Teenagers and family days out

[Honey2]

Hi all

We are a family of 6 - with kids ages 14.5, 11, 8 and 2. Family days out are difficult. Its hard to find things suitable for all. Our 14 year old is at the age where he prefers to spend as little time as possible with the family.

Add to this he ‘hates’ his 8 year old brother and will find any excuse to wind him up at every opportunity. I hate to say it but days out are much more pleasant when he is not part of the group!

Trying to encourage him to join us results in arguments and so Our approach so far is to allow him to opt out of most family days and stay at home. Then spend time with him alone or with smaller family group ( ie him, 11 year old and his dad for example)

Issue we have is we are now stuggling to trust him to stay at the house on his own for longer periods. He either does stupid stuff (plays with matches and lights bits of paper, cooks and leaves gas on, goes out and leaves the front door actually open) Or invites groups (8 ish people) of friends over - all of which we have asked him repeatedly not to do while we are not at the house.

He is not SEN diagnosed but has definite traits of ADHD.

so it’s kind of a rock and hard place situation, just wondering what everyone else’s experiences are and what you do???

Wow if my 14 did any of that he'd lose the right to stay home alone. I would take him wherever we were going but let him sit in a corner with his book/listen to an audiobook.
Actually mine would be allowed to sit the the car if he wanted but it sounds like that would be dangerous with your DS.

My teens all come on walks as a family - they can ignore everyone if they want to but the fresh air & exercise isn't optional. IME grumpy people are suddenly no longer grumpy after the first 30-45 mins 😃

Well due to his behaviour when he’s left alone, he obviously has to come along to family days now. Is there consequences for any bad behaviour towards his little brother? Could he spend the day with a grandparent or uncle/aunt?

Does he have any interests or things he’d like to see/do? When you say family days are you going for a walk in the woods or more activity/museum etc? If it’s all geared towards the younger kids it must be boring for him.

I was ready to say leave him at home but with that sort of behaviour I would not be happy to leave him in the house unattended. I would also consider setting up a ring doorbell so you can check when he is coming and going. Can you find anywhere else for him to go? Drop him at a library, granny's house etc. Make it clear that staying home alone is a privilege and until you can trust him more you won't let him be in the house alone.

It might also be worth talking to the local fire brigade and see if they offer any home assessments and make sure he is there to hear the assesments. Our local fire brigade will do firesetter interventions with young people who have a fascination with fire. I would also make sure your smoke alarms work, ideally wired into the mains.