Why did I let them drop extra curriculars

[fuschiasforever]

Really Beating myself up that I let my teens drop their music and drama lessons. It became a battle to get them to go / do practice. But if I'd pushed thry would have developed life skills and a degree of excellence. Was I a weak parent?

I've never met anyone in real life who's such an amazing person because of extra curricula activities!

Relax knowing that when they're at uni / work / an apprenticeship or whatever they do next, no one will have a clue if they played Romeo in year 8, or have a level 3 in violin 🎻

Would they have attended, practiced etc. It's easy to look back and think what could have gone better but you did what you could at the time. You got them this far, now they can decide for themselves what they want to do with their leisure hours.

Answered on your other thread.
If a teen doesn't want to do music or drama then I wouldn't make them. They know what they enjoy.
Quit worrying.

I have my grade 7 flute because DM insisted it would be good on my CV and I therefore had lessons and practiced all the way through until I left school. And…never played again and never used it on my CV and am no different a person than had I given up much much earlier. My defining hobby was one I didn’t take up until uni.

Why make two threads on this? Are your teenagers giving you a hard time about it?

Difficult one. I practiced piano and got to grade 4 up until early teens. I hated it because it was only learning 3 classical pieces for months.
Iny 40s I've suddenly got back into the piano, and that base of knowledge has allowed to try playing music I love and that has made all the difference.

My daughter did dancing up to gold award level. At 14 /15 she gave up. I was gutted as she was so close to her final exams and I had invested a lot of time and money supporting her. She wanted more free time to socialise and eventually get a part time job. She did carry on doing some fitness activities though through university. Many years later, after children, she qualified as a fitness instructor and now teaches dance fitness so her skills have been useful.

Nobody should be forced to attend a club they don't enjoy.

MAKING teenagers do things they don’t want is hard. With mine anyway, perhaps other MNer have more compliant kids.
All you can do is keep options open, they sometimes come back to things.

Extra curricular activities are great if they child is enjoying them and thriving. If they're not enjoying it and dreading it, then I don't see the point.
I have a shy and anxious child. Forcing him to do this stuff is horrible for both of us. We make sure he has plenty of life enriching experiences though. He travelled around India this summer. He has a busy and varied life in other ways. Paying for clubs etc isn't the only way to give them interesting experiences and teach them skills.

Teenagers are people too and should have a choice in what they do with their spare time.

I felt that I did my bit by giving them opportunities. Between them they started loads of sports and activities- most were dropped after a couple of years but they had had a go. DS kept up piano but didn't take his Grade 8 exam; DD kept up Stagecoach until GCSEs.

Both have picked a couple of things in their 20s that they dropped as children, because they want to, not because they are forced to.

With the exception of swimming lessons, no child should be forced to do extra curricular activities they don't enjoy.

You can't really make teenagers do an activity they don't want to. Mine both gave theirs up around age 14. I felt disappointed but there wasn't anything I could do about it, they just refused to go anymore and that was that. It's not going to make any difference to their lives - they can always take it up again in the future if they choose to.

It depends on the child and the reasons for them wanting to stop and what the activity is. I have insisted that they both do organised swimming up to about 14/15 because it's a life skill.

My DDs are both enthusiastic about some clubs but have been less enthusiastic about others and I've been happy for them do drop things when they have done enough to have a good idea of what it's like. One loves sport and although she stopped swimming club she still plays for her football club, when she stopped swimming club she realised within a few weeks that her fitness was dropping soshe started doing hockey and going to the gym so just swapped one sport for another. We swim for fitness together as well. The other DD has filled her time with music and drama, she plays two instrument and sings. DD1 didn't enjoy music and although she sang in a choir at school she dropped the violin after one year.

DS is 12 and is reluctant to try new activities but generally enjoys things when he tries them. We do push him to start things and give them a good go because otherwise he'd spend all his time playing on the computer.

I’ve made my DD16 stick with tennis (not particularly competitively) . It’s been a massive bone of contention in our house. She’s inclined to do nothing and had given up music etc so I insisted that she stick with one interest outside school and I think it is good for her and despite the whingeing she does like it and says it’s good for her mental health

I am counting down the days when I no longer have to do this as it’s such a bloody stress

You are overthinking this completely. Your children also had a choice in it which is important to acknowledge. Even as teenagers, they need to be involved in decisions about their own lives and demands on their time.

I agree to a point but what if your teen doesn’t want to do any exercise or hobbies. Do you leave them at it and say ‘ok well they just want to be on the phone’

I’m not sure that’s really good for them either

No, it’s not at all, but there’s quite a lot of middle ground between that and actually forcing them to do something they are quite clear they don’t want to.
I have been constantly looking out for and suggesting things for ds2 and also having a conversation with him about why I think it would be good for him to do something. And hurrah, this has paid off and he has now auditioned for youth theatre and will be starting on Tuesday, having had it suggested a year ago. I am glad I waited till he was ready and decided for himself it was something he wanted to do rather than attempting to make him go.

when they're at uni...no one will have a clue if they have a level 3 in violin

Sorry to nit pick but level 3 isn't a club, it's an A Level equivalent, it's like saying no one at uni will have a clue they have a music A Level, it's rather relevant to university courses

This isn't America where such extra curriculars lead to a better university and/or scholarships.

Don’t be daft x

I wonder how many life skills a teenager would actually develop from music or drama lessons. Maybe suggest a part time job if they’re an appropriate age? And without an unlikely amount of natural ability, a teenager who doesn’t want to be there isn’t going to become excellent at those disciplines either.

If it was a battle then it was best to let them drop it; if they had wanted to do it, and had had a decent go, then I think it’s fine.

All my three did music lessons at points. Dd is the only one who kept going through into sixth form with lessons and band. It gave her friendships that still endure and in fact at 23 she has recently joined a new band which is great.

But both lads stopped after a bit. Ds2 did some grades but had stopped enjoying it. He does other things that have brought him a social life. It’s fine. In the long run it makes no difference unless they actually get something out of it, as my examples try to show. Makes no difference for uni or jobs.

One post, two threads- hope you get the DM to buy your sadface article OP!

I'm.thinking the pp means grade 3 which I clearly not A level equivalent, as I'm sure you know @notimetodoit but others may not.