No jealousy but I have a lovely teen, with no friends

[fourelementary]

So the good news is she is lovely - kind, funny, hard working, nice to children and old people- everybody who meets her loves her.

Except her peers. She tries to fit in a little bit in terms of clothes but she’s not “mature” (that’s the kind word I’d use) in that she doesn’t have false eyelashes, nails, fake tan etc. She isn’t into talking about boys, never had a boyfriend etc and is young for her years when compared to other teens but mature in outlook in many ways eg responsible etc

I feel for her that she’s missing out on teen friends and girly groups and she is left out of plans that the girls she does talk to at school make… I think they don’t feel she fits in. And I can see that… but it hurts my heart that she walks home alone when the girls she talks to in class are heading off to each others or to Starbucks or whatever… with no thought to invite her.

How can I help her find her tribe? Or do I just appreciate the lovely girl we have for now knowing she won’t never have a social life and will one day be out all hours and making me worry?

Oh edited to add she is 15…

Work at a girls school and we have several of these. They really tend to blossom in sixth form when they all shuffle a bit, and I think they’re the ones who are really comfortable with themselves, confident, unwilling to fit in at any cost to themselves.

What are her hobbies, interests, future plans? In reality many school friends will disappear after school anyway and the skill of finding people to chat to is perhaps more important for long term friendships

if SHE feels lonely perhaps she could join some groups etc under the guise of ‘good for ucas’ to help you encourage her?

Unless you live in a very small or homogenous area, not all the girls of her age will be doing the falsies thing by any means.

What are her hobbies? Her passions? What does she do outside school, and does she meet people there?

She sounds lovely! What a shame that her classmates don’t include her in their plans, it seems cruel that they don’t - has she ever asked them to do something, even one to one? I alway feel at that age is about having that one good pal that has your back. Does she do any sports?

My dc were certainly not doing that at 15, neither have ever had fake tan or false eyelashes, one started on nails but at 18! (I have them so i could hardly criticise). At 15 some are definitely still more childlike. I would encourage a club or 2 outside of school. Mine found their "tribe" in church choir (trust me, most the kids were actually agnostic at best but they love singing and the music)

Agree she’ll find her tribe towards the end of school. How you describe the other girls isn’t the universality of my DC’s school.

Oh bless her. That was me! (Is she an only child too? )
I struggled quietly through school, then as others have said, sixth form and beyond got much easier. It was lonely however, until then. What helped me was having organized activities to do occasionally so that I wasn't always waiting for the invitations from peers, which usually didn't come. But it meant I had something to look forward to, something to talk about, and some social interaction. So I kept up a dance class which I'd started in childhood, tried sports groups, language classes, volunteering, and read hugely too . . . A bit of maternal encouragement, to get her mixing with people, out of the house, and if possible achieving something, to to give her self esteem a boost will help to keep her going until she finds her tribe.

(Holidays were important too for some reason. Something to look forward to; something to discuss. Still love my holidays!)
Best of luck to your dd.

Bless her, she sounds a bit like my eldest dd. She definitely found her tribe at sixth form and before then it was a struggle - she's ND and young for her age, plus August birthday, and her peers were just in a different universe to her by year 8 or 9. It was really tough although she had a couple of long term friends who stayed loyal to her which helped. If she has hobbies/sports, she might make more natural connections through those? Could be worth talking to school about seating plans/classes etc in case they have others in the same boat who she might get on well with. She sounds lovely and it will definitely get easier. X

I agree with extracurricular classes. I think meet ups can be easier for boys (mining the stereotype here but nevermind) as they are more likely to do things like play football together which means can interact without necessary having to give too much of yourself away

Agree with others about getting her involved in things outside school- music/ drama/ art groups? Guides/ scouts?

My ds is just starting GCSEs and exactly the same, I’ve told him what so many here have said, everything will get easier as he gets older and he will find his tribe eventually. We also encourage lots of out of school activities. Doesn’t mean it’s not hard to watch, especially as his younger brother is a social butterfly type with friends coming out of his ears. I feel so sorry for him sometimes.

Dd has just finished her GCSEs and this is her. She’s lovely and got really good interests and is so good to talk to. She went through a really rocky patch At school when her best friend left school and she had no friendships. She struggled to find her crowd and became isolated. With lots of support she did begin to find friends but they are all quite quiet and reluctant to meet socially. She’s presently really upset as she is watching Leeds and Reading festival and she she would have loved to be there. She is seeing social media of people she knows from school who are there . It’s so hard to watch and as an adult I can tell her that she has plenty of time to do these things but she feels lonely. I am clinging to the hope that a levels will mean more opportunities to find her tribe. In the meantime we try and encourage her interests and do as much as we can to fill the void.
dd2 is totally different!

Dd1 was quietly dropped by some so-called friends at school which was a horrible shock for her. She sort of made friends with the group again but then it all went wrong again and she was heartbroken. She left after her GCSEs and went to college but unfortunately she’s so quiet and shy now that she’s still not really made friends. The only friends she’s got that she talks to every night are online gaming friends. I can hear her laughing away with them in the next room and I just wish that they lived close by so she could go out and do normal teenage things. She’s got a couple of friends that live nearby but they don’t see each other that often.

She said to me the other day that she wished she had a best friend. I nearly cried.

