Anxiety over transition

[Teadrinker81]

How do you help your teens when they are feeling unsettled and anxious about change?
DD is just waiting to start her a levels at college. She did extremely well with her GCSEs and we thought she was feeling upbeat about the prospect of studying at college. Today she’s been really down and weepy. She says she’s uncertain if she’s making the right choices for a level and that she should know by now what career she wants. She says she doesn’t feel excited about the future. I said that lots of people don’t know what they want to do at 16 and she’s got plenty of time to decide and that’s why we are encouraging her to make her a level choices quite wide.
She had a group of friends at school that she hung out with but didn’t really have strong connections with anyone and she hasn’t really spent social time with her friends over the summer and we talked about it being normal to feel lonely and unsettled when you are having big changes.
any wise words?

At 16 I thought I wanted to go into medicine or the sciences. I did Biology, Chemistry, Psychology and English A-Levels and a photography AS level because at the time we had to pick 5 subjects.

I then changed my mind and ended up going to Uni on a Marketing & Psychology Degree.

Then I had a significant bereavement and left uni at the end of my 2nd year and worked full time in a call centre.

Now I head up Information Security, Governance, Risk & Compliance for a global organisation. I never even knew this job existed when I was 16.

All she needs to know right now is what subjects she is most interested in right now, what she wants to learn more about. The future will happen but it's never a straight line and there will always be surprises, challenges and new things to discover.

I think teens in England are under a lot of pressure because of needing to narrow their choices so young. Nowhere else does this! It's really not the end of the world to make the 'wrong' choices and then have to change later. She can only make a choice based on what she knows now and what options are open to her now.

She should absolutely not feel she has to know what career she wants at 16 - that's just crazy. Some people may already have a clear idea but most don't. Many of us (me included) have had multiple twists and turns in our careers, even starting completely new ones along the way. She should follow her interests and keep looking for opportunities to explore new things outside her A levels and have fun!

It truly is natural to feel unsettled in the midst of change. Does she have any favourite activities that comfort and ground her? Perhaps try to distract her away from her doubts and thoughts - in these moments it's best to just put one foot in front of the other and try not to second guess yourself - once she gets into the flow of the new courses and starts to meet some new people she will probably feel a bit more settled and secure. All the best to her!

Thank you Infosecinthecity.
You are completely right. I think she’s just having a down day and feeling a bit overwhelmed. She was so positive yesterday at enrolment.

Yes she’s really into art and music so those things keep her busy. She’s also loves spending time with her dogs.
I’ve been really surprised by how upbeat she’s been throughout the hols despite missing social interactions with her peers so I suppose today was a blip. Onwards and upwards and small steps forwards together x

My dd is going into her second year of A levels and equally glum with anxiety kicking back in despite getting on ok at a new college this last year and making a few lite friends. ie she hangs out with them at college but not in summer holidays. 85% of first years like her will be feeling the same it’s scary doing new things in new places just help her to take it hour by hour and day by day. My DD did a lot of growing up last year and being put in situations she hadn’t experienced before helped. She had trains cancelled, buses not turn up, late lessons, coming home in the dark etc. hopefully your DD will find her feet in time.

We also talk a lot about how confidence is a muscle that you need to use little and often for it to get stronger. That failing at stuff is how you get better at things by learning and that no one knows everything not a single person knows everything but we all know something so we have to ask questions and share knowledge to learn., plus from parenting my other DD who is autistic and struggles a lot with anxiety we talk through a lot of “what ifs” and how to handle different scenarios that might crop up during the day, these help manage anxiety for her.

We talk about how transitions are always uncomfortable and difficult and remember other transitions that were anxiety inducing.

Once you get settled into a decision you soon know if it’s right or wrong and can pivot if necessary. It’s the periods of change that are hard.

And a good book or a short Netflix series can be just the thing to get a bit of space from your own thoughts when there’s nothing to be done but hold on for a little while.

I take it she hasn't had a bridging day at college post GCSEs? Has she got an induction day? What is the enrichment like? Can you go through those options with her to see what she would like to do? There's usually something for everyone. Talk about what you expect her day to be like and any situations she may have to deal with. Use the college website together and look at photos and read through all the info they give.

DS wasn't sure on his choices but one day in and he can't wait to go in on Monday now. He said he met some great people and his teachers are fantastic. He also said he amazed himself because he was sat next to a stranger in his class and he was able to pluck up the courage to say "Hi I'm Delilah's son" and the conversation flowed. It just takes getting over that one day hurdle to see it's not that scary.

No she only had enrolment yesterday and induction is coming up next week.
She left feeling very positive yesterday and has signed up to a D of E which she is eager to do.

One thing to note as someone that just finished A levels and starts medicine this month at Uni - A levels are in my opinion better than GCSEs. You have less contact study periods so more freedom. If you work smart it translates into a lot of free time. Furthermore if you choose subjects you at least like a little you don't have to put up with 7 or 8 other subjects like at GCSE!

Yes I’d agree the smaller classes with kids focused on wanting to be in those subjects, more independence and free time to structure her day. Plus Friday McDs lunch with her class mates has been great for DD, others may struggle with the freedom (particularly some of the boys have), but she’s thrived being treated more as an adult doing 3 subjects instead of 10.

Thanks for that Summerswim and Medicalstudentandchemtutor - she’s really self motivated and a really independent learner so I’m hoping a levels will really work to her strengths.
She hated secondary school and all so hopefully the college environment will suit her better. Fingers crossed!