Transition to college

[Kelly73]

Hi
What do you do when your older teen is struggling with something?
dd is struggling with the transition to college and we’ve chatted about this. We’ve spoken about strategies to help and that all transitions in life are tricky. Most of the time she is fine and yesterday was really positive, making plans and speaking in a mature manner about it all. Today she’s woken up obviously feeling more anxious and unhappy and we’ve had a silent Sunday lunch. I asked informally if she was ok and she just nodded. She’s now retreated upstairs.
At times I can be way too sensitive and I sometimes feel as if I ‘feed her anxiety.’ So I’m trying to be calm and not feel her mood but worry I’m not doing the right thing. She knows we are here for her and she often chats about her feelings- she can be a bit of an over sharer to be honest!
I know college transition is hard for her, wonder if she’s a bit peeved as I haven’t offered to take her to college tomorrow abd have said she needs to get the bus. She has known she will have the long bus journey since she applied to this particular college. I ‘could’ take her but it would mean I’m rushing to my first meeting of the day and she has no option but to get the bus home and use it for the rest of the week. Again I’ve usually inconvenienced myself but think now she’s 16 she needs to sometimes do things she doesn’t want to.

Hi, has she actually stared college yet, or is is anxiety of what she thinks it will be like?

My DD has had a few bumpy days starting a new 6th form but this is based on her experience there over a few days.

Hi,

As this was post a few days ago I assume she has started now? If she did, how did it go?

I just wanted to say that my DD was exactly the same when she made the transition from school to college. She was so nervous as none of her friends were going to her chosen college either so she was arriving there without knowing anyone which added to her anxiety. I also 'could' have driven her in for her first day but actually didn't and she took the bus. I worried about her all day long and she came home and she had actually had a good day. Said everyone on her courses were nice and she had hung out with a couple of girls on her courses that didn't know anyone else either. Fast forward to the end of her first week and she was much happier. The friends she made in that first week became her besties through college and they became firm friends going out on weekends together, having sleepovers, going to festivals and pubs (when they became of age during the 2nd year) and she had a blast.

I am sure your DD will settle in and 'find her people' and it won't be half as scary as she thinks it will be.

Yes she’s had a few days of going now- been able to manage the bus which is a real positive.
i think it’s still early days and she’s a bit stressed by all the change which is understandable. I keep telling her that new things take time and I think she’s trying to be positive.
Thank you for your positive stories, they really help!

I'm so glad she is managing the bus and yes, it will take some time for her to settle. Handling change is difficult. Getting used to new places, new people, new routines are all tough. Some take it in their stride and others like your DD and mine, don't and take a little more time to feel comfortable and at ease. But I think, as each day/week passes, she will get used to it and feel less and less stressed by it all. That is certainly what happened with my DD. Finger crossed it will for yours too. So hang in there, I am sure it will continue to get better.

I am about to go through it all again as she goes off to Uni on Saturday. So we are going through it all again! The apprehension, the anxiety of the unknown, but I am trying to stay positive that she will find her feet.

Not a great day! She obviously couldn’t hold her thoughts any longer and we had a bit of an upset.
Think she likes the college itself and the freedoms it offers but she’s really struggling socially. She says no one talks during lessons and no one sits next to her. She feels there’s no one who is what she wants in a friend 🙈 I’ve tried to explain that you just need to talk to everyone and be friendly and then you find out abput people properly. I told her toy how does she k ow there isn’t a person there with the same taste in music, books etc if she doesn’t take the time to find out. I suggested it’s surely better to have loads of people to. She is sticking to a group of people she knows from school at lunch but she says it just makes her feel more lonely as they are all good friends and spend time together socially and she isn’t part of it.
crikey… not quite sure how I navigate this other than turning to gin.
no extra curricular clubs up and running yet so that’s not an option yet. Take me back to the toddler years please!

Oh im sorry to hear that she has not had a good day but the positives are that she likes the college and that she has been open with you.

You are absolutely right I think to tell her that she needs to give people time and not judge people immediately. She may find that those people that she doesn't think are her type of person actually might be and she needs to get to know them a little more. My DD was pretty shy and I had to encourage her to try and make conversation with people and push herself out of her comfort zone. The friendships came and then those new friends introduced her to more people and then it just went from there. I am sure she will find people to connect with if she puts herself out there a bit. But its not even been a week yet so she needs to give it time.

It is so hard watching our kids take new steps and experience new things as a teen/young adult and sometimes I wish I could have done it for her. All we can do is listen to them, encourage them and try and get them to stay positive. Hopefully she will soon find her tribe. xx

@Lulubellamozarella thank you so much.
i think she has ‘trust issues’ after bullying from one of her friendship group when she was younger. This child was someone we welcomed into our home on a regular basis and she not only bullied Dd but managed to turn others against her. She was always a quieter child but never like she is now. Her dad and I see another side and she is just like she was in her younger days. I just wish she felt able to be her true self around her peers.

@Kelly73 oh bless her. I am not surprised that she finds it a bit difficult to trust new people. That sounds horrible. And difficult for us as parents to witness and you just wish sometimes that our kids could see themselves through our eyes. I think all you can do really is keep encouraging her to let her guard down and try and make steps towards connecting with new people. Even if its just some eye contact or smiling at someone. One thing that helped my DD was being put into small groups to work on projects or assignments on her course. They then have to work together and this helps them to start chatting and getting to know one another. Hopefully something like this may happen and encourage her to start getting to know people on her course. As time goes on she might find herself gravitating towards a new group or particular person and hopefully those new friendships will follow. xx

Oh I really feel for your DD, and you.

My DD has been at her new 6th form just over a week now. First day was all exciting and new, then a couple more days on she said similar things to your DD about trying to connect with people. Because she is going to an existing (much bigger co ed) school there are very established friend groups, but with more than 100 external students, still plenty of new people to bond with. She had a couple of bad days when I got texts at work saying she wanted to leave and come home because no one was talking to her.

It turned out they were all sent to a large hall for free periods, and when she had a free without anyone familiar (she does know people, just not her closest friends) no one welcomed her to sit with them, so she felt alone. We talked through the tears, she has changed one of her subjects and has a group of people who are budding friends. I could only advise her to take it slowly, not to try and find a best friend immediately and do as much homework as she can in her free periods if there is no one familiar around her.

Two days on she is much better. She is hanging around with a new group of boys and girls from another external school who sound lovely and kind. She is also focusing a lot on her subjects and has now signed up to enrichment things like mentoring younger students so is very positive about doing that.

I just want her to try and be ok if she is on her own for any reason and have the confidence to ignore unkind people and do her own thing. Easier said than done when you are 16 though. Getting used to moving from an environment where everyone knows her and respects her to one where is is one of hundreds of students, and no one knows her has been a shock, but an experience I believe will help her in the future, especially if she goes to uni in 2 years.

I hope your DD has better days soon, can she sign up for anything enrichment wise which might distract her?

@bluefineliner
It’s really annoying as the lunchtime clubs haven’t started yet. One of the reasons for her picking this college was the extra curricular stuff it offered so I’m hoping she can get herself to some of the clubs as they sound ideal for her interests.
It is strangely reassuring to hear it isn’t just us going through a tricky time and I hope your daughter continues to have positivity in her day.
She did speak to her dad last night while I was out and it appears he got a much more positive take on matters so perhaps she just saves her dire negativity and drama for me!