Another crossroads

[perseverer123]

My daughter just reached another life crossroads and I'm at a loss how to help her.

We lost her mum when she was just 11 so it been just father and daughter since then. 18 in November.

When she left primary school she was joint top of her year in a small primary then did OK academically in secondary.

We were doing alright keeping up with homework, eating well, keeping fit, I tried to encourage good habits.

As she grew older I gave more allowances - mobile phone, computers all those things teenagers desire. All feel like a mistake now.

With those early teenage years the first signs of trouble - eating disorder, huge concern about what other people thought of her appearance.

Age 13 and COVID hit and school lock downs and it all went downhill. Self harming. Rejecting all the good habits I tried to instil, examples I tried to set and any advice.

Lots of school absence.

We've had everything: NHS help (too slow and too inflexible to changing needs), private mental health support (mixed bag), council supported helper (was good but just withdrawn at age 16 when support was most needed). I tried all sorts of helplines with mixed results.

She scraped only a few GCSEs and critically failed maths.

Got accepted to study art (L2 which is basically GCSE level which she had already passed) and repeat GCSE maths at a local college. So basically repeat a year.

She never does enough work outside of lessons. Missed many lessons especially Maths due to ill health. Accepted the two days not attending lessons as extra free time rather than time to do homework and study.

The end of that year and we have two more failed GCSE maths attempts (the doom loop of repeats many are subjected to) and she only managed a pass in Art - a subject she is quite talented at.

She met neither of the requirements to be accepted back into college next year and says she does not want to go back to college.

I forced her to accept the invitation to discuss progression with college and they offered a 6 week probation at L3 Art provided she repeated GCSE maths (have to keep trying up to 19 not 18 as I thought or the Art course is not funded).

We had a discussion for about 45 minutes after, their were tears, she said she did not want to return to any college to do any subject and wanted to work and earn money.

Drilling deeper though it came out that really she has concerns about her appearance and being overweight and does not want to go to college or work and would prefer to "work from home" shades of COVID lock down rather than go out into the world.

All her peers have moved on and are now looking at universities and I feel my daughter is still mentally 13 years old - unable to look beyond the next few months.

At my wits end - where I usually am:

1. Should I call time on education? Shes not shown any self-motivation with education and she would really need it with Level 3 Art which is equivalent of 3 A-levels.
2. If we follow the work route how on earth do I get her out of that bedroom and into the world?

I'm pretty sure that not going to college and failure to find work will lead to further withdrawal and mental health issues and that will not help.

Grateful for any thoughts

Is there a 14-19 study programme available through your local council??? I withdrew my son from school last year as he was really struggling.

You mention mh issues and a lot of school absence due to ill health.

Was any of that physical ill health or was it mh?

It doesn't sound like education has been particularly successful for her.

Possibly the thought of a gap year might be an idea? Time that she can use to work out what she wants and explore some different possibilities.

What do you think are the chances of her getting some either work or work experience?

Bit of MH, period time always ("mine is worse than everyone else" - we tried going on the pill to calm those down but she refused to take them after a while), genuine colds. Difficult to know sometimes if its just "psycho symptomatic". I always struggle with judging if illness is made up or real. I often think its faked about truancy and then the real more visible symptoms kick in.

Seems like we do need to try something else. Shes been on "Indeed" looking for work but I've recently found out she blocks all incoming calls on her mobile! So probably may have missed any follow ups. Like many teenagers they don't like to take calls. We might try voluntary work just to be doing something.

Thanks. I will look into that. We have to decide about college on Wednesday. So if she decides to leave perhaps the college will have some signposting about whats available

I wonder if she's still grieving for her mum?? That plus COVID lockdown might have made her unable to cope??? Has she had any grief counselling?? Sending hugs 🫂 💐

This sounds so worrying and understandable you desperately want to do the right thing. So sorry you are facing it on your own since the loss of your wife and your DD had to cope with such a cruel bereavement so young.

i dont know if it really matters if she goes out to work or stays at college but it sounds this vague wfh idea would be awful for her and you.

it almost sounds like body dysmorphia with her focus on her appearance. Is she on any medication, my daughter doesnt have those issues but takes fluoxetine for anxiety and it’s really taken the edge off the worst feelings.

apologies if it’s not appropriate but could you say if she starts college you would pay for gym membership, a PT or even mounjaro (again, conscious that with an ED in her past this might not be suitable) is there any other ‘carrot’??

really best of luck, you sound a lovely, caring Dad

Perfect storm 13/covid/loss of mother. She did have one session of counselling in the hospice where mum died but refused it after that. We have lots of other help since NHS childrens mental health and private. I might need to consider re-engaging. Though NHS too long to respond and when they did the situation had evolved from eating disorder to self-harming which apparently reset us to a completely different department and another waiting list. Private I seemed to be paying a clinic £80 an hour for her to have a few hours off school and then to talk about all sorts and not really address anything (this you get second hand from your child as everything is confidential and you get to find out nothing about your child's state of health or progress)

How I feel for you. I have had similar with my daughter. The world of MHealth care is a minefield and we are still slogging through it. The only help I can offer is don’t pressure her. She will find her way. Love and gentle encouragement worked for us. Look after yourself too. This takes its toll on your own health otherwise. Big hugs.

