18 year old girl

[Yewdale14]

Hey just needed some advice I have a 30 year old who for some reason is being a bit offish with me only coming round when she feels she has to and this is enough to hurt me I know I annoy her and split from her father when she was 2 as he was abusive I never have bad mouthed him and she went to stay with him and he had sex with his partner in the same bed she was 10 so I stopped it. He contacted her when he was down or needed something and went on to have other abusive relationships and recently passed away no funeral no nothing I supported her but I think he might have said something to her during this time and now feel our relationship is not the same I have spoken to her but she assures me all is good. My youngest who is 18 has always been anxious although done well at school passed her text and she got a part time job we don’t charge board and I pay for her phone ect she has freedom but does have issues regulating her emotions I do walk round on egg shells now and sometimes I really don’t have the energy to fix another problem so she doesn’t get angry.sometimes she apologies and we have some time together and it’s good.she just got back from a holiday were she fell out with a few friends and is behaving stubbornly and will not contact them . today she asked me to sort out a problem with her insurance I paid for and worked out and I was at work she then got angry as I wasn’t giving her the answers she wanted but I was a work said I had a meeting and hung up . Now home and I went up to apologise she wouldn’t let me in the room and was shouting for me to get out so I left she has now took her clothes and gone to stay with my older daughter for a few days. I feel like a really shit mum and don’t know what to do but I am exhausted I am almost glad of the break she has text and said she doesn’t want to talk. My husband fought my corner but I know they will be painting and bad picture of me and talking me down I just feel lost and at the same time emotionally drained like I can do no more it’s beer lawful since she came back off holiday do I leave messaging her for a bit ? Or try and talk she just gets angry with me any advice would be appreciated x

Hi op. Sorry to hear you're going thru this. I think you should consider family therapy as some of the issues with your older dd sounds more indepth then perhaps mumsnet is able to advise you on without getting the whole picture with your child's side of the story. As for your younger dd my best advice is as much positive communication as you can manage is good. I would suggest calling her down to speak when it's a good time for both of you and you're both in a good mind set and discussing the issues. You're not a shitty mum. We all feel like this at times but I would suggest most definitely getting the energy levels back to deal with this as your dds need you. Plenty of self care for yourself needs to be booked into so you have the energy to resolve this and you will resolve this. Good luck Op.

If she's 30, then she's an adult with free will. I don't know how often you expect to see her, but she does also have her own life. Let her go, and your relationship will probably improve.

I actually spoke to her about it yesterday and you’re right ! I am very needy I think didn’t expect it strange I also need to get a life ❤️

Op sorry to harp on lol i just read your update .. maybe it's not that your needy.. maybe you sense there's an issue with your daughter and you are more sensitive to what you see as her not coming to see you. I'm not saying there is a problem by the way. Just saying don't be so ready to put yourself down especially if you do genuinely feel there's a deeper issue. I'm glad you spoke to her about it I hope you both said what you wanted to say but in a positive kind way. if your gut tells you there's an issue don't be afraid to speak up. It doesn't need to be a big confrontation
It can be as simple as "I know i come across as needy but the truth is i feel concerned that we have a deeper issue and I wanted to talk to you straight up rather then nag you " it's ok to ask is everything ok between us?.. what we can't do of course is to constantly ask over and over.. if someone doesn't want to open up or can't then we can't control that. But if you feel you've had the chat and your daughter has reassured you that nothing is wrong then you can feel free to let it go. Sorry lol... I promise not to write anything else. Lol

Not at all it’s good advice to be honest this is the first time there has been a issue with both of my daughters and I think it is me I am being over sensitive I am a over thinker and people pleaser my youngest has also asked for space so I am going to try and not think about it for a few days just not sure if I can switch on and off hard isn’t it ? Thank you for your words it means a lot and I have had a chat with my husband as well he said the same time to stand back a bit x Really do not like adulting at all 😀

Thank you just realised I have read all these in the wrong order thank you for this x I am a overthinking needy mum and I know it hard to chill and then next minute they want your help with something and you have to drop everything it’s a rollercoaster really ❤️