Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is this sort of talk usual between teens?

27 replies

NCScout · 12/09/2024 01:29

DS has a female friend aged 14 who has over messenger has spoken about setting fire /burning down buildings. The first was the house of an ex-school friends of hers and the second time was about a Girl Guide building as she was upset they had asked her to leave due to being non-binary at the time. This event was a couple of years ago but the messages recent. No plans made, just talk (from her).

In total it’s been mentioned 4 or 5 times in messages. For info she is autistic.

Should I be concerned or is this fairly usual? I know of but am not friends with her mum so could let her know it’s happening.

OP posts:
DryBiscuit · 12/09/2024 01:32

What do you reckon?

Original poster
NCScout · 12/09/2024 01:33

Well no, I don’t think it’s usual. DS however thinks she is just joking.

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 12/09/2024 01:34

Guess he better never get on her bad side then or your house will be next.

suburberphobe · 12/09/2024 01:38

Well no, I don’t think it’s usual. DS however thinks she is just joking.

High time you took your son aside and have a serious conversation!

WTF is wrong with you thinking this is an o.k. chat of your son?!

You'll be the one sorting out the shit when it happens.

Original poster
NCScout · 12/09/2024 01:46

I’ve already spoken to him about it and advised him to back away from this friendship. The second messages were in a group chat he is part of and only happened yesterday. He showed me them straight away and is not chatting to her one to one anymore. He didn’t respond to the messages but another boy did.

I guess I’m trying to gauge if there is anything I should be doing about it?

OP posts:
TeenToTwenties · 13/09/2024 07:04

I would be concerned and would want to find a way of making the parents aware, if necessary via school.

StartingANewNameToday · 13/09/2024 07:09

I think it's impossible to say without being privy to the actual messages. Tone, wording and context is everything.

I can imagine some versions where I'd consider it an unsavoury joke and do nothing and some where I'd be reporting it to the police.

Aria20 · 13/09/2024 07:19

School might want to know possible safeguarding so you could try sending screenshot to the form tutor/head of year. I know at my son's secondary school they have had to call certain children (and parents) over inappropriate messages in group chats. I'd advise your son to leave the group chat too so he can't be involved

TeenToTwenties · 13/09/2024 07:24

Aria20 · 13/09/2024 07:19

School might want to know possible safeguarding so you could try sending screenshot to the form tutor/head of year. I know at my son's secondary school they have had to call certain children (and parents) over inappropriate messages in group chats. I'd advise your son to leave the group chat too so he can't be involved

Not to tutor/head of year.
To one of the designated safeguarding leads whivshould be named on the school website

Floralspecscase · 13/09/2024 07:26

I think it's quite usual, but also needs addressing — talking to the girl and/or parents as she sounds unhappy and some kind intervention could prevent her resentment turning to action.

Vettrianofan · 13/09/2024 07:27

I think the police would be interested to hear about all of this.

Mimipoop · 13/09/2024 07:28

Obviously you need to tell the police

Vettrianofan · 13/09/2024 07:28

Possibly they could set up a meeting via school to discuss. Prevent is a fantastic initiative that could be helpful.

Vettrianofan · 13/09/2024 07:29

Prevent

offyoujollywelltrot · 13/09/2024 07:30

No, that is not normal.

ShinyPrettyThings87 · 13/09/2024 07:32

The boy who stabbed the teacher to death spoke about it online and to his friends. Everyone thought it was just idle chat. I'm not sure what I'd do, perhaps ask advice from the non emergency line, but it definitely needs flagged somewhere.

FrothyCothy · 13/09/2024 07:34

Prevent is about terrorism and radicalisation, I’m not sure this is in that category.

I’d just let school know and keep your son at a distance from her OP. It’s highly likely to be teenage hyperbole but at least then you’ve done your duty.

itsalwaysthesame · 13/09/2024 07:41

It's not normal as such but with her being autistic that does blur the lines, my daughter is autistic and says completely inappropriate things quite a lot, teen group chats can be shockingly unpleasant at the best of times. I would speak to your son and if it escalates then raise with the school safeguarding lead. No need to contact the police at this point.

