Desperately looking for advice

[Mum2one17]

( I had posted on parents new to this seems teens board more appropriate) Apologies in advance for long post! 10 weeks ago my 17 year old and I come to blows, over nothing too major, the usual teen stuff, lazy, no drive, little ambition and lies. He can be very self righteous, I explained to him, If you don’t want to continue with college fine, if you don’t want and apprenticeship fine, however until you know what you want to do you need to contribute you don’t get the option to bum around all day. This didn’t go down well at all. I believe he also has a weed addiction, we stopped some time ago providing him with money, I’m not enabling that habit. He’s become withdrawn, a bit scruffy didn’t give a crap about out boundaries, we offered him every bit of support, understanding And guidance possible. Anyways back to the falling out, he hit the roof and asked for his dads contact details, a man that wasn’t allowed to see him and 9 years had passed, it was the last thing I wanted so yet again with my husband’s support a man he’s called dad since he was 3, said give him the opportunity to come home and talk to us, I did and he rejected it. So off he went, I dropped all his stuff off and he was cold detached and said he didn’t want to see me again! His real dad is abusive, violent drugs taker who has never worked, I was heartbroken, then I was his with a claim from child maintenance ( never had a penny from him) and found out my son was dealing weed and galavanting around with his dad zero boundaries! Well after 5 weeks his dad asked him to leave said he doesn’t want the responsibility, so he’s moved to his nanas, who apparently set some boundaries such as no weed, no coming in late etc, I get this information from another relative! All the while I’ve been sending him very nice messages saying let’s go for a walk, always here for you etc, and we’re face with nothing, it’s like I’m dead to him! I’m so sorry for the lengthy post, I’m just devastated and desperate for advice. I love him with all my heart he’s my only child .

So you say that 10 weeks ago you came to blows.

So there was a physical fight?

In which case he was probably sensible to move out so that both of you could have some cooling off time and reflect on the situation.

He's been to his dad's and been thrown out, he's now at his nana's.

Any messages from you saying that you'll always be there for him etc will probably be ignored given the fight.

Give it time.

All teenagers grow up, and it's not normally worth coming to blows about it.

He knows you're there. Don't panic. His Nan may be the right place for him right now as that generation know how to lay down the law and that's what he needs. Enjoy the peace and quiet while he is away and don't go after him. Pretend your fine with the situation and send him cheery messages asking how he is doing. If you have other children you may be best having him out of the house for now. This is not the end of the story. Don't buy in to his drama. Step back. If there is a local support group for mom's with kids taking drugs go there for support.

Hi, thank you for responding, no physical fight, a disagreement and it happened via text unfortunately.

My brother started drinking age 14 and only stopped after he was sent to prison age 18 for grievous body harm (whist drunk). Got out of prison and didn't properly calmed down until about 30. My mum never gave up on him. My brother has been sober for 20 years now. He wasted so much time (and brain cells) on booze and cigarettes that he never worked in a decent job. He works as a casual labourer now, earns enough to support himself, lives in a small place he got with mum's inheritance. My mum and brother properly reconciled after he stopped drinking. I used to look down on my brother but stopped long time ago, we have a good relationship now, chat once a month as a minimum. It's his life and he is reasonably happy. I think your son needs to make his own mistakes before coming on the other side. Not everyone is born to be a law-abiding model citizen. Please believe in your son, this is what he needs. Have you consider contacting a family therapist? None existed where I used to live 20 years ago

Thank you, no other children he’s my only one, I’m heartbroken, this feels so final.

Thank you, I’ve been sending home lovely messages every few days or so, he reads them but nothing back, I believe in him so much, and I feel repairable, I worry that it’s going to get worse before better, I don’t want want perfect just a happy healthy kind son, I’m currently in therapy, and would offer him any support he needed, he was spiralling a little while ago due to past events, walls up and wouldn’t let us help .

At 14 ds chose to stay with his df full time. He was allowed drink, drugs and sex there.. I woman who would choose the house with boundaries?? A year later ds can back. Went nc with his df and knuckles down to school and got into the army . Steo away ime. Leave him to it... He'll be back..

I’m so happy you had a positive outcome and your son is doing well! I can only hope for the same, can I ask in that year your son was away, did you see him? Message him etc

I sent a couple of generic messages... Happy birthday.. Happy easter.. Sent no gifts or money! Dc - especially boys ime take texts as nagging!! Act like you accept his decision.. And let him live with it until he sees sense...

A lot of people have been saying exactly this, I suppose I’m going from my own experience with my parents, they didn’t want me and all I would of wanted was for them to try they didn’t! I would hate to think he thinks I don’t want him! More of a me issue though! He’s had a gorgeous upbringing I only hope he remembers it.

I think you are doing the right things OP and hopefully he will come back to you. He knows deep down you love him and you want the best for him.

Thank you, I really hope so! I’ll wait forever for him

You are doing the right thing. Keep reinforcing your love and that the door is always open. This horrible phase will pass eventually but he really needs a new circle of friends, a new direction such as another college course, a part time job and something to work towards like driving lessons or a trip.
Smoking weed isn't the end of the world but selling it is a big no no and you don't want him getting involved in selling anything harder.
He is at a crossroads where he could mature and turn things around or wallow further into the dead end.
What motivates him? What carrots can you dangle? What would get him on a better path?

Thank you, it’s such a rocky path, we’ve tried all sorts Tbh, when he doesn’t get his way he’ll argue his point call you controlling etc, eg back in April for his birthday he wanted a motorbike, we tried to compromise with a moped wasn’t good enough so he went without, we eventually compromised in driving lessons, unfortunately they never happened due to him leaving! At the moment I think weed is all that motivates him, he’s had jobs so has it in him, I’ve heard today he plans to go back to college and complete his level 3 so hopefully that happens, I’m gutted I’m missing out on his life.

This is not final. He will be back. I could bet my money on it. Its good you are in therapy as it gives you a change to offload and gather your thoughts. We had a bad run with our ds at 17/ 18 but his life is turned around now and he is doing well. Its great he is going to school and any little plan is a step forward when weed is involved. It really makes them lose interest in everything and everyone one. Underneath he knows you love him.

I hope you’re right, and down the line I have some positive news, atm I just can’t see the wood for the trees it’s torture, I hope he finds his way, for now I just have to leave him and focus on me and my husband he’s also devastated!

Well here I am 1 month on and ziltch, the feeling is overwhelming, how on earth can I resolve this, it’s breaking me, I’m in pretend mode, my only child has completely cut me off, it’s torture, I think I’d have more understanding if I had done something wrong, I’ve spent days hours thinking about what I could of done better, knowing he’s cut everyone off all the people who love him.