DD 13, friendship troubles and self harm

[mrspippa]

Hi all,

Never posted before so please be kind. Sorry it's a long one.

My DD is 14. When she started secondary school she got on really well. Made a nice group of friends, loved her teachers and was just generally happy. Unfortunately after a while an incident happened where she told the truth to a teacher about what happened.Because some of her friends then got in trouble the whole group turned on her. It got so bad she had to move tutor, but this reputation stuck so she's found it really hard to make friends again.

After a while she made a group of friends that I wasn't particularly happy with, they all vape, skive and self harm. I noticed some cuts on her arms and changes in her behaviour in general and spoke to her at length about it. Basically she was doing it because of her strong feelings but also to fit in and be accepted.

In the school holidays she's been fine, back to her old self again but I'm so anxious about her starting back and being around these peers again. I have spoke about changing school but she's adamant she doesn't want to. I'm also worried about the lack of positive friendships she has.

She is already getting support from school and the school nurse.

Not really sure what I'm asking for here. Maybe just some support or advice, she's my eldest child so this is all new for me.

Thanks for reading

Sorry to hear your DD is struggling.
It's very hard for us to see it and not being able to do anything about it.
At this age, friendships mean a lot to them.
Being left out is their biggest fear, and they will do anything to avoid being socially isolated.
I think you can not force her to move schools as she will then blame you if she is unhappy. And there is a chance she may not have friends or make the wrong friends in the new school.
Keep talking gently to her, do not bad mouth her current friends, see if she will explore friendships outside of school,encourage hobbies to improve confidence, maybe get some regular counselling for her. Be her safe space..she may not thank you ever but she will be glad you are there for her.

I know it's a very hard time and many girls sadly go through it. My DD17 has always had issues with friends and it's sadly still continuing.
We have to keep hope that things will change at some point.
Hang in there.

Xx

Has she any hobbies that don't include school friends? My dd was dropped from her group of mates after refusing to partake in a get pissed sleepover.... The girls were 12..She also self harmed after that. And attempted suicide twice. Now finds herself pregnant at 17....have no advice worth having likely but anything to raise her self esteem is good. Pets? Managing a pet is good for morale..... And a friendly furry ear ime. One on one time with you to cement your relationship... Vital. Best wishes to you op. It's tough.

Tbh I would move her. She is unlikely to do well with a friendship group like this.

Hi thanks so much for replying,

I'm sorry your DD has also struggled.

She says she can talk to me and on the whole I think she is truthful, however I'm not naive and I know teens don't tell their parents everything.

She used to love swimming however she wanted to stop lessons despite my encouragement. She's slowly losing interest in the things she once enjoyed. She goes to a girls group outside of school and has friends there, however she made a comment there about taking an overdose which I was informed about but she has denied.

I just feel so lost and worried

Hi thanks for your reply.

We have a pet which she loves and takes care of. She has lots of activities out of school however like I mentioned she is slowly losing interest in them and wanting to quit.

I'm encouraging her as much as I can to stay on and explaining why I think it's important that she continues with these.

She also uses an online chat aimed at teens for mental health support which has been helpful.

Just not sure what else I can do and if this is something we just need to ride through and get better or I need to be more proactive.

Yes I agree!! I even got her a place at another school but she refused to go. I can hardly manhandle her kicking and screaming all the way there. Though if I thought it would help I would do anything at this point

I sympathise so much. I too would want to move her. It's hard to settle at first but a whole new chance for positive friendships. I'm so sorry, I know the stress of teenage girl friendships and it's awful feeling helpless. I would keep encouraging a move.

If she is talking about overdose and already SH, then you need to speak to the GP. If you can afford it, I would suggest private counselling with someone who specialises in teens.
She probably doesn't feel comfortable with her friendship group but is equally scared to be alone.
My Dd was like this and she says she is lonely and has no one despite hanging with a big group.
It's such a tricky age as they detach from parents and also lose interest in hobbies.
Is there a family member, a cousin or an aunt who can take her under her wing and do fun things and distract her.
Everything I know says spend time with them, distract them, take them to hobbies and build their network outside school but I do know it's not easy when they don't want to do any of those things!!
And neither can you force them to.
It's bloody hard...xx

Could she be bribed to do a weeks trial at new school?
Assuming the old school is happy for her to try it out and come back if she isn't happy.
As she has been having problems, you can hopefully request this from the old school?

Is she adhd or ASD? Ask gp for a referral to camhs or paed. Arrange some private counselling. Ask Hoy for an appointment. What are they (school) doing to help? And what are you doing to help her low self esteem? When you talk to her about changing friends, to a more suitable group, how does she respond?

Sorry it's tricky to reply to everyone individually so will just answer here.

No ASD or additional needs we are aware of. She is told of her class in most subjects so no learning needs.

First thing I did was request a meeting with HOY who requested information from all her teachers regarding friends, work and any issues noted and all replied saying no issues and seen her with friends etc. I feel she masks a lot and school and because she is very bright and well behaved is overlooked.

Her cousin is also in the same year who was a good support for her to begin with but now occasionally is part of the problem and is friends with girls that dislike her and like to tell her they dislike her.

I have encouraged her to attend her groups, signed her up to a new one she said she wants to try, encouraged her to get out and about, do activities she enjoys like creating and designing.

I have been reluctant to go GP but if she starts back and it continues then I will have to do that.

Also to reply to the question when I talk to her about changing friends etc she says she wants other friends but that no one else likes her.

She says for the first time in ages she feels accepted and that people like her.

I would also suggest a trial of the new school for her. Some will allow this. New students are generally welcomed as a novelty and she may find herself accepted by a nice group.

I'm not sure if school allow this although it's definitely something I can consider and suggest should nothing change. Maybe use it as an ultimatum for sticking at her groups and clubs