Verityveritas675 · 13/09/2024 07:43

suburberphobe · 12/09/2024 01:38

Well no, I don’t think it’s usual. DS however thinks she is just joking.

High time you took your son aside and have a serious conversation!

WTF is wrong with you thinking this is an o.k. chat of your son?!

You'll be the one sorting out the shit when it happens.

suburberphobe

Why is it necessary to be so rude? Can’t you answer without attacking the op personally?

Greenbike · 13/09/2024 07:45

I don’t think it’s that serious. Probably not normal for a 14yo girl, but if you made a police or Prevent referral every time a teenage boy threatened violence in a chat room the police wouldn’t have time to do anything else. If this was coming from a 16 yo boy with a track record of violence I would take it more seriously. But when was the last time you heard of a 14 yo autistic girl burning down a building? Unless there’s a drip feed and it turns out she’s been beating up children and was caught with a can of petrol, it seems unlikely. I don’t know her and haven’t seen the messages, but it sounds to me like an expression of frustration and anger in the moment, and maybe also a degree of bravado, from a young person who is still working out how to express their emotions properly.

Teenagers talk a lot of crap to each other, and IME you usually shouldn’t take most of it literally, unless you have some specific reason to think a particular issue more serious and credible than normal.

Verityveritas675 · 13/09/2024 07:49

itsalwaysthesame · 13/09/2024 07:41

It's not normal as such but with her being autistic that does blur the lines, my daughter is autistic and says completely inappropriate things quite a lot, teen group chats can be shockingly unpleasant at the best of times. I would speak to your son and if it escalates then raise with the school safeguarding lead. No need to contact the police at this point.

I was just going to say the same thing.

Plus the fact that if this girl is repeating this in the group chats then she obviously needs some sort of help from safeguarding at school because she is angry and unhappy.

soupfiend · 13/09/2024 07:51

Vettrianofan · 13/09/2024 07:28

Possibly they could set up a meeting via school to discuss. Prevent is a fantastic initiative that could be helpful.

Prevent is to 'prevent' radicalisation and extremism which leads to terrorism. How do you think this is appropriate here?

OP, it is usual talk, teens are very dramatic and particularly if she is ASD then she may be unable to explain how they're feeling so can sound very extreme. However, it does need addressing and I would inform the school if you're not close to or know the parents yourself.

Kids do often 'joke' about this sort of thing, as do many adults, it depends on whether she has the means or intent or ability to do something about it and whether she would that you dont really know. It may be just her way of explaining how angry or upset she feels about something and her 'go to' stock phrase

TinaYouFatLard · 13/09/2024 07:59

Very dramatic reactions on here. Sounds like usual shit talk between teenagers.

Vettrianofan · 13/09/2024 08:22

soupfiend · 13/09/2024 07:51

Prevent is to 'prevent' radicalisation and extremism which leads to terrorism. How do you think this is appropriate here?

OP, it is usual talk, teens are very dramatic and particularly if she is ASD then she may be unable to explain how they're feeling so can sound very extreme. However, it does need addressing and I would inform the school if you're not close to or know the parents yourself.

Kids do often 'joke' about this sort of thing, as do many adults, it depends on whether she has the means or intent or ability to do something about it and whether she would that you dont really know. It may be just her way of explaining how angry or upset she feels about something and her 'go to' stock phrase

Show quote history

It can escalate with teenagers really quickly, actually. What may seem innocent can then get out of hand in terms of what is discussed online.

soupfiend · 13/09/2024 08:30

Prevent is about radicalisation and extremism. Tell me again where there seems evidence of this?

I have worked with Prevent quite closely with a number of children and attend their panels where interventions are discussed and it has been successful for young people who are at risk of radicalisation and causing terrorism, but this is not (on the basis of what OP says) one of those situation.

It needs addressing but Prevent is not the mechanism for this

I cant tell you the amount of inappropriate referrals schools make because they refer things like this in. The referrals are laughable at times.