My DD was in an abusive controlling relationship and finding it hard to adjust to "normal "

[mumofblu]

My DD was in a controlling abusive relationship from age of 13 to 16 . It was a relationship of many lows and highs and she recognises she was trauma bonded and trying to fix the bf by accepting his abuse to her because his home life was so bad there was a lot of controlling and aggression . Now she's 17 and dating a lad who is very calm and nice to her , he's not needy or dramatic, he doesn't put on her and gives her space , he's respectful and kind . My DD says she doesn't feel "love" for him like she did the last bf . She's doing things with new bf like parties and cinema , going out in groups . All the things she didn't do with old bf . She says she should be happy but misses the old bf and doesn't feel she'll ever love another like him . Anything I can do ? I know she's young and every chance to meet other boys but I am concerned she expects relationships to be dramatic because of her first relationship.

The best thing you can do is get her some therapy, to be honest.

She did agree to therapy but then refused after1 session saying she didn't want to talk about her past relationship. I tried but I don't think she's ready .

Has she done the Freedom Program? If she was posting herself that would usually be the first thing suggested

You're right to be worried, I have a friend who had this exact experience and has not been able to have a normal relationship since. Only seeks drama, as when you're in an abusive relationships, it's such an amazing relief and rush of love when they for one minute treat you normally. You don't get that when someone is nice and normal all the time.

If she's refusing therapy, maybe she would agree to read up on trauma bond? www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/trauma-bonding

@PolaroidPrincess
it was the freedom programme she started but didn't want to continue .

@DecafDodger
Exactly this , she misses the thrill of his attention , the archetypal bad boy who made her feel special .

I was your DD (to an extent).

1. good she's emotionally mature enough to differentiate the experiences

2. from my experience, my association of drama = love is rooted in my childhood, specifically how my parents were to me and each other. It's going to be a hard pill to swallow, but something about her childhood aka what you've done will have caused this in her. If you can fix that, you're on to something good. Maybe just even acknowledge things to her.

@LettyToretto
She was sexually assaulted at sleepover when 8 , we informed the police and she's had counselling to recognise her vulnerabilities . Me and her dad are in a loving relationship. It's not always harm caused by parenting .

With respect, my parents loved each other, they loved me and my siblings...but I think you really need to examine yourselves in this, sleepover or not, just to be sure. Attachment styles are formed as babies and toddlers, even.

Do you have other children? My brother was the favourite and I chose men that made me feel special, the best. I would mould myself to things I knew they would like. One particular older guy, for example, picked up on this and he would in essence scold me knowing I would, sometimes, beg him and that I would correct my behaviour etc etc. he would talk to me with such condescension and I didn't think it was wrong; I thought I was wrong and not good enough.

I'm not saying your daughter is me or she is so textbook. I'm just saying that even having subconscious preference for his sibling or doing something so pedestrian but it leaves her feeling emotionally alone, in her childhood, probably has had an effect

This is really common. An abusive relationship is an emotional rollercoaster full of highs and lows. Then of course there's trauma bonding which makes it so difficult to finish the relationship and is mistaken for love.

She didn't experience love. Love is respect, kindness, honesty, consideration and compromise.

The Freedom Programme has already been suggested. You could discuss what a loving relationship is with her and talk about red flags. Buy her a book on boundaries. I suggest trauma based counselling when she's ready. Books on self esteem are also good.

it was the freedom programme she started but didn't want to continue

Hopefully she'll come back to it