Awww guys thank you and sorry to hear of others who are lovely and a bit lonely… it’s so hard isn’t it?

She was a talented sportsperson for a long time and unfortunately had to give it up through injury. None of the friends from that have kept in touch though… she is too anxious to try new things and she would go to the gym but only one her peers weren’t at. She wouldn’t try a new club like guiding or anything. Not yet anyway.

She, and others on the thread, sound very much like my DD (and me, if I’m honest). She has a year left at school then college for A levels. She does have a small group of friends but due to geography of where we live everyone is so far away that casual easy meet ups in the holidays are few and far between.
Too self conscious now for out of school clubs, and all those tried as a younger child fizzled out for one reason or another. She does have home based hobbies and is great company and interesting to talk to, to people she feels comfortable with.
If only we could get all these DC together!

Is she into animals? Could she help out at a local stables or animal shelter? Can she get a pt job? I’d agree extra curricular activities and say they’ll help with school/ college etc!

This is my DD too. Just about to start 6th form. Has a few friends but none close enough to hang out with over the holidays. She won't wear anything other than (unbranded) hoodies, t shirts, shorts and leggings. Make up, boys etc don't interest her.

She's happy. Which I constantly remind myself of.

Is she happy as she is? I was going to suggest finding friends at an out of school club, but you said she isnt interested in those
Maybe shes happy enough with being at school 5 days and then being with family.

My 2 nieces are/were very similar to your dd.
Lovely, kind girls and quite innocent.
They did have 2/3 friends similar to them at school but often hung out with each other at lunch and outside of school (they’re cousins a year apart)

They really came into their own in their final year of school. It’s like something clicked with all the girls though & the clique behaviour started to dissipate. I think they focus on exams and start to think about life outside of school.

My nieces are both doing really well, & more importantly, they are happy. One is at a different 6th form & has made friends with lots of like minded people & one is starting art school soon. Shes had a much easier time this last year, she’s grown in confidence and is very excited to start art college.

I love how they stayed true to themselves and didn’t change how they looked or acted to fit in. I think they’ll do well in life with that attitude. I’m very proud of them.

Yes I was going to suggest guides. Or how about a very casual sport that's unusual, e.g. going to a climbing wall or we have a super casual drop in SUP club near us where they basically mess about on boards for 2 hours.

But it possibly doesn't matter, and I love that she sounds like she's staying true to herself.

If you're anywhere near North London I could get my 14-year-old to befriend her. She's also lovely and very much into sports but has recently fallen out with girls at school and would love to befriend someone new ☺️

Hi, this thread is so good for reminding me that my DS is happy and so I need to stop worrying (is that ever possible?!). He is going into Yr10 and, whilst he seems friendly
with lots of boys at his school, I don’t think they are friends. But he seems perfectly happy still being with us and I really should be happy about that. He does lots of extra curricular stuff (in and out of school) so I just hope he is forging his own path. He is old / mature for his years and I think he finds other boys quite childish! So hopefully he will find his tribe, just a bit later.

Awww sadly we are in Scotland! So a little too far! Thought she loved going to London so much we went twice last year lol

A slightly sad update from being back at school for less than a week. Her previous bestie lives pretty much next door and although they’d grown apart since high school they still travelled up and down to school and had a loose group (dd is on the outskirts of the group and exBF is the queen bee) After a few days at school exBF has now said she is walking up to meet a different girl and doesn’t want a lift with dd who now has to go in alone. She wasn’t invited to walk up and there are no other girls living nearby. When I spoke to dd about why she let exBF treat her badly she just said it was better than making a drama and having no friends. ExBF tells her to shut up and only speaks to her when there is no one else around. I feel so sad for my sweet girl who just takes the scraps off these girls and they don’t even think anything of it. How can people be so self centred? Though I know that’s pretty much the definition of some teens.

Please, if you have a popular teen- ask them to look around and see if they can be kind to someone on the edges of the group…

Thank you all for the positive stories of hope. It’s just horrible seeing her go to school with a sort of acceptance about her of “this is something I just have to go through” 😔

That is a sad update, OP. Sorry to hear that.
I thought of this thread yesterday when DD was talking about her lovely and very popular same aged cousin, who we only see occasionally. Cousin was buying a new outfit for a party. DD couldn’t understand ‘why anyone would go to a party if they didn’t have to, and what do people do there anyway?’ and ‘why on earth does anyone need more than three friends? You can only talk to one at a time!’. Led me to remember that, most of the time, she’s happy like this.

Following. Dd is going into year 9 and is similar. Last year she started playing a sport outside of school, which really heleped and is also taking up another sport in September.

Just before the big holidays the friend group she was part of said they didn't want to be best friends any more - this included her 'best friend' from primary school. One of the group has stayed with dd but isn't overly sociable in terms of meeting up. It's really hard we've been keeping her busy where we can through the holidays but it's sad she's not meeting up with friends even once a week.

She has drifted between two friend groups over the past 12 months but doesn't feel confident with the newer group to actually meet up or anything, they're also in different forms/sets so difficult in school. I think like pp's dd she is happy just being at home and with smaller groups. I'm hoping things improve a little socially for her this year.

You could be describing one of my closest friends (met as adults). She had a tough time growing up but came into her own in she church choir. Still has a lovely voice.

OP I am sorry. Girls can be so mean and selfish. She will find her way.