16 and parental responsibility

[HollyIvy89]

DD is 16 and has always said once I’m 16 I can do what I like.
She’s a very angry teen. Sometimes aggressive. Throws stuff at me and will push me out the way. Shouts the house down at any mild inconvenience or when told ‘no’. Refuses school on these days like it’s a punishment to me and I have to cajole her there. Takes great effort. Sometimes it like a full blown toddler tantrum but she’s bigger than me.

Has got worse since her relationship with dad has decreased. She witnessed DV at his home from his partner towards him and in a manner mimicks these behaviours towards me with lots of shouting and threats. Self harms. Has been to CAMHS but refusing the help.

Not sure what I am asking but what is the law with 16 and how much help do I need to give. I know I need to keep safe and provide for her which I do but do I really have to let her ‘do what she wants’ for the next 2 years?
I have accessed her every form of help possible but can not physically make her attend. I give her as good a life as I can but she absolutely hates me and is literally making my life hell. I am not sure what to do
her dad is not particularly interested and has told me to stop involving him when she’s gone beserk or done something bad. I feel very alone with how to handle. My family help but she is also breaking them down with her nastiness. I try and hold back privileges and it just escalates situation even more.

I suppose it depends what you & she means by “do what she wants”. If she means dropping out of college and not attending then yeah there’s nothing you can do, the legal requirement to remain in education after 16 is on the child not the parent so you won’t receive any fine or anything from doing that.

If she means staying out all night getting drunk, stealing, destroying things etc then no, you don’t just need to let her do what she wants. My parents always said we could “do what we want” at the point at which we could do it without relying on them to facilitate it, paying for our own choices, so for drinking that meant when we were 18 and had a job to pay for that ourselves for example.

I think she means she can come and go as she’s pleases and potentially just use my house as a bed and breakfast. She’d also likely expect an evening meal and her clothes to be clean.

No- as previous poster said you can’t make her do 6th form but you can say she has to work and you will expect a certain percentage as rent. As far as going out and doing what she wants sadly if she chooses to there is little you can do but tell her if it exceeds what is acceptable to you- violence, drugs, doing nothing at all but being disruptive- then you can ask her to leave. Tough and terrible to do particularly as she has struggles. I have been in a similiar situation and it is difficult. Even if you think she is unsafe the police will not help sadly as they will say she is 16.

You don't have to provide her with a hot meal and clean clothes. You have to feed, clothe and house her, and parent her the best you can. She's still a child and you have PR until she's 18 but at her age she can consent to most things and you'd have a job to override her.

How can she ask her 16 year old to leave? And go where?

Fair point- ours left at 16 to a job with accommodation

She’s in school. Not planning on leaving just yet. What she means I think is that I can’t tell her what she can and can’t do now she is 16. I am assuming she means if I say no to say attending a party or being out and about late she’d go anyway.
how can I keep her safe and keep a calm family life for my younger child if she is doing as she pleases against my wishes. Like you say I can’t ’throw her out’. So what are the options when things are tough and the kid has zero respect for the parent. I feel like I am bent over a barrel and until 18 I have to put up with everything?!
if I say no to almost anything to flips her lid and becomes aggressive and horrid.

What boundaries do you have in place? Does she have a phone you pay for? Do you give her an allowance?

Again like pp he only ‘power’ you have is phone if you pay for it, wifi, refuse lifts, pocket money if she gets it but it depends how much these things mean to her and whether she can get them elsewhere. If you have boundaries and tell her what you expect her to do- be home at a certain time , keep mobile on etc and if she does not do these things quite frankly there is nothing you can do. Understandably you would not ask her to leave home, but if she ignores your rules and goes to a party you have said no to there is nothing you can do. I have been there- with a teen that will not respect the boundaries of the home there is very little you can do but hope that maturity helps them realise they are being unreasonable and with time tongs will get better

What you are describing actually sounds very like domestic abuse.

You might find this helpful
www.pegsupport.co.uk/

Can I suggest you look at Nvr .

I am doing it through Camhs currently- it is also available through Social care you can self refer . There may be a family support worker in school - my son was allocated one

She has a phone I bought but her dad pays contract and he’s not interested as he’s not seeing her. She has a job now so that will start to give her money but I have been holding back on allowance given her behaviour. I think it’s all I can do is stop giving out ££. Problem is this kicks off the situation big style.

Thank you for the links I shall have a look.