It’s been 7 months, how to stop ds ex gf?!?

[sagittariusThroughandthrough]

Wasnt sure where to post this 🤦‍♀️
Sorry in advance it’s a super long post, I promise I tried to slim it down 😬

I have ds15, he had a gf for approx 9 months. Seemed nice enough but over time I started to just get this ‘feeling’ that I needed to just pay a bit more attention.
Son would get anxious if he didn’t have phone - tell me she needs to be able to get hold of him, he’d be asleep and his phone would be ringing constantly all through early hours in morning until it woke him (or me), he stopped hanging out with his friends amongst other things..
Long story short, she had apparent mh issues, from outside in, it seemed very much he become her ‘coping’ method some may say her ‘thing’ to control.

I just kind of knew which way this was heading so took the decision to offer son gentle advice, ensuring he comes talk to me and keeps me updated ect.
I had tried point out some inconsistency in her stories and behaviours - but of course he wouldn’t agree with me at the time, so instead I was there for when he put two and two together.

He figured it out, had enough and ended it. Of course she was heart broken as expected however behaviours following this completely irrational, it’s been 7 months since ‘break up’ and I’m at my wits end.

List of some things she’s done:
Threats to hurt herself
Sm posts about ds
100s phone calls and texts a day (blocked and then contacts off different numbers).
fake SM accounts she made.
told everyone ds said he’d ‘stab’ her
Told people he attempted to ‘grab her’.
Denied having his jumper, would then wear it to school every day.
Returned jumper months later damaged
Started hanging around with ds group of friends.
Harasses anyone that’s been anywhere near ds
Somewhere between this ds met another girl, ex gf harassed her so much they broke up.

Ds stopped hanging out with friends as ex gf would be there, no longer posts on sm, hasn’t been out for 3 months… DS isn’t the same person as he was before, he’s playing by the rules of ignoring her, blocking her, if he attempts to do anything ex gf will find away to harass him.

We’ve spoken to school, I’ve spoke to ex gf and her parents multiple times, police were suppose to see her last Saturday, but ex gf has started again today.

It’s ridiculous and childish, far to much for any child and I feel completely helpless and have no solutions…

Any advice/solutions or even reassurance that at some point this will end?

Keep going to school and the police until they take action. Your poor DS.

Does he have any close friends that will look out for him and ignore the girl as well? Does he do any activities (e.g. sports) that she can't follow him to or join in?

If you are out with him and she approaches him I'd be tempted to shout loudly and firmly "leave us ALONE".

i have spoken to her in various ways - sympathetic, kindly, directly, straight to the point and in a peed off but appropriate manner. She was told last week I’d be at her door to speak to her parents again and her response was ‘ooo exciting’.

the friend thing is difficult, he has two close friends but they have gf’s - he doesn’t like to be the 3rd wheel but also he knows if he goes out with anyone they end up being harassed by her. He never really says anyone sticks up for him but I do suppose in his mind everyone is against him..

he went out for 3 hours a week ago to meet a friend, within the hour of being home the friend told him she had received multiple messages and texts, I seen this friend today and infairness she looked upset and stressed by it too, the week before I dropped him to town to get his hair cut and then she posted he was spotted doing ‘crack’ - he was out for 45 minutes!

my other ds has been taking him to boxing 4 days a week, I don’t think he’s a massive fan but glad to be out for an hour a day, he also has a mentor arranged by school - the mentor also contacted the police and gave a statement, the mentor commented how quiet ds is more recently so he’s arranged to pick him up tomorrow to try give some support and advice.

i think tonight just got a bit to much, he got upset and angry saying she just won’t stop and she just wants him to lose everything and disappear and for the first time I’m at a loss on what to do

Keep a copy of all messages and take a note of all rumours and incidents. Make a note of all police reference numbers and conversations and meetings with the school.

Tell your son to block her and close down his social media.

You can block unknown numbers on his phone.

Keep contacting the school and police. Contact a domestic abuse charity such as the Mens advice line and they will advise further.
https://mensadviceline.org.uk/

That's awful. He can change his mobile number, obviously.

It sounds like her harassment of him is really limiting his life at the moment. How does she know where he is and when he goes out? Has she downloaded some software on his phone?

If they were both over 16, this would be classed as domestic abuse and stalking.

It is disgraceful that agencies aren’t doing more to intervene.

Her behaviour is criminal, and she is above the age of criminal responsibility.

Try contacting Paladin (stalking advice charity), and log everything with the police. You could also try contacting the Hollie Gazzard Trust, they do a lot of work around healthy young relationships.

Your son should not have to put up with this. I do feel if the victim (and he is) in this situation was the girl, agencies would be much more keen to act!

Op, this is stalking and harassment. Do not stop hounding the school and police until something is done. I would do everything possible to get a non-molestation order. Your son may very well need therapy to deal with the stress of this. She is literally tormenting him.

This is Domestic Abuse and it has now become Stalking. It is no longer harassment it has gone beyond that. Ages and gender of abusers are irrelevant it is still serious. Please keep reporting to the police they are there to help.

It’s age 16 and over for Domestics by the way so it will be classed as one.

Please look up Equation who help male victims of Domestic Abuse also

How does she always know where he is or who he is with??
What have her parents said?

