Sadness for end of teen relationship

[Kirsty759]

Hello Fellow Mammas,

Looking for support or words of wisdom really. My daughter is on the cusp of ending her first 'proper' relationship with her boyfriend. They are both 15. She seems to be in control of the situation and is the one wanting to call time on it. I have been left somewhat bewildered at my own response, which is one of absolutely wretched disappointment and sadness. I have become very fond of her boyfriend, and I feel so sorry for him that she wants to end it. The feeling is not mutual and he remains very keen.

I know of course my priority is to my daughter. She is kind and thoughtful and lovely, and is trying to work out the kindest way to do this as she doesn't want to hurt him. But she is finding they are too different (he is very quiet, she is not) and want to do to different things in their spare time (she wants to go out and 'do' things, he wants to stay home and chill etc), and ultimately she just isn't 'into him' that much anymore.

Has anyone else experienced this sadness, even when their child has been in the driving seat? Although I think she will be down about it for a while, she is not going to be crushed. I am so worried he is going to be badly affected, and I'm also sad that I won't really see him again as he's a lovely lad.

I keep giving myself a good talking to, telling myself I am being ridiculous etc, but the pain and hurt on his behalf is quite palpable.

I am keeping my counsel with my daughter of course - it is fully her decision and I respect that 100%. I am not showing her I am sad.

Kirsty.

Yes, I remember that feeling. I fell in love with each of my children’s girlfriends/boyfriends and was very sad when the relationships ended.
I needed to reflect on why, what did the break up signify and work on my fears and insecurities regarding coupledom vs single life.
But, I still need to work on this, my 40 yr old dd is breaking up with her partner (and I understand why) yet I took it very very hard.

It’s really difficult. Mine have had partners who they’ve been with for years and become part of the family, joined us for holidays and Christmas etc. Then one day they’ll just announce they’ve split up and you know you’ll never see them again or get to say goodbye. It can be very sad (not for all, there are some I was glad to see the back of).

You’re not being ridiculous, you like the boy —but you’re absolutely right that it’s a set of feelings to keep to yourself/ explore in therapy/ write in your diary/talk through with friends, not share with your DD.

Also, honestly, I’d be delighted in your shoes. Exclusive relationships are so restricting at that age, and I’d hate to see a lively girl whose impulse is to head out and explore the world limited by a boyfriend who just wants to stay at home. Good call, your DD.

Yes, @Kirsty759 , I can relate. My DD's boyfriend (both 16) broke up with her recently after 18 months together. I felt the way you do: very sad. I liked him a lot and, while he broke up with her gently, he did it at a time that coincided with a family bereavement so it was extra painful for her. So while I expected them to break up at some point, the moment he chose for the breakup made me change my opinion of him somewhat (not completely rationally, I know, but I'm her mother).

All in all I agree with @Ardrahan : at this age, such serious relationships are restricting, as they are all so young and should be experiencing a lot of things. There is time for serious relationships later on. Now, several weeks later, I think my DD will be ok, and so will the boy. They are growing up and changing - of course they are! - and should not be expected to stay with their first serious boyfriend/girlfriend. It is great if they have good memories of their first love.

I can relate as well. I have welcomed anyone that DD has brought home, fed them, put them up for the night. A couple felt like extended family members, then that was that.

Oh gosh I completely understand. My DDs long term relationship broke down and I was heartbroken for the both of them. I had to examine my own feelings about why I felt so sad about it. I came to the conclusion it brought back memories of my own teenage heartbreak which was incredibly painful and also I'm peri so overly emotional! I'm still sad about it a few months on but only because I really liked the boy and he treated my DD so well & they shared so many good times together. Give it a few weeks and you'll be fine.

It’s awful, OP. We welcome these youngsters into our homes, feed them, chat, laugh and the next thing they’re gone. I was so upset the first time it happened. You’re not alone, we’d have to be heartless not to feel some pain and loss.

Thank you all for you kindness and compassion. It is reassuring to know I'm not alone in feeling this sadness. I have 3 daughters and this is the first time one has had a boyfriend - so this is all new to me. I'm not sure I can cope with going through these emotions time and time again. I'm not sure if it's mainly 'him' and he's a lovely lad who I think is quite vulnerable (SEND, parents' separated etc) or whether I'll be like this regardless. I guess if he was an arrogant idiot I'd be cheering her on!

I also suspect my age and perimenopause is adding to the emotions - thanks for those who mentioned that as maybe I need my HRT adjusting also.

Thanks again to all of you for replying to me and sharing your experiences.

K

Hi mama
I’m going through this now -DD is 14 and has just had her first proper boyfriend he’s 14 too.

she chased him first I think lovebombing him - they wrote the most wonderful letters to each other as he doesn’t hsve a phone and they would see each other once a week and pass letters at their club they go to and met at.
it was adorable ,so innocent and sweet - always trying to see each other on extra dates excited each week to see each she other and pass letters and try sneak a hug.

He walked her home to me one day and she’d discussed maybe they would have their first kiss (first kiss for both of them) it didn’t happen but they were both smiley faced as they met me 😊❤️she said now confortable and safe she felt with him.
He was kind sweet ,thoughtful ,polite ,respectful and every other thing you’d want for your daughter.
He made one mistake - another girl mentioned why was he sad one day and was he having his period too like his gf (she’s also goes to the club they go to ) and he asked my daughter and fell she went off on one - and long story short she ended it.
I’m gutted I’m sad I feel like I’m grieving!!! My daughters flippant and just said she couldnt deal with his lovebombing and his constant messaging (they found a way to mail each other ) her mail was blunt and I’ve had to have a talk with her about peoples feelings and that one day she’s going to be on the receiving end.
Hes gutted and crying and everything else but said he will step back because all he wants is for her to be happy and respects her choice 🥺❤️ he’s fostered and going to a new foster anytime and moving school(to her school!) and everything else in between so her timing is terrible and she was his rock right now - I feel so sad for him 🥺
so I feel you mama I don’t know why we are so sad maybe we are empaths and feel other people’s pain? For me I was happy she’d found someone who treated her like she deserves - he truly worshipped her.
This all has only just happened and I dunno if it’s my age (menopause ) or wether it goes beck to past experienced I’ve had - who knows but I’m trying to work my way through this and support her in a good healthy way !
Glad to know I’m not the only one !!
take care mama

It can be really upsetting and actually worse when it's your child being broken up with as you also have to deal with a heeartbroken teenager. Not the easiest....

Hi!

Ah, I am sorry you are going through this. If it helps, it does of course ease and time heals much. My daughter’s ex has since been out with two other girls and seems to be in a better place, whereas my daughter hasn’t dated since. The break up was awful but we got through it.

I think you are right that in part it affects us so much because we are empaths, and we also come to care about the boys very much. It seems natural to me to care about these lads whom our daughters adore, even rationally knowing it won’t be forever.

I also felt a little uncomfortable with how my daughter handled it, but then I have to remember she was only young and we all learn by doing - I suspect next time she might take a bit of a different approach, and that is all part of growing up.

I hope you and your daughter’s ex can move through this quickly. Sending sympathetic hugs x