Screen battles

[Weightedvest]

Im so tired of asking my DC (nearly 14) to get off a screen. They will do something active each day but not for very long, and there are many hours in a day.

i feel so upset that we’re constantly battling over it. I set boundaries, DC will push and push and I lose my temper and then I’m the unhinged baddie. They are unbelievably pushy and relentless.

its a shit cycle. Any thoughts welcome.

Switch off the WiFi; physically take devices away and lock them in a cupboard. Mine are only allowed on screens at 4:30 pm. That's a hard rule and they know it.

As long as they are doing other things I wouldn't worry too much, the key is to replace it with other stufff rather than limit it when they are in the house. My DS has had phases of a lot of screen time but it passes and he now gets bored and seeks out other things to do.

It's the summer holidays just leave them be

If it’s phones/tablets you can get Family link app or similar so that you have control.

How old are your kids?

Dts are 13. No phones in room overnight is a hard rule. I'm more lax in the holidays. They have been out all at their hobby so they have until 10pm to hand them over tonight.

During term time it was after dinner but I think we might struggle with that this term.

They had a bust up earlier and I took the phones away for an hour, you would think I had cut an arm off not just taken the phones!

But then if their friend messages them at 9am to say "do you want to do x" they won't get the message. When they're a few years younger and just using screens for entertainment it's so much easier- when they get to teens it's much harder to manage as their phone is also how they organise themselves/ arrange their own meet ups etc. Also, music etc. Or they start doing some craft project / baking and they want to look up how to do something.

@Popfan the issue is that some kids dont get bored- just like some people can drink/gamble/smoke in moderation and some can't. I've got one self-moderator and one who would scroll till his thumb fell off

OP I sympathise. Much the same battle. I'm so bored of the mental load of it.

I use apps to impose limits as and when needed. At least then there's no physical tussle to remove things. I think it's also better in the long term, though hard in the short to bring in some set times or limits so that you don't have the same battle every day. If he's 15 and doing GCSEs then a limit per day and shut off by 10.30/11 is reasonable. I have teens and teach them ..way too many are up into the small hours. Once you've established those ground rules , which will be a tough transition, it's done and dusted.

Apologies, he's a little younger but still. All the better to get those rules imposed now. I'd say ten / ten thirty shut off.

I let mine on them all day and night. Make the most of it.

@Letgoofitall : 13 and 10

@LaPalmaLlama : My 13 year old only got a phone when she started High School and it's controlled via my phone. So all her recreational apps are switched off at set times. Some of her friends are in the same position, so the 'everyone has ...' argument doesn't wash with me because I KNOW that other parents have a similar set up.

How do they organise meet ups with friends (i.e. have a social life, get out the house, things you might actually want them to do) if they can't have their phone until 4.30pm (unless they are the rare breed of organised teen that actually manages to sort these things out well in advance)?

The teens my DC knew whose parents had very restrictive phone rules tended to miss out on a lot ...

@missmousemouth But you said she only has access to her phone after 4:30, so how would she, say, make a plan with a friend if they messaged at 9am to say "do you want to go swimming today"? Or do you mean she only has access to certain apps after 4:30 but could use WhatsApp or messaging to text a friend? What about internet browsers?

Sorry if I'm misunderstanding you but always on the lookout for ways to limit things without preventing DS from making plans to actually do physical things or get information.

I think the only answer specifically with gaming is sit down..agree rules then be absolutely hard-core about enforcement

So if uou want to say no more than 4 hours gaming on holiday days ...and that they have to be out until 4 etc before getting it...then take the controllers or whatever

It's addictive and let's ve honest with shutting of youth clubs etc and loss of kids street play....we have created a boring world out there

I think 14 yr olds need to be really encouraged out into the world......but irs not easy ..and it's not easy for any individual parent to solve

This is a societal issue of loss of spaces for kids and teens outdoors..combined wirh big tech deliberately designing highly addictive games and apps ..better wr face that than all have individual parental shame abiut screen time

My DC only got a phone in Y7 and I also control that. But they also game. And then there's the iPad. The phone is just one device.

I admire what you've done but I don't think it's feasible in mid-long term. Maybe it's a boy/girl gender thing and a personality thing. But my DC are very wilful about it.

@Letgoofitall Yeah, there's TV, iPads (although mine don't have these) , games consoles and phones ..... oh and school laptops which can be used for anything at home. It's like whackamole trying to control it all and make sure they still have the ability to actually function because so many things like bus passes / train tickets/ entry tickets are now apps plus homework is all done online so are they actually doing it or are they just messing around? Plus no-one has a landline and I don't want to act as their social secretary. It's maddening.

I agree gaming is definitely more of a thing for boys than girls (in general) although obviously there are exceptions. I actually prefer gaming to scrolling though. Conversely, excessive SM seems to be more problematic in girls.

I know every generation of parents has the "new thing" to worry about but I feel like the acceleration of screen adoption in covid really threw us a curveball.

Agree, 100%

Only has access to certain apps from 4:30 onwards. She can message her friends. But even WhatsApp is shut down at 7pm and only back on (I think) at 8am.

Otherwise she'd be chatting to friends all evening and getting up early to check her phone. She's allowed her phone in her room at night to use as her morning alarm. This was all discussed and agreed as a condition of having a phone in the first place. I also have told her I will check her phone if I ever believe I need to.

We do have 'please can I get tick-tock/instagram' pleadings, but it's just a straight 'No'.

Social media really scares me and I tell DD why.

A kid at her school committed suicide last year, so we had a talk about that and social media pressures. Another of her friends was following someone on instagram who glorified suicide (I'm a friend of hers so spotted it and alerted her mother) and I showed DD the account and explained why it scared me and showed how easy it was to get sucked in. Another kid at her school was bullied in a big online group of kids and I used that as a chance to say why it was important to have contacts she knew and trusted.

I also speak very clearly to her about dick pics and porn and bullying and have told her that until I believe she can cope with that on her in, she's not going to be exposed to risk of it. I also know who she has as WhatsApp contacts and have already helped her navigate dealing with unwanted comms from a boy who got her number from her friend. Another 'how do you control that' chat. Every single time I spot an opportunity I turn it into a 'this is why...' lesson.

It's very scary, but so far it's working. I know it will change as she gets older. I really really hate it though.

@Letgoofitall My son is a gamer, but he's not allowed to chat to people online unless I know who they are and I know their parents. He's only allowed to game from 4:30 onwards in term time but I make exceptions in holidays. He is extremely wilful, but I am itterly inflexible. With DS, he tries and tries and argues and fights but there's a point where he realises it's not going to work - combined with loss of privileges if he makes my life hell - and he accepts it. Then I have to tolerate "is it 4:30" yet every 5 secs (sorted by setting a 'game time alarm).

I suspect DS is going to be more challenging when he gets a phone but I'm already preparing him well in advance for rules.

I keep DS sweet by buying him new games every now and then depending on his behaviour with existing games. Disregarding the rules means no new games.

Ok, so I get the term time restrictions. Yours is from 4.30, we have different controls. But you talked as if this was your approach in the holidays but it’s not as you say you’re more flexible.

holidays are the big problem. Not at 10 -DS didn’t have games then. But he does now