Hi OP, I'm so sorry that your DS is going through this. What have the school done to address this? Have they spoken to the girl and her parents? I would keep reporting every single incident to the school and police, keep a written record and stay away from interactions with this girl and her family (it sounds like she is enjoying the attention) Can you suggest to OP that he invites his mates over for gaming/film and pizza night on a night they're not with their girlfriends? Is your son's dad supportive? Could he start a new hobby with DS to get him out of the house and give him an opportunity to chat? I'm thinking parkrun, fishing, golf etc or maybe training for a 10K or tough murder to give him a goal to focus on. It's very unfair that his life has been so turned upside down by this, through no fault of his own 😔

He did originally shut down all his sm accounts and that was fine for the first few weeks when emotions were running high but it’s been 7 months, without sm it made him feel even more lonely and isolated and he questioned why he should be shut off from the world when he hasn’t done anything wrong..

as for knowing where he is, I literally have no idea, I questioned ds about this as he hadn’t been out for so long which actually gave him some peace but he went out for 3 hours and then she popped back up which is a huge coincidence!
I’ve told him to change all his account passwords, check his location settings are off in his phone ect however I’ve ordered him a new phone and sim over weekend should be here tomorrow.

infairness he doesn’t respond to her texts and just blocks her everytime she appears but that results in another number or another account, he’s more upset that others are getting harasssd due to association.

seriously though this girl is 15 and over the passed 7 months she has contacted him on more than 15 different numbers including 3 numbers from another country (she has dual citizenship) I’ve told her parents this and they didn’t even look surprised 🤷🏻‍♀️

candlewhickgreen - thank you for the advice about the charity that might actually be helpful.

@sagittariusThroughandthrough you describe this as ‘ridiculous and childish’

It’s not. It’s harassment.

Speak to the police again… your son needs protecting from this abusive behaviour. Ask them what powers are available, such as injunctions etc and be persistent in pursuit of them.

Smartiepants79 -I’ve spoken to her parents 2/3 times in person - they really don’t say much they told me they had no idea, that she doesn’t tell them anything unless they take her phone, they will talk to her. She will then post on sm about me being at the door ect ect.
last weekend I text them as agreed along with the messages and videos she was making and sending they did not respond although they were read - a few hours later a message was passed to my son through a third party to tell him to stop interfering in her life and I’vemade out he’s living in a life of total isolation

@sagittariusThroughandthrough could she have dropped a tile or similar small tracker in his school bag or something?

You may need to apply to the county court for a protection from harassment order

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/taking-action-about-discrimination/taking-action-about-harassment/#:~:text=Taking%20someone%20to%20court%20for%20harassment&text=The%20court%20can%20order%20the,decided%20they%20weren%27t%20guilty

I wondered if she's got a tracker on his phone? You need to check.

If police are not doing anything, then you need to screenshot everything. Reactivate his social media and tell everyone what she has done. Maybe this way she will back down.

Noseybookworm -
as for the school: I think initially they thought this was just an over reaction to first love broken heart ect and it will pass in a few weeks, a teacher actually phoned me and told me she was upset, hurt and confused at the relationship ending..

spring time he broke his thumb punching a fence after she rang him over 100 times making threats and blaming him (2 days before his GCSEs) shortly after he then broke out in hives for the first time head to toe thought to be stress (2 weeks off school - teachers felt he needed time off to recharge) school then referred him to a anger management course 🤷🏻‍♀️ I politely declined and stated he didn’t have anger issues he’s just been pushed to his limits they instead arranged for a mentorship scheme (who ds really appreciates).

just before 6 weeks hols, girl plays up in class, teacher then places her to sit next to ds and announces this will be her forever seat, ds stated that wasn’t to happen she’s sat smiling, he gets detention for arguing back 🤷🏻‍♀️, infairness head of year has since been more supportive and stated she will put a stop to it if it continues in September.

dad is supportive as he can be, they have somewhat similar personalities at times so can clash (that’s another story haha).
He has taken up boxing with his brother 4 days a week and starts extra tutoring next week. He also sees his mentor once a week who has arranged some work experience in a workshop (he wants to go into engineering).

I guess we are doing our best to put in all the right support for him but it would be nice if we can just get her to stop

I have questioned this in the last few days, I’ve ordered him a new phone and sim should be here tomorrow and he’s been told to change all his account password

Can he move schools?

Only other thing I can think of is a bit underhand and not really appropriate for a child, which is to deliberately catfish her to distract her.

See you would think this would actually work and you’d think when people realise how crazy her actions are people wouldn’t give her the time of day and be more in support of ds, but unfortunately it feels like there are a lot of teens with memories like gold fish or are enjoying this little drama and quite happy to go add fuel to the fire.

she went to a party (friends of ds) got drunk then began hysterically crying and putting on a display stating ds phoned her and he said he’s on his way to hurt her.

He had no sm at the time and we were out bowling and cinema so no phones. When we got home Ds had a message from friend asking where was he. Following morning friend told him what happened. he went to school the following week multiple other people had told him the same thing, he told me - I messaged her casually asking what happened on that night she said nothing happened she hadn’t heard off ds and had him blocked on everything so no contact, I asked her about the rumour and she said she has no idea about it. Ds then showed these messages to everyone, she then locked herself in school toilet crying, everyone hates her and it’s ds fault.
she lost all her friends for the week it went quiet and then started back up the following week it’s never ending, just feels like she wants the attention and while people give it to her she will continue but the more she gets away with it the more cocky she is with it.

as for the police they were due to go there over weekend, I was told they’d come here too but they didn’t turn up, ds is meeting with mentor tomorrow who has spoken to police already so maybe hel have an update 🤞

I wouldn't talk to her any more, go to her house or speak to her parents. Otherwise she could turn it all around and accuse you of stalking and harassing her.

Keep records of everything, and go back to the police again and again until they do something. Tell the school that the police are involved, and unless the school protects your ds, then you will be arranging for the police to go to the school. They won't want that.

Stop speaking to her, stop speaking to her fucking useless parents. Go directly to the police with all of this, every single time she contacts him. Get a restraining order if you can, then school will have to separate them. Can your DS go to a different 6th form?

I’m sorry, this is so awful.