. I don't think he will take that well. For his sake, stick to the version everyone is suggesting.

Are you still in touch with any friends from that time who might know the potential fathers? How much information do you remember about them (first names, faces, etc.?) As your son is now 18 does he look like any of them?

In all of these years have you ever tried to track any of them down? If you were able to find any of them you could possibly do a DNA test without your son knowing - is this something you would consider?

I'm pretty easy going and open with my children but no way would I tell them this. I would say it was a one night stand and leave it at that.

Now he's 18 he could decide to do an ancestry DNA test and find relatives, and possibly his bio father that way. So you should probably tell him something even if it's not the whole story.

Well my first reaction is No. That just ew for a kid. And the reality is that you had sex with ONE man that night who got you pregnant. Doesn’t matter if you had sex with others does it - only one of them did the impregnating.

BUT your post isn’t actually clear. Do you know who all these men are but don’t know which one got you pregnant - you know, Mamma Mia style. In which case, you do need to tell him so he can pursue finding out, if he so chooses…you know, Mamma Mia style.
(genuinely not being flippant)

but if you have no idea who these men were, it offers him absolutely nothing to tell him. Other than saying, look actually I don’t know who your dad is, he was a one night stand, and maybe try an ancestry test. Because in this situation, the other men have no impact - like I said, only one man got you pregnant so he’d only be looking for one man. Telling him about the others would just be randomly tell him about your sexual encounters. and it’s not like people who know their kid’s dad say “hey you were conceived while I was standing on my head” or “in the back of a car”. It offers no useful information.

also why did you lie - this is the main issue. Does he think you know his father but just haven’t offered up his contact details? Or what? I mean how much of a lie is it - did you say you were in a relationship?

Look if you knew who his father was then yes you should tell him.

But you don't. So you have given a reasonable explanation - a boyfriend who departed.

What possible benefit would it be to your ds to know the exact circumstances of his conception? It won't help him get in touch with his bio-father. it won't give him any more information about himself.

Maybe change your story to "well I didn't know him very well, it was actually a one-night-stand" so if he does a DNA ancestry thing you can say "yeah I remember him sort of" Don't tell him you had sex with multiple people the night he was conceived.

I worry that you were raped tbh. I also wouldn't tell your son that if it is true - well not just yet anyway. Not at 18.

A thousand per cent don’t tell him - it might make you feel better but it would probably be traumatising for him, and for no good reason. You’re going to have keep this one to yourself I’m afraid. I would tell him that it was a drunken one night stand however, so he knows he wasn’t abandoned.

This🖕100%

Im pretty relaxed and keen on being open about things, but I don’t feel this adds anything to what he already knows. There is no useful info here, nothing to help him understand his background, it just seems unnecessary.