Son turned against me after break up with their dad

[OneRubyBird]

Hi first time posting on here I'm currently separated from my husband after 20 years relationship 14 years of marriage, my marriage was abusive physically emotionally financially and mentally aswell as cheating its been over a year now since we split, my oldest child nearly 19yrM has suddenly decided the sun shines out his dad's behind after years of being bullied by his dad and virtually ignored now he barely wants to see me or speak to me he hates that I've moved on and he feels sorry for his dad yet when he wants money or lifts somewhere he rings me im constantly in tears because me and my son have always been close, he knew about my new partner and was absolutely fine with it he'd go out for drinks with him ask my new BF to lend him money and got on well until his dad found out I was with someone. Now my son rarely comes to see me but I'm always there for him if he does come up he has a stinking attitude with me which infuriates my BF my 2 younger children get on with with my BF but my oldest now has done a complete 180 on me and dad's the best thing ever, our son was beaten up by bullies and his dad wouldn't even get up off the sofa he's lazy they live like pigs he never does anything with any of our kids blows his money on crap so they always come to me if they need anything ( I'm their mum so I'm not complaining) my oldest son and his dad never got along until recently because his dad can no longer control and manipulate me he's doing to him instead and now it's like I don't even exist unless I'm dishing out money I don't know what to do anymore I'm constantly crying it's absolutely killing me I've always put my kids first I chose to move on because my husband had plenty of chances to change his behaviour and didn't and therefore I was in a very unhappy marriage now I'm happy and suddenly I'm the bad person , what do I do I can't lose my relationship with my son my life wouldn't be worth living if that happened please advise

I have a DS of a similar age and I can only begin to imagine how much be hurting.

But as much as he is your DS, he's an adult too and if he's making choices to live away from you, he also needs to be financially independent.

I would tell him next time he comes over that you love him very much and you respect his decision to live with his Dad but he has to stop being rude to you. He's a grown up and grownups aren't nasty to their Parents.

Then if he asks for money have a few stock answers ready, like you're really sorry but you've had some big bills in, or you've done your budget and with the fuel going up you're going to be a bit short yourself.

I have said all this to him and some of my friends have also had words with him this whole things just hurts because he saw how his dad treat me my own mother in law and grandmother in law told me to leave their son because of the way he treat me. I surmise that he prefers to stay with his dad because their he can do what he likes stay in bed all day and his dad is that lazy he's got him doing all the house work my younger children have no stability at their dads neither if they want to stay awake til 3 4am in the morning on a school night he let's them they don't have showers or baths when they are with their dad so always comes back to me stinking. My oldest though has completely just changed his attitude with me, I tool care of them all these years if it weren't for me they wouldn't have got for Xmas or birthdays because he would never put his hand in his pocket for any of it I worked 7 days a week 5 days at one job weekends un a pub just to keep us he made double I do but blew the lot even when I caught him cheating for the last time before we split he blamed it on the oldest son yet my oldest thinks the sun shines out of his dad's behind its hurtful and stressful

In time he will probably realise but for now I would stop any money you're giving him as it's just funding his laziness.

How often do the younger DC stay with your Ex?

I'm so sorry to read this OP, your heart must be breaking. It's my worst nightmare, and as I'm splitting up with my husband now, it's what I worry about constantly.

I guess the only thing you can do is hold tight and hope that your son eventually works out for himself that his dad is a waster. I can't imagine he'll enjoy doing all the housework for long!

Don't change your attitude though, if he's rude to you, pull him up on it like you'd always do. Be consistent, show him that you haven't changed, you're still the same old mum that loves him but won't take shit off him.

Is there someone you can talk to about the younger kids? They sound like they're being neglected at his house? Maybe talk to someone at their school, a teacher, about it?

“Is there someone you can talk to about the younger kids? They sound like they're being neglected at his house? Maybe talk to someone at their school, a teacher, about it?”

what would they do about it?
in my experience no amount of bad behaviour (unless he leaves marks on them physically) from a non-resident dad towards his children will result in anything other than an accusation of “parental alienation” being made against the resident mother.

I think there are some separate things here.

With your son - teens can be so selfish - I would try to have some really clear boundaries - tell him you love him but that he needs to be kind and respectful when with you. He will just have to grow up in time and see what matters.

The younger children being kept up til 3am? I would speak to their school - can they help? Can you do an early help referral to SS and ask them to speak to dad?

Could you stop sending them there in the week?

Its very painful but your son is an adult now - and in the end we can only control ourselves not other adults.

“Can you do an early help referral to SS and ask them to speak to dad?

Could you stop sending them there in the week?

If there’s a contact order in place and the mother doesn’t send them she will be really escalating things.

If SS get involved it will be the children’s word against the father’s. In my experience SS will take his word over theirs, and will not want to intervene unless he is leaving marks on them physically.

