Daughters boyfriend contacting Daughters Best Friend

[redhen1975]

Hi there

My 15 year old daughter has been dating a boy from school for about 3 months.

Her best friend opposed to this initially but she seems to have gotten over it however, she accompanies them on dates every time my daughter and her boyfriend go out.

I have explained to my daughter that this isn't usually what happens in a relationship as generally three is a crowd, but I know she is scared of losing her friend as she gave her the gaslight treatment at the beginning due to spending time with her boyfriend rather than her. My DD is non-confrontational and hates fights and arguing and suffers with low self-esteem.

They have a group WhatsApp where the boy, my DD and the best friend chat and make arrangements to go out.

When exploring this further with my DD and advising maybe they could spend time alone and then also see her friend separately. She tells me that the boy asks if the best friend is coming with them too. My DD says that this is usual behaviour for teens these days - I beg to differ. The boy used to like the best friend when they started school, but has since dated other girls since my daughter.

The best friend doesn't give them any space and doesn't offer to stay out of the picture at the weekend at any time.

I have caught the best friend even hovering around my DD and her boyfriend when they say goodbye and he is giving her a kiss goodbye. Which I find very strange. At one time I had to tell her to come in the house and leave them alone.

Last night her boyfriend told her that he couldn't accept a Snapchat snap as his phone had died - he did this via WhatsApp. DD was confused so asked him how he was texting her then?

He replied that he was doing so on his laptop and sent her a screenshot of the WhatsApp conversations.

She was showing me her phone at this point and we both noticed (she ignored it but I could tell she had seen it) that her best friend was one of them and it wasn't part of the the usual WhatsApp group that they have. So her best friend has been having direct conversations with her boyfriend.

So, I am really not convinced about the whole thing.

Is it my suspicious mind and also is this type of thing usual for teens?

I can tell she was bothered by this as she then proceeded to hide her phone from me and zoom into the screenshot he sent to see the names of the people he had been talking with.

I just find it very underhand that the best friend and the boyfriend find this acceptable?

I think you're far too involved and should leave your DD to make her own mistakes (which I must say this does sound like one!)

I think your concerns are valid, but you are way too involved.

Golly, what a mix-up.

Leave them to it, OP. They'll sort it out between themselves eventually.

They're very young.

And please make sure you've discussed contraception, consent and sexual health with your daughter.

Oh for heaven's sake, this is her 15 year old daughter - of course the OP wants to make sure she's in a safe and happy friendship group.

The fact this boy is having private chats with her best friend is a massive red flag, given they also share a chat group with her. I would bet my house that the girl instigated it.

It sounds as though the girl is jealous and wants the boy to prefer her - not because she necessarily likes him a lot, but to punish your daughter.

I completely understand why you're involved with/concerned about this situation as it does sound like it will all end in tears for your dd. And it sounds like she's happy for you to be involved/is looking for your advice. But all the same I would completely disengage from it and show her that you trust her to make good decisions for herself and cope with whatever the fallout may be from this situation. As that way you're modelling to her that she can have privacy and boundaries and hopefully she'll then apply that with the friend.

Yes it is. Hence my asking! I really don't want to be involved but she includes me as I know that she needs support with this situation. She does make her own decisions but this is a very tricky situation where she will need my input as often even as adults we don't know how best to handle them. This boy is very popular and is friends with alot of people which a lot of them are girls but I just think the red flag is he is contacting her best friend privately and its not acceptable!

I completely agree with you - it's a huge red flag and your daughter would do well to get out of the drama and end the friendship and the relationship. It's such a shame, particularly if he's a young lad without any experience of how to deal with a jealous best friend, but she can hold her head up and say she's not standing for any secret chats between them. Her so-called friend is poisonous, I think.

My daughter sadly is accepting this as being normal. Where she gets that idea from is beyond me! There has been a lot of drama since this boy came on the scene to be fair and its starting to affect her mental health. And mine if I am honest! I will let it play out but will just have to let her deal with it in the main as she goes crazy if I mention it sometimes. Thanks for your kind and supportive words. I now don't think its me going mad!

Her boyfriend obviously likes the best friend and the best friend likes him.

It may be best having a word with her.

This takes me back, my first boyfriend broke my heart by getting together with my best friend when we were all 16. I too thought we were all just being cool and modern and this was about 33 years ago.
No point trying to get involved, just leave them to it and get ready for some crying on your shoulder.

Did you post about this recently? Leave them to it.

Why do you ask that?

OP, do you ever watch reality TV with your daughter? I think that's a really good way of discussing relationships without it being personal. Married at First Sight is starting tonight - why not watch it with her and don't mention her own relationship but comment favourably on people who act in an honourable way and negatively on people who are disloyal? It's much better than focusing in on her relationship - she will see for herself what's happening to her by watching it happen to others. She'd also find that other people at school who watch it will agree about unacceptable behaviour, which gives her back up.

Personally I'd encourage my daughter in other activities and friendships. Both of these two sound pretty toxic.
And if she's got any older cousins, or other 17+ year olds she looks up to - then could you get her to talk to them? (Ones with healthy boundaries of course.)

And this does all sound like a knock off Liaison Dangerous

She’s 15, she’s too young for all this shit and melodrama:

Introduce your daughter to the concept of a frenemy - she'll recognise this girl in that.

She's 15, I'd be glad of the friend being there as a buffer of things getting too serious. Love triangles have existed forever it happens, when it all finally comes out she'll be heartbroken broken but will recover and chalk it off to a learning experience. If she never has any bad relationships how will she know when she has a good one?

You need to butt out and be prepared to pick up the pieces instead.

I wonder if the girls parents won't allow her to date so the boy has roped your daughter in on the pretence of her being his girlfriend so that they can go out as a threesome as her parents won't allow her to go with just him?

Or it could be completely innocent and the boyfriend messaged the friend to ask something. For example, when it was my son's girlfriend's birthday he messaged her friends to ask them what she might like for her birthday. The whole threesome thing is a bit unusual though, in my experience if they hang around in a group it tends to be a bigger group of boys and girls or maybe a foursome, rather than a friend as a third wheel all the time. Either way though, imo best not to get involved, other than casually chatting about relationships in general, they make their own mistakes and learn from them.

@redhen1975 because you'll get the same advice as you did before.

Is this Just 17 (oldies know) or mumsnet? Stay out of it and be there for her when jt goes wrong. Count yourself lucky she isnt spending all her time alone with a boy!

Thanks for your honesty but your comments are completely unnecessary and unacceptable . I came on here for some support not to be attacked!

This scenario happened to me in my teens… turned out my bff was sleeping with my then Bf!!!! You are right to think this is all a red flag!