Would a year of volunteering in something she is really keen on combined with taking maths functional skills online be attractive to her? Volunteering can be great for self esteem especially if she finds her thing (maybe helping in art therapy classes etc)

Op its very difficult. My son had counselling arranged by our GP when he was 12. He's now 18 and uses a mindfulness app. It gives him small daily goals to achieve. Good luck with it, not an easy time to be a parent x

Does she know what she wants to do ultimately?
She could work for a while then decide.
I didn't go to university till I was 30.

The only career mentioned is in animation and she has played at home with this. I've tried to make the point that you have to go through some general art studies before you can specialise. College said that L3 will specialise after first year and she could specialise in that area. Not enough to make her keen. Mentally she does not think more than a month or two into the future. She really needs something to aim for to make her think beyond the here and now.

You sound a great Dad.
What about a distance learning access to HE diploma, which will give her the equivalent of 3 a levels and the option of university. Although I can’t see an online art and design one, there are lots of humanities based ones which look at a wide variety of subjects. It sounds like she is bright but has given up and finds the mental and social pressure of college too much. The good thing about an access course is that she could take as long or as little as she wanted to do it, and it will give her the sense of still doing something and having a trajectory which is really important. You don’t need maths or English gcse to do it, although you would need those for university, but perhaps it’s time to give that a break for a bit and get away from the failure cycle. She can always go back to functional skills.
Around that you could build some part time work, volunteering to boost her confidence and give her something outside of the house, or short skills courses. It sounds like she has had enough of college.
all the very best.

Mountjaro membership?!! Is this a serious suggestion?!!

I am going to suggest something a bit counter intuitive. But what if you just gave her a year off to so nothing other than just recover?

No pressure, no trying to catch up on education, just rest and healing.

It sounds like you have really done so much for her yet nothing has worked and her constant rejection of education sounds like it's not just working for her and I imagine her mental health makes it really challenging to engage and enjoy education.

Tell her she has a year off, no pressure and when the time is up you van both make a plan for what is next. This will feel counter intuitive because your fear will be that she doesn't ever grow up and achieve independence or will become a recluse, but I wonder if she might be able to face education again,or work, if she can recover.

I haven't any advice to add to the great replies you've received but I just wanted to say you sound like a simply wonderful parent. After everything you have both been through. She is truly lucky to have you and I hope you taking some time to take care of yourself too ♥️

Just thinking for the maths, functional skills level 2 is an alternative to GCSE (not saying for her to do it right now) so could be an option for the future.

H. My daughter is younger but has mh problems and has been a school refuser for months so I understand your fears...I also know via a local autism support group a lot if girls who struggle with life in this way

Do you think she may be neurodiverse or have a specific learning difficulty?

I would perhaps echo the suggestion above to just stop the attempts at education fir a while. I know how scary and counter intuitive is seems but could she just come back to that later?

It's so hard as you want to avoid a real retreat from the world but it doesn't sound as if she is getting much from education at the moment

Is there any way she could learn in a more self directed way? 9r just have some time off

We've had a bit of a week with Grandad going into hospital and a Granny unable to cope without her primary carer. So crazy week with time split between Granny, hospital, home and work. Happily things with that generation looking bit better now.

Thank you everyone for your support and suggestions regarding my daughters situation. Going through these options now. Perhaps a combination of some of the distance learning and part time work or volunteering could be a positive thing.

As she can't focus on long term planning right now, how about something like this - https://www.princes-trust.org.uk/how-we-can-help/grow-skills-and-confidence

It's short and focused on skills and confidence building.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. As others have written you sounds like a great dad.

I would be very cautious of using sites like Indeed. There are few employers looking for school leavers and many jobs - especially entry level and fully remote ones - receive large numbers of applications that never get read. It's a recipe for rejection and may crush your daughter's fragile self-confidence.

Like everyone, she needs to take on tasks that stretch her abilities, or take her just outside of her comfort zone, and then receive praise when she succeeds. Obviously you know this, but sometimes it is helpful to think like that when trying to find something that can meet those criteria.

On the work front, she could consider working in an elderly care home. They are always hiring, love having young people there, and it looks good on your CV whether you go on to be a binman or a rocket scientist. It is hard work but can offer flexible hours and is not overwhelming. Just a thought.

This.
I was thinking if she likes animals maybe volunteering at a donkey sanctuary or dog / cat shelter. Or if you could arrange some therapy sessions with horses / donkeys? I’ve seen donkey therapy sessions help younger children who are suffering emotionally and having behavioural issues as a result. Might be some sort of help to your daughter ? Best wishes to you both.