This course of action also opens the mother up to accusations of “parental alienation” and then SS WILL come down on her like a ton of bricks. She could be opening up a can of worms for herself.

Thank you for your replies, I just want to let yous know that even though my ex is a lazy parent he has never and never would( coz I'd make him suffer) physically hurt them he's not like that tbh he just has to raise his voice and they do as they are told for him, he's a master manipulator, I worked out a schedule for the younger ones so we each have them 2 days on 2 so for example I had them yesterday and have them today after school tomorrow they will go to their dads and come back to me Friday until Monday, so Monday tue with me Wed n thur with him Fri sat Sun-me then next week will be the opposite way round I felt that was a fair way to do it and it meant he wouldn't need to give me maintenance I told him you pay for them when they are with you I'll pay for them when they are with me if that makes sense. They are all old enough to take care of their hygiene as the 2 younger ones are 15 and 12 but when they are with me I don't give them a choice whereas him he doesn't brush his own teeth so making his children do it is hardly his priority but when they are with me it's showers everynight teeth done twice a day fresh bedding everytime they come etc etc just a pain when they come to me as they are always tired because they are just left to do as they please down there me I take their phones off them if they don't go to sleep when they are told too given their ages I'm reasonable on their bed times for school I'm more laid back during weekends.
It's like the holidays though their dad has done nothing with them at all I have and yet it's not dad's fault, he earns 2k+ per month more than double I do but he can't even take them 20 mins down to the road to the beach which is 20 mins walking distance he's hacky lazy, it's just so frustrating because my oldest hated him last year now hes got him on a pedestal. Obviously I don't want him to hate his dad and I've always tried to get them to have a relationship so I'm happy they do now but I know my husband and he plays the victim in everything and guilt trips the kids so he's been making my oldest feel bad for speaking to me because his ego is hurt because I finally walked away from his abusive arse. I have also spoke to the school and gave them a schedule of when they are with me and when they with him so if they are tired or late for school they will know which parent to contact. Their dad doesn't even know who their teachers are I took care of everything and still do so the school ring me if there's any issues luckily my kids are always open about these things so if school have any concerns and speak to my kids they will tell them up to now nothing had came up because I always double check they have what they need and have got to school okay even if it's on his days. Now the ex is just being a dick because he's refusing to give permission to take the younger 2 on holiday but I know his family will get him told on that so I'm not to concerned. I'm just abit exhausted with it all and feeling hurt and forgotten about by my oldest atm 😞

I want to also add I'd never alienate the kids from their dad ever but I'm also not going to stand back and allow him to just let them go to school minging on his days I spoke to him a few weeks ago and told him he needed to buy them new underwear and socks for his home aswell as tooth brushes and toiletries for his home as I have all that at my home but the kids said they have nothing like that there from what I was told he did that but that's the problem he has to be told these things it's annoying. I'm lucky that I have a great relationship with my mother in law and even though me and her son aren't together if she feels he is in the wrong for anything she will say something she's fully aware what he's like. As per usual I feel like I'm also doing his job n he gets away with the responsibility 🙄

It’s clear to see what’s going on here - your ex is emotionally manipulating your son. My dad did similar when my parents got divorced (although my mum’s behaviour was also deeply problematic). It only works for a period of time so rest assured that your son will come to see your ex for who he is in due course. It’s hard but just tell him you will be there for him if he needs you, don’t give him cash and tell yourself that it will pass. Your other kids are 12 and 15. If they don’t want to go to their dads then don’t send them unless you have a court order. They’re too old for him to take you to court - the court will be guided by what they want at their ages. Stop giving this vile man any more headspace and be thankful that you got out of that relationship at last. Let him cry and sulk.

I know I'm so sorry for having a moan we've been split up over a year now but with him he knows he can't control and manipulate me so he does it through them by crying and making them feel guilty, they like to see their dad, their dad is in our family home as when we split he refuse to leave his words were either stay with me or you can leave so I left he also has everything I took only clothes and photos and few personal bits, he got all the furniture everything etc he kept the dog for a while until I found a new house but kept me from seeing the dog took my keys away ( even though I was still paying the bills at that home whilst living on my mothers sofa) until one day I just walked in saw that he was seriously neglecting the dog grabbed his lead and took him and he's never saw our dog again happy to say my dog is happy and healthy now it's just been a long emotional process n I guess I'm just letting myself get stressed over things I can't change I just wish he'd stop playing the victim and start actually doing his part properly he should really be grateful that I haven't told people what he's done to me over the years or even got him done for the neglect of our dog I just took the dog away paid for treatment and never let him go back, my kids are happy and healthy I just wish he'd do his part sorry for moaning and thank all of you for your responses

You're right though, he is never going to change and you did the right thing by leaving