Too involved emotionally with teens life

[ettiespaghetti]

Is this what codependency is? I'm very close with my (teenage and adult) kids and struggle to disentangle my feelings from theirs.

I think I am projecting low self esteem on to my daughter and struggle to disengage emotionally from her decisions in dating.

I've noticed that I am too emotionally involved in my daughter's dating life and I want to understand it so that I can sort out in me whatever is going on.

DD 16 - is different to me as a teen (thank god! I had low self esteem, people pleasing tendencies, lack of identity, never felt good enough, didn't feel attractive, was grateful for any male attention I got). I had a traumatic childhood - particularly with my father (absent, abandoned), my step father (didn't treat us well, and died by S when I was 9) and a trusted male friend or family "SA" me.

My mother was passive, overwhelmed, emotionally unavailable, disconnected from our lives.

I have three children and I have done alot of work to not be my mother - we have close relationship, they can talk to me about anything, involved in their lives, very loving etc

Possibly to the point that I am too emotionally involved and feel things too much.

I'd like to learn to care a little less, be a little less involved in the detail of their lives.

Recently my daughter was dating a boy and she shared everything with me , the texts back and forth , the excitement , the nice things hed do and I think I somehow vicariously live through her.
She has gone off gone off him and I am experiencing sorrow on his behalf - it's ridiculous , they're so young, she barely know him, yet I feel attached in some way and am stopping myself from convincing her to give him another chance. I find myself being nosy wanting to hear conversation, enquiring how things are going etc

It's as if I'm projecting my low self esteem onto her where this boy would be more than enough for teenage me.

I'm not vocalising any of this to her -. Reinforcing that she should follow her heart, she's young, plenty of time, she deserves the best etc

But the feeling is very uncomfortable and I dislike it about myself.

Any insight ? I do go to therapy and will be discussing this in next session.

Talking it through with your therapist would be a good idea.

I think that your feelings of grief now they are splitting up is natural, given you were so invested in the build-up. Learning I would take from this isn't about your current feelings, but learning to reign in your involvement in the build-up next time.

Possibly you need to take the lead in drawing a line with your daughter on what's OK to share and what's too much. Teach your daughter that those feelings of excitement are private. While you share her joy at being happy, you don't need the details.

Also consider exploring with your therapist what, specifically, you were excited about at the time and why. To give you an idea on how others deal with similar, my daughter (19) is a few months into her first serious relationship. My over-arching feeling, as her mum, I would describe as "content". I don't feel any kind of excitement, or joy, or anything big like that. I feel like "we did this right, she's functioning in a healthy relationship with a nice person".

So that you describe your feelings as "excited" I think is the central issue here that needs exploring.

Thank you , I'll definitely discuss with my therapist.

I think you're right about the boundaries needing to be adjusted, she shares with me like a best friend - which feels like a success in my mission to not be a passive, uninterested mother but like I've shot too far to the other side and need to unhook and settle somewhere in the middle.

I think the part that makes me uncomfortable is that for some reason I'm sad she's discerning that she isn't happy enough, or likes him enough - I on some level want her to stay with him even when she's making a decision for herself that she has the "ick". Of course I don't "want" her to stay with him but that's the feeling that comes up and I'm thinking "wtf is that about"

It definitely feels caught up in my attachment style. My husband cheated on me a few years ago, and we've done lots of work and got through it, but I can't help thinking of this here, something deep in me accepts less than I deserve and it bothers me that the same kind of feeling is coming up here.

DD in contrast to me is self assured, seems to have this robust self esteem, body confidence, expectation of how she should be treated - I am almost in awe of what it must be like to experience life through the lens of being more than good enough, my whole personality was shaped from being made to feel pretty worthless.

I don't really have words of wisdom, except to say that you are not alone.

I was close to my mom - still am - and she was a warm, supportive presence throughout, so I believe my own struggles with getting too emotionally involved have no direct link with my childhood experiences.

Mine was just broken up with after an 18 month relationship and I have many issues, not least because the breakup happened very soon after her grandfather's (my DF's) death. There is a lot to untangle there for me but I try to keep those issues private. They are not hers, they are mine.