I know everyone says it’s normal and that their hormones are all over the place but I just don't know how to deal with my DD's attitude and behaviour. She is 12 (soon to be 13) and started her periods early at the age of 9. She dealt with it amazingly and took it all in her stride.
Up until around 3 months ago she was pleasant, chatty, open and outgoing. She always enjoyed school and was bright and enthusiastic. She had some issues with her friendship group at school not long before they broke up for the summer holidays (they seem to pick on a different person every week) and she grew apart from them and became friendly with a group of boys and girls from 2 other schools in the area.
Not long after this, she became rude and antisocial, seemed to have lost all her manners towards us and bites back at everyone when they dare speak to her or go in to her room, shouting at them to get out. She even bunked off school one afternoon with two of these new friends which is totally out of character for her! I’ve tried various ways of speaking to her and asking if there is something wrong/bothering her and she just snaps and says she doesn’t want to talk.
During the holidays she would make plans with friends most days and promised to be back by agreed times, keep in touch, let us know where she was etc however on more than one occasion abused this. She was then grounded and had her phone and bus pass confiscated but then things seemed to take a positive turn - keeping in touch when out with friends, back before/on time, seemed back to her normal chatty self etc. She was also asking for more money more regularly (for juice, food etc when out) to the point here I’ve had to refuse any more as it turns out she’s been buying food etc for some of her friends who have gone out but not been given money by their parents.
Some of the friends in the group have been vaping and drinking and DD has admitted to trying this, mostly as a way of keeping up with everyone else. I have been very open with her on the dangers of both of these and have reminded her that as her mum, it’s my job to make sure that she’s safe. She seemed to take this on board, said she knew it was wrong and was very apologetic and said that she wouldn’t do it again. It’s also transpired that one of her so called friends set one of her new Crocs on fire which has really hacked me off as they were just bought a few weeks ago and it’s like they have zero respect for others property.
School started back and she has been a nightmare to get up and ready for the bus. She literally drags herself out of bed, snipping at us for checking she is up and getting dressed etc so she isn’t late. We live 10 miles from the school and there have been days when my DH has had to take her in as she’s been too late for the bus and he doesn’t get a single thanks from her. If we ask her how her day was she just grunts and then mucks about on her phone. This is so far from the girl she was a few months back who was up at 6.30 am, showered, hair done, dressed and had breakfast before her brother was even out of bed..
To make matters worse she’s had a lot of bother from a girl at school again since they started back (part of the original friendship group who caused trouble) and has threatened to beat her up at school. She has been avoiding going to school and we’ve had calls home saying she’s unwell and can she be collected. We met with the school who have put a safety plan in place to ensure this girl stays away from her but she is still unhappy. I know that she’s anxious and I’ve tried to reassure her the teachers are there to support her if she is concerned.
How do I deal with this? I love her to bits but it seems the more I try, the more she tries to push me away. We used to be so close and now it’s like she can’t bear to be around me or anyone in the family. Her poor brother who is 17 has also tried numerous times to speak to her about things but she just snaps at him.
I'm really worried that she won’t change and this is not just a phase. She used to be such a lovely child who did as she was told and was genuinely just great to be around but now it’s like chalk and cheese….