Favouring parents

[Nina847]

I'm separated from my kids Dad. I get no financial support from him, yet I provide all of the kids stuff (bus passes, driving lessons etc). Basically, I'm doing my best to provide for my kids yet their Dad takes no responsibility. However, both of my kids seem to want to do the fun stuff with their Dad, but never with me. I sound sour grapes, but I find it so hurtful that I'm doing the parenting yet my ex seems to get all of the kids love and attention. The kids only seem interested in what they can get out of me, yet put all their efforts into their Dad. What am I doing wrong?!

Stop giving them stuff, they’re taking you for granted.

I feel your pain OP. I'm in the same position. ExH left for the OW 12yrs ago. Since then he's seen them EOW and has always been seen as the 'fun one'.

Three months ago, he moved much closer. DD1 (17 at the time) immediately moved in with him, and DD2 now wants to be based at his house.

Who do they phone when they want/need something - me!

I feel so hurt. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, it's just teenagers!

I agree that they're taking advantage, but I feel between a rock and a hard plate as my ex won't give them support or opportunities! I'm just worried I'll drive a bigger wedge if they don't get the opportunities they deserve.

Can you try and have an open non accusatory chat with them.

"Look, I know that you enjoy your time with your Dad and I think that's really great. I'd like to do x with you sometimes too."

Teen "Dad more fun though because he always buys us/ lets us do/ ..."

"That's great that he does that. I know you really enjoy it. I don't always have the money to be as generous with a/b/c but I'm spending my money covering the basics such as bus pass/uniform/lunch etc. I'd still like to do X with you sometimes."

Basically take your resentment out of it. Obviously your ex isn't stepping up and you are having to carry more of a financial load and it is understandable that you can feel angry and resentful about that. However, none of that is your children's fault. They need to know that you are happy for them that they can have a good time with Dad and it is also OK to let them know when you'd really like to have a turn doing X with them as you enjoy their company/want to support them or whatever.

They may actually be choosing Dad more as they have a feeling underneath that he is the one they have to keep "inside" or else they might lose him. You are the dependable one.

How old are they? Once they approach adulthood they most definitely understand which parent to appreciate. My adult kids have been amazing in acknowledging what I did for them over their Dad even though for many years he was the fun parent. They now understand that he didn't help is financially which is why I was always working and that I did all I could to keep them in contact with their dad. Now I've stopped (they are all old enough to make their own arrangements) they can see how little effort he puts in.

It was hard when they were little but I'm reaping the rewards of that hard work now. My children are now 'my' children throught their own understanding and choice.

They're 17 and 13 yo. The eldest sees his lack of contribution, but then buys him concert tickets! It's so odd, as neither of the kids would ever think of doing anything for me. It's just a bit hurtful. I think both kids do feel guilty when they keep asking me for things though, as they know the answer will typically be "no" if they ask their Dad.

Teens can be utterly self absorbed and materialistic. Yes they can also be lovely etc but there’s a reason so many products and trends are marketed to teens - they’re rampant consumers.

OP you can’t necessarily change that but you just have to continue being the best parent you can be. Not in the hope they’ll like you more or spend more time with you. They might not. But a parents role is to do the best ground work you can to prepare them for independence. Then off they go and you focus on you.

That doesn’t mean you are their housekeeper, cash machine, driver, cook etc. Set boundaries and don’t worry about being unpopular.

I’m sure dd loathes me when I reinforce boundaries which Dp is happy to be lax about. I’m also happy to tell her to ask dad next time she can’t find her gym kit, wants to buy something etc.

Nina I could have written this word for word, and I agree it's so frustrating and makes me so sad for my children.

A family member recently commented that even though they don't say it, you are appreciated as they won't/ don't even bother asking their dad for the things they need as they know the answer and they know they can rely on you. Which is a positive thing.

I feel my children almost need to make more of an effort with dad as sadly he doesn't engage in their life / interests and needs. Hasn't done sports day, parents evening, food shop for cookery at school etc. He will take them out and is 'more fun' but always on his terms, if he doesn't want to do something he wont. Even if its something they would love.

They want to feel loved so need to work harder for that from him. Try and keep positive 😊 ( I say this but find it so tricky myself too)