How can I help my DD?

[QueenEthelTheMagnificent]

Tw self-harm & suicidal thoughts.

Sorry I will try my best not to drip feed or miss out anything!

Dd is 15, this has been going on since Jan this year. Beginning of term DD woke with a UTI, antibiotics prescribed that day. However her pain levels escalated over the next few days and despite more Dr visits & a & e no more help was forthcoming at the time. I pushed the Dr's for help, they kept on trying different painkillers (lower back & shooting pain in legs & pins & needles in feet constantly). Finally got an MRI in May, and found that DD has Degenerative Disc Disease (dh has it so not a massive surprise). She is now on painkillers that seem to help for that.

In that time (Jan- July school term) she had probably been in school for 1 month total. They have been a nightmare to deal with, despite Dr letters to back up the help Dd needs. She has miraculously passed most of her mocks.

in March she told me she was extremely depressed. Cahms wouldn't help as at the time she was undiagnosed. So I found a private therapist, Dd really likes her but still finds it hard to tell her what she's going thru. Dd is on Fluoxetine 20mg.

since then she has been self harming very regularly, about once every 7-10 days. This weeks it has escalated, and has done it twice this week. In the past 5 months she has occasionally said she doesn't want to be here but in the past week she has told me she wants to ki&l herself at least twice.

She has 2 friends but as she hasn't been in school much they have drifted apart. I know she is lonely and my heart breaks for her.

ah harsh as this sounds, this is all the trauma that is going on her her. There is nothing nasty in her past, no abuse, we are a (I guess according to MN!) well-off upper
middle class family. We both work full time, dh & I have been together for over 25 years. Yes we have our up and downs but we get along well most of the time. Dd is second child oldest is at Uni. I've worked from home since dd was born.

I'm not disputing that Dd feels depressed, but I don't think she is doing anything to help herself. She has spent 90% of the summer holidays in her room. We try and engage with her every day, but she just doesn't want to. It seems she'd rather wallow in her depression.

I honestly think she thinks that there will be a 'magical moment' in that the therapist will say something and a lightbulb will go off, and hey she'll know why she's depressed and feels this way, and she'll then be fine. Or the antidepressants will suddenly stop her being depressed overnight.

i try so hard with her, from simple things like trying to watch tv together, suggesting days out, as I know sitting by herself is making it seem worse. My son has just been home for 10 days but she's barely engaged with him as well.

yes I'm scared that she will try something.

but I just don't understand why. There is no why.

if I ask her if there's anything I can do to help, I just get 'nothing' as the answer.

Its been almost 8 months now, I've been patient, understanding have done whatever she's asked, pushed for medical help, but I just don't know what else to do.......

You could contact Young Minds, they have a helpline for teenagers or their parents. They might have some advice.

She needs fresh air and exercise, a good diet and to socialise. You could try meetup.com for events in the area, get her interested in a sport, try a creative writing course, encourage her to journal and look up strategies to help with the self harm.

Sorry what mindset? I was trying to provide background info.

Sorry what mindset? I was trying to provide background info.

The mindset that depression has a cause, or that it is odd that she’s staying at home - she’s not wallowing, she has depression.

She needs to see the GP and get some anti-depressants. Get her pain meds reviewed by a specialist and make sure they are as good as they can be - if her father has the same condition, it should not have taken 5 months to spot it.

Make sure her therapist really is specialist in teen mental health. If not find 3 people who are - make sure you like them too - and get her to see them and pick one. A lot of therapists are generalists with limited experience and that is not what you need.

Do some reading around teen depression and self harm. At the moment you clearly don’t know anything about it and are expecting her to just snap out of it. She does not have an adult mind or experience so she cannot have much perspective on what’s happening to her - it feels like a pit she can’t climb out of.

Lots of teens struggle with mental health - and that’s without a chronic condition and several months of school. She will need a lot of support to make the baby steps to get herself out of it. Work with her to make sure she eats well, has a sleep routine, and starts to exercise (bit by bit)

If the school are being crap - have you seen the head? If not make an appointment.

She does need to do the work to get herself out of this, but right now she doesn’t know how to do that - and neither do you - you do need to educate yourself to help her.

Sounds like she’s going to need tutors to get her through GCSEs

I was making sure I didn't miss anything people may seem relevant out, too often I've read a thread on here where after 30 replies the OP suddenly volunteers info that makes the original post do a 360. I was just trying to make sure people knew there wasn't a big reveal coming like she's adopted, we're
divorced etc.

yes she's had normal teenage trauma, high school is shit and other 15 yr old girls are horrid.

This is why i posted on here. Yes im out of my depth.

to reiterate - yes she's on antidepressants.

she seems to expect herself 'to snap out of it'

I don't know what else to do for her.

can she do any form of physical exercise? walking? light swimming / float in a pool? exercise is very good for mental health, especially if you meet other people there too.

are there online groups for young people with her specific spinal condition or with chronic pain? it can be very useful to connect with other people in the same situation.

are there any activities where she can volunteer to care for others, e.g. befriend an old person or walk someone's dog everyday? doing something for the benefit of someone else can be good for mental health.

is there a skill or strength that she can build on - art or music or a preferred topic at school? anything that gives her a bit of motivation to keep going would be useful.

https://x.com/silverpebble has written a lot about how craft and nature can be useful.

there are a lot of small everyday things that can help with mental health but they are hard to see when you are stuck in depression and hard to get started on. if you can support her to take the first steps towards an activity (any activity), that is helpful.

Well I just told you - you need to educate yourself on teen depression and self harm - there is lots of literature. You need this so you can talk to her about where she is, and agree a gentle plan between you of how to move forward, right now you are not communicating with her effectively.

You both expecting her just to get out it - her by a miracle moment and you by pulling herself together - it doesn’t work like that. The difference is she is a teen and you are an adult, so you need to educate yourself so you can help her.

as previous

Make sure the therapist she is seeing is properly experienced in this area.

Make sure her anti-depression meds and her pain killers are adequate. See specialists to check if needed.

See the head, and bollock if it will help. But sort out tutors - there is only so much the school can do if she isn’t there.

The chances are she will come out of this but it’s essential that mental health issues are tackled quickly and professionally or they are more likely to become life long problems.

I understand that you are over your head - but your job as a parent is to change that. You will find support groups online for people in your position if that will help.

My god I'd be depressed with that diagnosis. She's looking a life of pain in the face.
I'd be throwing the kitchen sink at this - personal physio with expertise in that condition, dietary changes the whole house buys into, every device or medication or adaptation you can find.
Find groups for young people living with chronic pain that she can join. Set up regular exercise schedule that you and she do together- start every morning with stretching or whatever is needed.

Then I'd make her life as positive and enjoyable as possible. Don't suggest a walk. Christ on a bike find something really fun for a teenager!! Spend time with her just chilling in her room both doomscrolling or colouring in or watching tv whatever it is she does in her room you do some of it with her. Just BE with her. Again and again.

Assuming DH, with the same condition, lives a full and happy life - I think he should take the lead on this. She should be doing physio and exercise to minimise the pain. Get him to do it with her.

Having some hope and control might help her mental health as well, don't mention exercise and mental health, she won't see instantaneous effects and could give up, but focus it on her back pain.

First small step, but still a step.

What anythinginapinch said.