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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Out of my depth!! Please help!

8 replies

redhen1975 · 09/09/2024 09:40

Hi there
First post so please do bear with me! Its complicated and a long post. I am at a complete loss and exhausted ..!!
Background ......

  • I have a 14-year-old daughter who has just gone into Year 10 at school. Low self-esteem, self-conscious, hates confrontation, will not be assertive. Flies off the handle if I try and approach any subject with her that suggests she needs to take control and set boundaries.
  • She has two best girlfriends ( BF 1 & BF 2) and a boyfriend ( who is 15 years) of around 3 months ( all appears to be going well with them.) BF1 was the first best friend and BF2 has now become the main best friend.
  • Before the boyfriend DD had some probs with BF1 in that she was leaving her to join other kids in the lower year group at break and lunch so now DD and BF2 have linked up and become pretty much inseparable.
  • BF1 now feels very left out but can be very manipulative and talks about DD behind her back to the boyfriend!
  • BF2 has been literally now joined to my DD at the hip for around a year and this is making a bigger impact on the relationship with BF1 and my DD. They just don’t see each other anymore.
  • Boyfriend comes along in June 2024 - both DD and he are very well suited, love the same things and head over heels.
The issue....
  • Summer hols start and BF2 then starts getting jealous of DD relationship with the boyfriend.
  • DD sorted that out she tells me, but in fact has accommodated BF2 all through the summer even to the point where DD is inviting BF2 to every date that she goes on with the boyfriend... he hasn't appeared to have minded, but pretty sure he is getting a bit fed up with it and some cracks have started to show a bit this weekend. He has declined a meet up (with my DD and BF2) and although has been in touch with my DD via text and calls – I feel something has changed.
  • BF2 is constantly around our house. She comes every morning, often comes after school and is with my DD both days of the weekend. This weekend she stayed over and was with my DD from midday Saturday until when I had to make the decision for her to leave at 3pm Sunday!! This happens most weekends.
  • I feed BF2 often, give her lifts ( this is now going to stop) and its causing unrest in our house.
  • DD has started to eat very unhealthily and is not eating proper meals (due to constantly being with the BF2 all time who appears to be let to do anything she wants and when she wants, isn’t there for family meals either)
  • DD doesn't want to lose any of her friends and certainly not her boyfriend. She is trying to make the two friends happy in the main (much to the confusion of her boyfriend who doesn't get it!!) and cannot choose between them, however I can see that DD is compromising her happiness with her boyfriend as she is scared of losing BF2.
  • BF1 hates BF2 with a passion now and doesn't socialise at all with DD anymore. She feels really left out. She has told her this so many times, but DD just appeases her with nice words.
  • I am going out of my mind trying to convince my DD to be assertive and set boundaries. Certainly, with BF2 as she is taking over DD life and to some extent ours as a family!
  • How on earth do I approach this without causing a huge issue with my DD? She does talk to me and we have a very open relationship, however I can see her struggling with this and she is holding back a lot from me as she doesn’t want to confront it.
So…… Do I speak to school? Do I just leave it for her to work out and let her make the BIG mistake? I feel if I do this then she will just completely collapse. Do I intervene in an appropriate way?

HELP!!!

OP posts:
FacingTheWall · 09/09/2024 10:03

You leave her to work it out herself, whilst at the same time setting boundaries about how it’s affecting you and your home life. I try to say to my kids, do you want me to help or just to listen, if they’re telling me about teen dramas. I’m a ‘fixer’ and find it hard to back off but my dd especially doesn’t appreciate this at all so this approach keeps the peace.

longdistanceclaraclara · 09/09/2024 10:10

Good grief, no don't speak to the school. Step back and let them figure it out themselves.

CountingCrones · 09/09/2024 10:14

Please don’t get involved. You can advise your daughter about setting boundaries, but ultimately this is something she needs to work out for herself.

Negotiating relationships is something we learn that is at least as important as the stuff at school. You need to let her learn, not jump in and try to forestall any issues.

Seeline · 09/09/2024 10:17

Don't step in, but I would stop enabling DF2 quite so much.
I think it is reasonable to say she can only come over 1 day at the weekend for example.

NewtonsCradle · 09/09/2024 10:20

I think your daughter will struggle to set boundaries as she's basically a hostage at this point. My sister behaved a lot like BF2 when she was a teenager, the only thing that worked was when her friend's dad declared that Sunday was a "family day" so there were to be no visits, phone calls etc from her on Sundays. My sister was furious but it worked!
In your situation I think it might be worth saying no weekend visits or phone calls from BF2 and then encouraging your daughter to ask BF1 to visit. Is it possible your daughter might be putting distance between herself and her boyfriend deliberately? I'd take your daughter's lead on how to proceed with that relationship, maybe she wants to offload him onto BF2.

Original poster
redhen1975 · 09/09/2024 10:37

Thanks all

OP posts:
Original poster
redhen1975 · 09/09/2024 10:38

Yep my thinking now exactly. Its getting far too much now and affecting our family life.

OP posts:
Original poster
redhen1975 · 09/09/2024 10:39

NewtonsCradle · 09/09/2024 10:20

I think your daughter will struggle to set boundaries as she's basically a hostage at this point. My sister behaved a lot like BF2 when she was a teenager, the only thing that worked was when her friend's dad declared that Sunday was a "family day" so there were to be no visits, phone calls etc from her on Sundays. My sister was furious but it worked!
In your situation I think it might be worth saying no weekend visits or phone calls from BF2 and then encouraging your daughter to ask BF1 to visit. Is it possible your daughter might be putting distance between herself and her boyfriend deliberately? I'd take your daughter's lead on how to proceed with that relationship, maybe she wants to offload him onto BF2.

Thanks for the advice. She has been hurt before by her previous boyfriend so I know that she might be doing this, however, I have tried to help her to understand what is different between the previous boy and this one. She loves this one and its very different and she recognises that, so she wouldn't be trying to offload him. I just find it kind of sad that she accepts that is what she has to do to keep the peace for all. At her own happiness sake. She is being manipulated by both friends.

OP posts:
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